Humphrey, The Hippie And Hordes Of Hortatory Half-Wits – June 1, 2010
• Wednesday, May 5 12:46 p.m. A Post Office customer parked his car and did some business. On returning to the parking lot he found a break-in device lodged in the passenger side door – evidence of an interrupted theft.
1:26 p.m. Still gliding on the effects of last night/morning’s poly-intox binge long beyond checkout time at a relatively thrifty Valley West motel, a drunken lodger in Room 205 solved the problem by the simple act of refusing to open the door for the maid and management. Astonishingly, they didn’t just let him drunkenly wallow in the unpaid-for room for the rest of eternity. Instead, an officer came and arrested the man on a public drunkenness charge and took his poor little puppy to the county shelter.
2:22 p.m. In what seemed like a failsafe arrangement, a man met someone he knew only as “The Hippie” near an I Street store and let the heavily jailhouse-tattooed man “test drive” his car for later purchase. It went so well that they were to meet at a future date so The Hippie could give him money for the car. Bye, The Hippie, in my car! But at the appointed pay-up point, The Hippie never returned with the cash. And what would be his motivation, anyway? Honesty? Funny. Anyway, now the seller is without car or cash value. He was unable to supply police with the license plate number or any registration paperwork.
7:43 p.m. In what might generously be categorized as performance art, someone took off a sweatshirt, set it on fire and threw it on top of a 10th Street sidewalk sculpture.
9:14 p.m. A man wearing “highwaters” and brandishing a chainsaw tried to start fights with people along Tavern Row, then somehow managed to disappear.
9:24 p.m. The chainsaw massacre-er made an appearance inside a Plaza tavern, then galloped away in his flood pants.
• Thursday, May 6 1:50 a.m. Someone crashed into a lumber trailer on M Street, then fled, leaving behind a smashed Toyota with major front-end damage. Despite evidence of a head injury – blood on the car’s windshield – local hospital emergency rooms reported no one coming in with similar injuries.
12:11 p.m. An F Street resident discovered vertebrae in her garden and called police. An officer determined that the bones were from a cat or something.
12:22 p.m. A Fifth Street business employee reported receiving an e-mail message from the husband of a co-worker that read, “Thanks for f#$*king up my life. I hope to return the favor someday. Keep your eyes open.”
4:11 p.m. A man at a Seventh Street trailer court spent the afternoon wailing obscenities. For reasons unknown, he’s been evicted and will be outta there by July 4.
4:47 p.m. A hospital patient was treated and left the ER, taking with her the hospital’s records of her medical treatment. She did leave one thing behind – a form which had been modified to indicate that she was to receive a prescription for Dilaudid, but no one was fooled.
5:44 p.m. Attendees at a Chamber of Commerce function on Bayside Road parked their cars in the bike lanes there. An announcement was to be made for folks to put down their wine and canapés and go move their motorcars.
8:22 p.m. A Roberts Way resident reported youths on scooters having fun tormenting her pooch by riding by and hitting the fence, inciting frenzies of arfage.
8:33 p.m. Teenagers tried to steal tequila from a Uniontown store.
• Friday, May 7 2:46 a.m. A skeeze-plagued Valley West motel reported a baby in Room 211 that needed medical attention. The night manager said that on responding to a report of domestic violence there, the man said that he and a female were only “having relations” and that everything was fine. But police went anyway and found a family with two infants there in no apparent trouble.
3:59 a.m. A Sunset Avenue resident reported a man in a hoodie trying to get into their home on grounds that he was friends with “Humphrey,” whoever that is.
4:02 a.m. The “Humphrey” gambit having inexplicably and yet dismally failed, a man with a jacket over his face tried to open the door of a neighboring home, was rebuffed, then returned to the site of the original Humphreying for another go at getting in there. Police easily located the drunken prowler and arrested him on a public drunkenness charge.
9:03 a.m. An F Street laundromat reported the theft of $500 from a washing machine, caught on video.
9:06 a.m. A Golf Course Road resident reported middle-aged women taking pictures of her house and backyard. Then, not bothering to invoke the traditional Humphrey immunity, the photographesses asked if they could go inside and get some more pictures.
9:57 a.m. A raccoon with profound anger-management issues, likely due to the rabies and all, was trapped in an Angelus Avenue backyard. An officer utilized a hand-held device which propelled a metal slug into its fevered brainpan, ending its rage and everything else.
12:22 p.m. Loud dogs in the 1400 block of Spear Avenue belonged to travelers allowed to camp in the yard.
1:59 p.m. After a Union Street apartment dweller enjoyed the company of guests, she found that she was no longer able to enjoy the company of her 160 gig baby blue iPod, because it had left with the so-called friends. Along with $115 in cash.
