Exciting New Vomit-And-Pass-Out Diet Brings Cookie Toss, Not Weight Loss – July 27, 2010

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

• Saturday, June 26 1:26 a.m. Featured entertainment at a shindig at Alliance Road and Stromberg Avenue involved the wholesome, All-American activity of ripping pallets apart to the robotic thudding that constitutes popular music these days. An officer becalmed the zone, but didn’t stick around to reassemble the pallets.

• Sunday, June 27 2:07 a.m. A man’s man – you could tell this by the mohawk sticking out of the back of his baseball cap – aggressed in some unpleasant fashion at a woman on the Plaza. He ran away past the Post Office, only to return and break the woman’s car window.

2:45 a.m. A man called from a cell phone to report that he’d been assaulted and his $1,500 bicycle stolen by four guy, who he followed to a Wisteria Way address. Despite chipped teeth, the man, who had been drinking, declined medical attention.

5:45 a.m. A man wearing cowboy boots broke into a Westwood Court laundry room and overturned a washing machine. On being confronted by a tenant, the man fled in a white pickup truck.

2:02 a.m. More droning thuddage on Alliance Road, where a white car ina a driveway sat with its doors open, blasting that region of town with obscene and offensive (to one neighbor, anyway) lyrics.

3:20 p.m.

A 13th Street home’s living room

Gave off a slo-mo sonic boom

As drummers within

All throttled the skins

Till cops came with keep-it-down gloom

6:27 p.m. A woman on Janes Road repoeted being pushed down and getting her lip bruised. Bruiser-boy countered with a claim that she has threatened him with a knife.

8 p.m. A man claimed that a bartender had pushed him down and called him names. He then sought succor next to the stolid flanks of a towering Plaza president, from which comfort zone he called police and filed a report.

8:50 p.m. Cell phone 911 calls started coming in from South F street, but all that could be heard in the background was yelling and scuffling. Traditional values of good, bad, right, wrong, aggressor and victim being lost in the melee’s confusion, police mediated a resolution based on everyone going back inside their respective homes.

10:10 p.m.

A quiet Sunny Brae cul-de-sac

Was rockingly, rollingly racked

By some sort of band

Who blasted the land

Till cops put an end to their prac

• Monday, June 28 6:41 a.m. APD got a tip about a stolen vehicle taken from Eureka.  An APD Officer observed the stolen vehicle traveling westbound on Bayside Cutoff, where it turned onto northbound U.S. Highway 101. The vehicle failed to yield to the officer resulting in a pursuit being initiated. The pursuit continued to the Fieldbrook area where it finally stopped after the vehicle turned down a dead-end road. The driver, 29-year-old April Amador, was taken into custody. The passengers, later identified as 30-year-old David Stockhoff, and 23-year-old Gerald Bacon, fled the scene on foot, but were located and taken into custody during a search of the area. The HCSO and CHP assisted. It was soon determined that David Stockhoff was a wanted parolee at large. All three suspects were transported to the Humboldt County Correctional Facility. April Amador was booked for evading a peace officer and possession of stolen property. Gerald Bacon was booked fordelaying or obstructing a peace officer. David Stockhoff was booked for delaying or obstructing a peace officer, possession of a hypodermic syringe and a parole hold. Stockhoff was also booked on the warrant.

10:05 a.m. A Buttermilk Lane resident heard a crash, which damaged something unspecified in or around his yard. When he looked out the window, he saw a mid-’90s white Nissan pickup with a camper on the back zoom away, presumably to scale the heights of personal responsibility, starting at the bottom.

11:15 a.m. A Villa Way resident became upset on learning that after she’d moved without cancelling her Internet service, the monthly charges kept accumulating.

11:42 a.m. A shopping cart laden with personal detritus was left blocking the front of the drama-drenched donut shop, wholly halting hortatory histrionics and threatening to render this page largely blank. An officer tracked down the owner and delivered admonishments and cautions.

12:27 p.m. A crew of conservation camp inmates toiled in the South I Street sunshine. grooming trails, when some guy with a shaved head and neck tats walked by and tossed them a joint.

2:17 p.m. A man in an H Street business said he’d been attacked and worse, had lost his walking stick. An officer helped him find his stick.

2:26 p.m. A woman who vomited and passed out in an I Street parking lot told responding medical aid personnel that she was dieting, and that had made her ill.

6:04 p.m. A man called from the Plaza concerned that “they” were going to kill him and collect the $100 bounty “on his head.” Two officers responded and contacted the man, but he acted like he didn’t know what they were talking about.

• Tuesday, June 29 9:53 a.m. A man was seen wallowing on the ground next to a bottle ’o’ booze behind an H Street business. In-depth investigation determined that he had been drinking.

10:25 a.m. More traffic-stopping ducklings followed their mama across the Samoa/101 overpass, halting traffic.

