Lumpen Masses’ Greasy Dealings Roil Pastryland’s Portal – September 13, 2010
• Wednesday, August 4 1:18 a.m. Despite the restraining order she had against him, a man’s evening with a bi-polar woman had gone swimmingly up to this point. Then, as happens with Earth’s magnetic field every 300,000 years or so, except in a much briefer interval, the poles unexpectedly reversed and she started hitting herself, possibly suggesting that the restraining order had been taken out against the wrong person.
9:29 a.m.
Doe, a deer, an injured deer
Back behind Virginia Way
Fawns nearby were helpless, since
Mom’s immobilized that day
But, when officers arrived
Fawns and doe appeared to thrive
Mommy doe-est only limped
Her mobility not crimped, la la la.
1 p.m. A loose pit bull at L.K. Wood Boulevard and Ridge Road was reported attacking other animals, presaging a five-way argument between the humans there. An officer arrived and cited the dogs owner for the animal violation.
2:18 p.m. A man and woman who had been given temporary permission to park a travel-trailer rig at a St. Louis Road craftsmans’ mall apparently thought the arrangement was permanent, and refused to leave. Arguments ensued, as did some vandalism which the victim believed the unwanted guests were responsible for.
3:46 p.m. So determined are the dumpster spelunkers in Valley West that they systematically cut off the locks on dumpsters behind the stores there. It’s like the fifth or sixth time this has happened.
10:35 p.m. A security guard at an Alliance Road apartment complex discovered a “large amount of marijuana” discarded in a dumpster. A passel of recycling hunter/gatherer travelers happened upon the glorious groundscore at about the same time, and apparently left to notify more skilled reinforcements. Thence arrived two cannabis retrieval specialists, one of which, apparently the alpha, sported red hair and beard and a jaunty fedora, while his sidekick’s most memorable feature was his missing teeth. The trash-bin trim swiftly disappeared.
• Friday, August 6 9:12 a.m. A lodger at a Valley West motel woke up to find that his girlfriend had checked out, so he did the only logical thing – called the front desk and bitched out the manager. Police were called to stand by while Captain Unreasonable checked out, but he’d already made a hasty departure.
10:29 a.m. A man in the police station lobby complained of having trouble moving his hands. But the real problem was found to be northward of his extremities, and he was taken to the fun house.
3:07 p.m. A signholder at the corner of Giuntoli Lane and Valley West Boulevard – yes, him – fell down and cut his hand on the curb. At this, his dogs became agitated and started fighting. So it wasn’t the best afternoon.
5:30 p.m. The world’s most incompetent burglars utterly bungled a Valley East Boulevard break-in. With a neighbor looking on, the two forced their way into an apartment, then passed out. Police arrived and awakened the attention-deficit dimwits, one of which put up a futile struggle before being arrested.
• Saturday, August 7 12:29 a.m. Water gushed from the upstairs apartment of an elderly Hallen Drive resident, who wouldn’t answer the door. Firefighters responded and persuaded the resident to shut off the water, but the obstinate occupant still refused to open the door.
1:24 a.m. After coming into some sort of conflict with beer-guzzling boyos in Eureka, a woman drove back to Arcata. But the punks followed, tailgating and flipping off the woman whilst swigging brews all the way back to Bayside Road.
2:43 a.m. A violent sex pervert from Wyoming – so many memorable stories start out that way, not including this one – showed up at the police station front door, wishing to surrender. His wish was granted with an arrest.
2:45 a.m. A simmering dispute in front of the donut shop bubbled like a roiling cauldron of grease into which sweetened pastry plasma will soon be plunged. But the doughy masses at pastryland’s pungent portal were anything but sweet – indeed, the flavor of their collective temperament might best be described as chipotle-bile extreme, and who would want chipotle on their cruller? The unsavory specimens were duly dunked in the drunk tank.
12:30 p.m. A hospital patient’s soon-to-be-lowered expectations of magical meds were doomed to non-fulfillment – he wasn’t going to get a prescription for happy pills, and it was feared that his “mood will escalate.” Police escorted the moody boob off the property.
3:45 p.m. The mood-escalated ex-patient above might have been well-served by a stroll over to the Post Office, where a silver-haired man out front was said to be selling pills of some kind.
4:45 p.m. A Palomino Lane resident called police over the theft of one of her table chairs. What was confounding was when or how anyone had gotten into the trailer (not to mention why they’d steal a chair), and it turned out that no one had. A quick census of available sitting devices in the mobile home turned up a complete set of four, not the five the resident thought she owned.
• Sunday, August 8 2:19 a.m. A Blakesleee Avenue resident awoke to a distinctly “acidey” smell in her home. This especially concerned her, since her grandchildren were staying the night. The Fire Department responded with their air pumps and stuff.
2:50 a.m. Dingbat upheaval, nimrod imbroglio or goofball eruption? It falls to future historians to ascertain the exact nature of the anguished yodeling overheard emanating from a dank carport in the desolate nether regions ’neath an apartment building on F Street. There, the evening’s statistically inevitable bellowing loon held forth at top volume, castigating some unidentified wretch – possibly himself – in uncompromising, profanity-laden terms. In a startling twist, the roaring hortator sounded drunk.
9:10 a.m. The post-breakfast scenario at a Chester Avenue home involved one roommate brandishing a wooden sword at another. The argument had lumbered down a notch when police arrived, with the Bickersons battling verbally over privacy issues.
10:14 a.m. A placid Sunday morn on Old Arcata Road was shattered by the growly buzz of swarming all-terrain vehicles piloted by children. An adult was contacted, and promised that he’d keep the ATV rides short so that neighbors could enjoy fleeting, motor-free intervals of peace and quiet on their prized days off.
1:45 p.m. A worried lad who hadn’t seen his brother since Friday night called police. When an officer checked in, the sibling had been told by Dad that his bro was away camping.
3:02 p.m. A man was offered marijuana near the Ball Park, didn’t want any and didn’t fancy being approached for drugliness. He called police on his cell phone while tailing the nug juggler, who, clad in a Looney Tunes t-shirt, was headed inexorably toward – where else? – the Schwazz. Located on the west side, the pot poltroon was denuded of his dope and cited for possession.
3:06 p.m. The Redwood Park playground was again made into a dog run, temporarily.
6:46 p.m. A woman watched a white Ford Tempo plow right into the back of a Dodge truck on Giuntoli Lane. And then this one guy started bleeding.
11:45 p.m. A stranger knocked on an upper H Street front door, then resorted to riding a bicycle pointlessly back and forth in front of the home. The resident called police, who came and made the guy’s acquaintance. It turned out he had picked the wrong address in front of which to pointlessly loiter.
• Monday, August 9 12:25 a.m. The man in Room 100 of a Valley West motel called in to report that his brother had maybe given him a “dirty look.” The motel reported that scowling sibling, if he existed at all, wasn’t registered there. Police went and arranged hospitalization for the troubled man.
12:27 a.m. The emotional weather on Alliance Road wasn’t much better. There, a simmering dispute between roommates wasn’t exactly ameliorated by the way one of them acted when he got home, what with all that slamming stuff around. The other roommate didn’t feel safe, and called police. Oficers advised both of civil remedies and said they would be available if needed.
