Alleged Grass Grower Goes Small-Game Hunting In Neighbor’s Closet – August 19, 2010

Thursday, August 19, 2010

• Saturday, July 17 3:03 a.m. Unknown associates with some sense of responsibility, if not attribution, dropped off a near-catatonic drunk at the hospital ER, then drove off.

2:24 p.m. Some unknown thief helped itself to a Sunset Avenue resident’s garage contents, stealing a mountain bike and backpack.

3:07 p.m. Still another drunk became marooned out at the Marsh. Directions for finding the inebed heap o’ human were: near the bridge of Jacoby Creek on the I Street side, head south from the bridge near the large tree along Jacoby Creek, on the trail near the grass in the clearing.

3:08 p.m. A gentleman utilizing a walker and an open green container of tangy adult refreshment chugged at low speed along J Street, perhaps looking for a handicappped drinking zone. But there isn’t one, so he had to pour out the prized beverage.

4:29 p.m. Just prior to being arrested at 18th and H streets, a man reportedly deployed a range of girlfriend-abusing measures. These included smashing a submarine sandwich in her face, pouring beer on her, hiding her cell phone, strangling her and dragging her from one room to another.

10:11 p.m. The appearance of slithy toves in hoodies at the transit center parking lot coincided, maybe not so coincidentally, with the breakage of various vehicle windows.

• Sunday, July 18 1:51 a.m. An I Street apartment dweller returned home from an evening on the town to find a bullet hole in his wall. Make that two. What police say was that a small caliber rifle bullet best suited to small game was discharged in a possibly varmint-rich apartment next door. It passed through sheetrock, entered a closet in the victim’s home, winged some clothes, then punched another hole in a bathroom wall. Charges of discharging a firearm within an inhabited dwelling and cannabis cultivation have been forwarded to the DA’s Office. Meanwhile, the resident in the newly-ventilated apartment is kind of glad he wasn’t home as hot lead was flying through it. He’s also grateful to the local semi-pro baseball team, whose sporting heroics he had been enjoying during the firefight with his garments. “The Humboldt Crabs saved my life,” he half-joked.

9:02 a.m. Asking your neighbor to clean up his dog’s logs off your lawn hardly seems like fightin’ words, but maybe there were offensive inflections. The neighbor reportedly “challenged him to fight and to be enemies.”

5:27 p.m. A Union Street man’s car may be possessed by otherworldly spirits. The fuel injectors are in a state of rebellion, forcing him to “speed up real fast,” and his clutch was hissing, making him almost kill two girls.

8:48 p.m. A bear was spotted on Panorama Drive, thence came the sounds of trash cans tipping over.

• Monday, July 19 a.m. Sometime over the weekend, a lumber company’s shop door was torn off and an $800 chainsaw stolen. Another shop’s lock was broken.

9:34 a.m. A son called about his ill, elderly father’s neighbors. They own three large dogs, and there’s “activity” at the house day and night, arousing suspicions that it’s a drug house.

10:25 a.m. One of the businesses that didn’t sell alcohol to a minor decoy during the July 12 decoy operation called asking for specifics about exactly when the youth was turned down. The parent company offers a “promotional advance” for following proper procedure.

10:36 p.m. A pit bull allowed to cavort freely on L.K. Wood Boulevard mauled a neighbor’s considerably less jawsome Great Pyrenees, and it required medical attention.

11:05 a.m. Like a moth to flame, a mentally disturbed person roamed too near the donut shop, sapping any remaining vestiges of sanity. Found yelling in the alley, the person was ambulanced to a mental health facil.

11:17 a.m. Bill collecters perstered the wrong person – someone with a name similar to an errant debtor. Police called the company and got them to stop bothering the financially responsible person.

11:20 a.m. A Maria Court resident left his $700 bike on the porch overnight. Now he’s a pedestrian.