11:13 a.m. A backpack-bearing man without sufficient funds to pay for his food yet somehow able to afford two dogs was detained by employees at a 13th Street marketplace after ripping off some grub and eating it outside. He was cited for petty theft and told that he could return to the store at the crack of never.

1:53 p.m. Well, who knows what it was that a neighbor saw an Iverson Avenue resident sell to the people who drove up to the house there? He handed them some unseen item through the car window, and pocketed cash.

2:02 p.m. A morass of scrounge lizards numbering more than two dozen, some smoking dope and at least one wearing a baseball cap, hegemonized the sidewalk in front of a Plaza bar, resisting entreaties to clear the area. Cops came and liberated the landscape.

2:50 p.m. A weeping woman showed up at the police station with a tale of cyber-woe. He’d read a babysitting ad on that bastion of consumer assuredness, Craigslist. and contacted the supposed sitter. Who better to trust than some semi-anonymous online entity who refused to give a phone number and provided only a name and e-mail address? The woman tearfully recounted how the sketchy sitter sent him checks in the amount of $5,700, which she deposited, on the understanding that she would wire $1,000 of it to his daughter. But then the bank called with the shocking news that the checks were no good. The good news was, she hadn’t sent the $1,ooo.

3:57 p.m. A woman reported that not far from a downtown taco truck, a 70-ish man with a long, gray ponytail who was carrying a water bottle had attempted to rub her back.

4:14 p.m. A saddled and bridle valued at $800 was reported stolen from a horse trailer. The sadlle is tan with tooling and a dark brown suede leather seat.

5:05 p.m. A road rage incident on the freeway led to an argument, then a fight behind a G Street restaurant.

6:19 p.m. A woman reported that her backpack was stolen in Los Angeles. She was advised to contact LAPD.

• Wednesday, June 30 9:48 a.m. A woman said that someone was entering her apartment and doing “strange things.” Among other things, the intruder had written the word “BIO” on her blue notepad.

9:50 a.m. A man who had parked his motorcycle in a handicapped parking space on Weott Way said someone saw a man go up to it and scratch the gas tank. Police arrested a suspect on a malicious mischief charge.

8:03 p.m. A man was reported dressed up as a PG&E representative and going door to door at an Alliance Road apartment complex asking for people’s bank statements and Social Security numbers. The caller waited until he had left the area to call police.

• Thursday, July 1 2:35 p.m. A woman parked at Seventh and F streets opened har car door just as a man rode by on a bike. The car door grazed the very end of her handlebar, she said, provoking the man into some sort of hissy-tizzy. The guy started kicking her car and proclaimed, “You’re gonna get punched, bitch!” A female passerby and nearby construction workers intervened and told the blustering biker to bug off.

5:29 p.m. A landlord discovered a cannabis grow operation of unclear proportions in a Benjamin Court house. Evidence included vents in the closet and a “sealed” garage.

5:34 p.m. A bicyclist reported riding eastbound on Chester Avenue, using proper hand signals and being cut off by a driver, whom he wanted admonished. An officer called the registered vehicle owner, who said that as he was exiting his driveway, the cyclist was riding by at an unsafe speed and almost caused a collision.

5:29 p.m. A power line went snap! at Alliance Road and Spear Avenue, closing the intersection to mule teams until emergency forces could repair it.

10:32 p.m. Malicious mischief at a Valley West motel featured broken windows in Room 119 and a foot chase, with two arrested.

• Sunday, July 4 3:25 a.m. A woman staying at a Janes Road motel screamed that her laptop computer had been stolen by an unknown man who had left, but motel management and police officers questioned whether shehad ever had a laptop computer in the room.

1:56 p.m. A woman hored a man to change the battery in her smoke detector. Around 11 a.m. she gave him $24 to buy her the battery and himself some lunch, and three hours later, she was still waiting for him to return. He finally did, and changed the battery as contracted.

2:02 p.m. A trusting soul, one of the remaining few not yet predated by ever-swarming opportunivores, parked in a designated handicapped spot outside the store where everything’s worth a dollar, without posting armed guards around the car. On returning, he found that his handicapped placard had been stolen.

8:26 p.m. A man did a glom ’n’ gallop at a no-excuses Plaza restaurant, leaving without paying his $11.45 tab.

8:52 p.m. A driver so defunctedly drunk that he fell out of his car in the drive-thru line at a Valley West golden arches was reported, then pulled over on Giuntoli Lane. He was arrested and his car towed.

11:32 p.m.

Loud drummerlings broadcast their rhythms

So loudly that no one could miss ’em

At Mr. Bill’s feet

The blustering beat

Was to end with official oblivium

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One Response to “Exciting New Vomit-And-Pass-Out Diet Brings Cookie Toss, Not Weight Loss – July 27, 2010”

  1. Jess

    How are you able to go into so much detail? And can you spell check and proofread?

    #5412

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