Company’s Coming, Better Hide The Pills – September 19, 2010
• Monday, August 9
2:07 a.m. Oon Baldwin Street, something named “Steven” was making a newfound hobby out of banging violently on someone’s front door. At some point the Steven-creature left, and left the door in a distressed state. Police found the bangster near the Skate Park and arrested him on a malicious mischief charge.
7:30 a.m. Some idiot drives like a bat outta hell past the Mad River Fire Station every morning, and police are gonna catch him if they haven’t already.
9:57 a.m. A wanted man sitting on a Plaza bench was arrested and later extradited back to Sonoma County to face justice.
12:22 a.m. A Valley Wester said she notcied a well-known signholder hitting his dogs, and that he’d been mean to them for two years.
6:22 p.m. A family dispute included the use of a baseball bat and a milk crate.
• Tuesday, August 10 5:12 a.m. A Samoa Boulevard resident said that his ID had been stolen and that his neighbor poisoned him with arsenic because he did not understand his family. That very last part seems plausible.
9:05 a.m. A woman came to the station to report that at 6 a.m., she felt someone touch her behind. At the time, she thought she was dreaming or that it was her roommate. But later, $150 cash turned up missing from the wallet of another roommate’s wallet. The front door was still locked when she got up, so the leading theory was that he had crawled in through a downstairs window. Somehow she was able to provide a description of the suspected groper/thief: a white male in white basketball shorts and white shirt, about five feet, 10 inches with brown hair.
11:37 a.m. A woman said that Big Al had leaned forward to yell at her and her husband while they were stopped at a Valley West stop sign. Something about sprinklers.
2:04 p.m. A Shirley Boulevard resident complained of beeping sounds coming fom a neighbor’s house for three days.
10:41 p.m. Some men alternately lifting weights and yelling, lifting weights and yelling on Baldwin Street agreed to do their heavy lifting in a more tranquil fashion.
At Sixth and F, outdoor musicians
Had neighbors nearby all a-wishin’
They’d cease with the bellows
Cops greeted the fellows
And silence completed their mission
11:42 p.m. One of the multiple ongoing neighborly grudge matches flared, with one complaining about overly loud dog conversation in the other’s yard. An officer went over for a listen, but found the barking of the dogs somewhat less problematic than that of certain nearby humans. The officer also invoked the concept of observer-influenced reality insofar as the ambient arfage: “One of the dogs is barking, but it is because I am in the driveway.”
• Tuesday, August 10 8:26 a.m. A son complained of parents pestering him with numerous phone calls and “nasty” messages. The mom was called and advised to limit her telephony.
12:12 p.m. A person took a Marsh stroll, leaving a Mac laptop computer in the car.
12:51 p.m. A technician left his tools unguarded in his truck at the Arcata Branch Library. When he got to his next stop, they weren’t in the truck any more.
1:15 a.m. Little is known about the thief who took an unknown item from a Uniontown supermarket, except that he fancies primary colors. Clad in a green camouflage jacket and blue jeans, he hopped on a red motorcycle and sped away.
2:29 p.m. An anonymous caller reported that a mobile home contained 30 or more cats. There was no response at the trailer, but an officer was able to peer in and see “several” healthy, well cared-for cats.
3:39 p.m. Following a visit by her daughter-in-law from Hoopa, a woman reported 40 methadone pills missing.
3:40 p.m. About once a year, someone reports the theft of a garden hose. The latest hose heist took place on M Street, and may be associated with the residential motor home squatting there.
8:24 p.m. A different kind of hosing crisis next became apparent on M Street. The same fun bus was reported to be a sort of fountain of urine and garbage, both of which substances were liberally sprayed about its exterior.
9:35 p.m. A man appointed himself as sort of a reverse doorman, standing across the street from a downtown night club and bellowing at passersby not to patronize the place.
10:41 p.m. A man called in to report that he’d been wandering around for a while and didn’t know where he was. Suddenly, an epiphany – he was at a gas station/mini-mart on G Street, and all was right.
• Thursday, August 12 9:22 a.m. A Plaza business owner went to the police station to get help with his store’s shoplifting problem.
10:49 a.m. Children played with fire in an Antoine Avenue backyard. The fire was put out and the kids admonished.
11:07 a.m. A mammoth residential bus helled up west Ninth Street. When police came, the occupants huddled inside, unresponsive.
12:11 p.m. A Child Welfare Services worker reported a situation with a cannabis grow in a family home. Police advised that the grow was compliant with Prop 215 implementation guidelines, and legal. The CWS rep requested documentation.
1:26 p.m. A man found a potential employer on Craigslist, but the new job came with very unusual conditions. To earn his salary, he was to wire $5,050 to a Nigerian bank. He would then receive a $5,400 deposit, for a net profit of $350. These ludicrously risky machinations were cloaked in all the usual faux-sincere assurances that usually precede a hasty stab at the “Delete” button, but this job-seeker followed through with the scheme and sent the cash off to Africa. His payment went through, but the “employer’s” fake deposit was then denied. Next, the bank notified the job seeker that he owed it $5,400.
2:22 p.m. After a parking officer cited a vehicle at Ninth and H streets, the driver’s husband went all huffysnits and double-parked his red truck in the bike lane, refusing to move. The symbolic protest, along with his intransigence, withered away when he had to deal with a full-fledged police officer.
5:20 p.m. Dude was toking on a a joint while driving northbound on G Street.
5:30 p.m. Dudes were passing around a beer and maybe pot too in a car at Samoa Boulevard and G Street.
7:18 p.m. A woman parked the wrong way in a red zone at 16th and L streets didn’t like those facts pointed out, and retal iated with rudeness. Police motivated a move.
7:48 p.m. A mother in a custody dispute with a father reported the dad trying to pick their children up from a babysitter even though he has never met the conditions for joint custody. He was told to not only leave the kids with her, but to keep away from an entire region of town on pain of trespass.
A carport’s enchantment compounded
When saxophone strainsthere propounded
A narrative tuneful
But to sleepers not useful
Hornman packed up before he was hounded
• Friday, August 13 2:19 a.m. The Marsh is closed after dark, even to fish catchers.
7:26 a.m. A man called from what he said was the southbound freeway ramp onto Samoa Boulevard. Emergency forces scrambled, but then it turned out that the victim was calling from Fortuna.
8:16 a.m. A deer carcass in a blue tarp turned up on the side of West End road.
9:19 a.m. Two individuals wanted on warrants were arrested at the Marsh and their animals taken to the county shelter.