This Will Do Nothing Whatsoever To Restore Your Confidence In Humanity – April 7 , 2010

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

• Monday, March 8 12:56 a.m. Available materials found on the ground coupled with a basic grasp of physics enabled an unknown nightcrawler to disable the 21st century’s premier technological innovation. In the 700 block of D Street, the roaming inventor placed a mattress atop a cable box and set it ablaze. First reported as a dumpster fire, the mattress inferno cinderized the telecommunications nexus beneath it, ending nearby Internet service. The on-call cable technician was notified.

9:53 a.m. A Union street resident said that a short, high school-aged boy had knocked on his door asking to use the phone. He let the kid in, and when he left, so did the man’s wallet, which had been on a shelf near the door.

10:09 a.m. Apparently some residents like to leave their cash-stuffed wallets in their cars, as did a woman on Forest Avenue. A $500 loss.

8:07 p.m. A woman on Hallen Drive reported that an “electronic device” had changed the air pressure in her apartment.

• Tuesday, March 9 4:02 a.m. A perfect storm of vomit took place on Alliance Road, where a man had three problems: his jaw was wired shut, he was throwing up and he was at a dismal mini-mart pay phone at 4 a.m. An ambulance solved most of these problems.

7:22 a.m. A woman asked for an escort to the Fortuna FBI office because she was being followed and harassed by black people, Muslims and terrorists. She seemed delusional, and wouldn’t relate much info.

9:48 a.m. Another car/wallet-leaver performed this maneuver at Mad River Beach, with predictable window- and life-shattering results.

10:42 a.m. A Shirley Boulevard pit bull owner was warned about the dog’s neighbor-charging ways.

10:43 a.m. More pit bulls, loose at the Marsh.

12:38 p.m. An Old Arcata Road resident said that he had taken in a homeless man, who threatened to push him down the stairs. He was outside city limits and was referred to the HCSO.

1:57 p.m. Someone made off with a bundle of job announcement flyers from City Hall.

3:36 p.m. A man reported that while trying to sell two frogs online for $100, a woman sent him a $970 check with an Alaska address on it, and asked that he send the frogs and the change to her in Texas. The man took the check to a local bank, which confiscated it as fraudulent.

• Wednesday, March 10 3:24 a.m. Two backpacks and their contents valued at $3,000 disappeared from a vehicle in a Fourth Street market’s parking lot.

8:27 a.m. A non-rabid skunk “cuddled in a blanket” on a Martha Court porch.

10:45 a.m. An unlocked barn on 27th Street was entered and several items stolen, including a $50 microwave oven and a $150 “Iron Cat Condo.”

11:23 a.m. A large man in a  tiny sports car cruised around Stromberg Avenue and Wyatt Lane asking people to hire him to do landscaping.

2:10 p.m. The Shirley Boulevard dogs were loose again.

4:50 p.m. A bicyclist was struck by a car on Sunset Avenue, but not injured.

4:58 p.m. A possible meth lab was reported in Daina Court.

8 p.m. Three sketchazoids pulled up in a Valley West business’s parking lot and proceeded to remove the windshield from their POS Dodge Neon. They were warned.

11:26 p.m. A man named Miguel was reported crawling through bushes and fighting someone at an Alliance Road residence, with a fistfight ensuing. Police arrived and found a woman’s stolen bike, and arrested the crawly-brawly bike-taker.

• Thursday, March 11 8:35 a.m. N Street residents moved away and left their cat behind. Now it hides under the house, and a neighbor takes it food.

10:34 a.m. A woman’s cat got stuck in an old, sealed-up chimney on Pampas Lane. An officer extricated it.

10:43 a.m. A $300 propane tank was stolen from Alliance Road.

10:50 a.m. A beloved local newspaper reporter carrying a bag of wigs to a play rehearsal at the Old Creamery was walking west on Eighth Street with a journalist from a Southern Humboldt newspaper when they were greeted at Eighth and J streets by a man with brown hair who was standing near a red SUV with a rack on top. “Hey, are you Kevin Hoover?” he asked, in what seemed like a friendly manner. “Yes, hello,” said the reporter. “You are Kevin Hoover,” said the man. “I get that a lot,” replied the reporter, continuing westward with his wig bag and colleague. Then things took a bizarrely unfriendly turn. “Hey,” the man yelled from across the street, “you better watch your back, motherfucker!” Increasingly excited about the encounter and apparently not wishing to let go of his rage, the man continued with the “watch your back” warnings as the newsies continued their westward journey. Then he doubled down on dumb. “If I had a gun…” he said, letting the sentence trail off. Asked why he would bellow threats at strangers, the man said, “I’ve heard some things.” (Always a wonderful justification for threats of violence.) “Well, it’s really swank-suavé to yell at people in the street,” the reporter editorialized, hoping that any ensuing violence wouldn’t end with blood staining the borrowed wigs. The howler’s license plate number was recorded and reported, so if one of your grower buddies does kill me, the cops’ll come and talk to you first, dumbass.

11 a.m. A woman reported that her ex has been burning their furniture even though she has paperwork preventing him from destroying or selling their assets.

3:12 p.m. A parent reported another parent attempting to run them over at a Baldwin Avenue elementary school.

• Friday, March 12 10:46 a.m. The previous day’s bellowing reporter-threatener’s red SUV was seen parked at a downtown hardware store, and police were called. Mr. Mouthy wasn’t found.

12:23 p.m. Two travelerish-looking guys were reported yelling at cars and attempting to direct traffic near an historic Plaza storehouse. Though they denied involvement, they were admonished.

4:24 p.m. A drunken camper set up an elaborate and ill-fated campsite in broad daylight at the Marsh and Wildlife Sanctuary. He was arrested on a public drunkenness charge (and the warrant), his campfire doused, tent dismantled and green pipe confiscated.

9:39 p.m. A bag of meth found at a Valley West gas station was picked up for disposal.