2:04 p.m. A bald-headed man wearing headphones stole recyclables from a 12th Street alley.
2:21 p.m. A traveler who had invested more effort into his appearance than caring for his animal companion showed up at a Valley West business. Bedecked in a fashion-forward camouflage outfit set off with a diamond earring, the man’s distinguishing accessory was a starving Pembroke Welsh puppy. Police didn’t find them.
3:13 p.m. Screaming was reported at the Marsh. It was a man whose stuff had just been stolen, and boy was he ever mad.
3:49 p.m. More Marsh sound effects, except that this time it was just recreational mental illness as a “heavy set” (fat) man yelled, screeched and made other “disturbing” noises near the log pond.
6:19 p.m. When a man trundled into a Plaza pizza restaurant and asked an employee to “hold on to his luggage,” it wasn’t a euphemism for anything unseemly. At that, he deposited his suitcases on the floor and left. After the involuntary Left Luggage shop called police, the man came back and retrieved his bags.
8:16 p.m. Low-aspiration hoodlums lingered out front of a store located in the remote westernmost area of 11th Street. After chugging some pot and harassing an employee, the four or five 19- to 24-year-olds got back into their black Hyundai Tiburon and red Camaro and roared off.
9:22 p.m. A “loud drum or bass beat” had Hallen Drive a-hoppin’.
9:37 p.m. Someone noticed that an A&MRTS bus had no working taillights.
• Saturday, May 8 11:19 a.m. After a man enjoyed some marijuana outside his Cedar Drive home, a neighbor got all huffy about it, confronting him. Which is really hard to deal with when you’re baked.
12:47 p.m. A mammoth green motorhome obliterated the landscape and a resident’s garage access on I Street. Ticket time.
1:40 p.m. A pit bull at 13th and Q streets didn’t appear to be vicious, but growled when people approached, probably out of fear and confusion. Lacking further direction and, of course, any ability to explain its origins, the orphaned animal wandered over to some mailboxes and awaited destiny’s next affront, which didn’t take long to arrive. Completing what was probably its worst day ever, not to mention one of its last, the dog was captured with a catchpole and taken to the county animal shelter.
4:32 p.m. A McCallum Circle resident complained vaguely about cats in the area, then hung up without providing details. A dispatcher tried to call back several times, but each time, the phone would be answered and quickly disconnected.
5:37 p.m. A dog on Virginia Way had been barking since 8 a.m., said an anonymous caller.
5:53 p.m. A dog wandered loose in the 2200 block of Jay Street, wearing no collar and looking to a passerby to be “extremely malnourished.” When the person tried to give the haggard pooch water, it was too enfeebled even to take a drink. An officer located the owner and issued a citation for an animal violation.
6:44 p.m. A backpack was stolen from a car at 11th and O streets.
7:20 p.m. Knife horseplay resulted in one person being stabbed in the arm and making a trip to the ER.
9:24 p.m. An incident labeled “NARCOTICS OFFENSE” that took nearly two hours to clear up involved a tattooed man who “grabbed a female out of a room” at a Janes Road motel, a naked woman, a Smith & Wesson firearm, a dog, a trailer park, resuscitation and a tow truck. Will it blend?
• Tuesday, May 11 7:46 a.m. A long-haired man with a beard and a multi-colored vest and believed to be on LSD spun ’round and ’round in circles in front of a donut shop until he ran into a car, knocked himself out and wound up flat on the sidewalk. It was so cosmic.
8:24 a.m. Someone got into a Huffman Drive barn and ripped the stereo out of a car.
9:50 a.m. A 93-year-old woman was found in her bathtub on Union Street. The coroner was notified.
10:47 a.m. A McCallum Circle resident reported armies of cats attacking raccoons under his house.
12:36 p.m. A mountain lion was spotted near Hidden Creek Lane.
3:11 p.m. A bearded man in sunglasses took pictures of a Lewis Avenue home and then pounded on the door. The homeowner wanted to know why. The photographer said it was because the resident had taken pictures of his house and had, he alleged, told a construction company that his was a drug house. All of which the other guy denied.
3:43 p.m. Someone with a goat was arrested out front of a Plaza tavern.
7:12 p.m. A full-bred Queensland Heeler, also known as a Blue Heeler or an Australian cattle dog, was reported stolen from the “mud room” at a Zehndner Avenue house.
9:27 p.m. A man in his Shirley Boulevard carport was approached by an unknown man. The resident shone a light on the approaching stranger, who immediately backed away, failing to mention Humphrey but stating that he was looking for cans. He headed for the Community Forest, which actually does contain an abundance of not just cans, but bottles, trays, tarps, tents and trash of every conceivable description.
9:28 p.m. A bat flew around inside the restaurant at an historic Plaza storehouse.