Boggled Brainpan Bypassed By Body Electric – October 23, 2010

Saturday, October 23, 2010

• Tuesday, September 14 4:02 p.m. A reckless wheelchair driver careened in and out of traffic at Buttermilk Lane and Bayside Road. He was advised to stay out of the roadway.

10:06 p.m. A ball player claimed he’d been assaulted by an umpire at the Community Center.

• Thursday, September 16 10:50 a.m. A patron at a downtown venue claimed he’d been “singled out” among many similarly misbehaving attendees, and brutalized with resulting neck damage. Police  determined moral equivalency – that it was mutual combat ’twixt this distinguished denizen and the bouncer, and at that point the victim declined further action.

2:31 p.m. A “possible woman” was reported behaving crazily in Valley West. First she ran in circles around a pole, then played with a piece of string as though teasing a cat, just without a key ingredient – the cat. She then plopped down in the grass near a motel where she wasn’t a guest and didn’t have grass-sitting privileges. When emergency forces arrived, the woman was running laps in front of the motel. She was taken to a mental health facility.

• Friday, September 17 8:06 p.m. A man strode purposefully up Buttermilk Lane, smoking a cigarette and carrying a “very large” knife… with which he intended to help a friend prepare dinner.

11:25 p.m. Police were again called to a home from which chronic domestic violence calls originate. Pushing and slapping and a kid’s hurt arm were discussion topics.

• Saturday, September 18 8:34 a.m. A man with a “known white supremacy affiliation” was cited for camping under the St. Louis Road freeway overpass.

8:59 a.m. A father complained that his daughters were being harassed by traveler-men at the transit center. Police arrived in three minutes and 25 seconds. Despite a plea of non-involvement, a nearby cretin was admonished. The officer stood by until the girls were safely on the bus.

11:49 a.m. The properly placarded car parked in a handicapped spot in a business’s private lot didn’t belong to a customer. The user asserted that her handicapped privileges entitle use of the spot in the store’s lot regardless of patronage, then left.

1:15 p.m. A woman with a stress disorder encountered a man she hadn’t seen in three years downtown. She said he got out some sort of camera and thrustt it in her face. The two separated.

2:44 p.m. A man with too much Anvian on board threatened suicide by burning himself on his stove. He was taken to the hospital and forcibly restrained for treatment.

6:34 p.m. It was almost like an electrical storm washed over Sunny Brae, with transformers arcing and “trouble sensors” flashing in various locations.

11:09 p.m. A woman talked to the watch commander about what she thought was police harassment.

• Sunday, September 19 9:45 p.m. An umbrella was reported aflame in a planter near the 14th Street freeway overpass. Police couldn’t locate the blazing parasol.

• Monday, September 20 10:36 a.m. A father was reported dragging his children by the head in Valley West. Police found the kids uninjured. The father said he had disciplined the kids for “running around and misbehaving.”

11:48 a.m. A man with a green-lettered sign affixed to him was reported swinging a broom pole and worrying people in front of City Hall. He denied hitting anyone with the pathetic scepter.

4:13 p.m. A youth reportedly stole the tip jar at a downtown shop for the third time.

7:03 p.m. A man complained that he was trying to pay his rent, but the payee wouldn’t accept it. The check wouldn’t be accepted directly from the renter, only from an officer.

10:52 p.m. A man with a disability and a lot of alcohol coursing through his veins had a hard time making his way home, falling and scratching himself and losing his wallet. He drunkenly complained that unknown people had broken in and stolen the wallet, but wasn’t sure if he was in the right apartment. Police went by and secured him in his bed, then locked the door and left.

• Tuesday, September 21 2:54 a.m. It seemed to one resident that after he complained about garbage being spilled during pickup, the garbage truck noise increased dramatically in retaliation. No noise violations or garbaggian vengeance were immediately verified.

9:03 a.m. The day’s designated streetcorner screecher was a woman in a rainbow sweater on I Street.

4:49 p.m. Traffic cones were placed on East 13th Street to preserve parking there, but it’s a public street and you can’t do that.

6:58 p.m. A woman said she bought money orders for $557.40 and $321.32, didn’t fill in a payee’s name and then lost them. She said they were cashed and she was out the money.

10:03 p.m. A customer at a downtown tavern said his cell phone had been stolen by a man still in the area. The surveillance video was inconclusive, but the alleged thief consented to a search. He had a phone similar to the missing one, but it didn’t have the identifying feature – a small crack in the lower right-hand corner.

• Wednesday, September 22 9:31 a.m. A citizen complained that a man had thrown a cup of coffee in his face. The java-flinger may not have been feeling like his normal self – he apparently hadn’t ponytailed his beard that day.

10:16 a.m. License plates and registration stickers were reported removed from vehicles at a storage yard.

11:54 a.m. A set of antique dishes were fraudulently purchased from a store, with the transaction captured on video.

3:22 p.m. After being fired, a woman complained that her ex-employer wouldn’t let her have her tent and clothes back.

3:52 p.m. A mobile home park custodian reported that at 2 a.m. as she was cleaning a men’s room, she was approached by a short man in a military hat acccompanied by two overweight blond women making friendly-strange conversation. The encounter was an uneasy one – they acted suspiciously, asking to use the restroom, but were refused.

5:48 p.m. A woman using the germ-encrusted courtesy phone outside APD complained that police took her medical marijuana away from her. But in the minute or two that it took to direct an officer to the front door, the woman vanished.

7:21 p.m. A grandmother accidentally locked a one-year-old in a car at the Community Pool. The tot was in the vehicle less than 20 minutes before HSU Police, who have gained great expertise in opening cars locked with keys left inside, liberated it. Firefighters medically cleared the child.

• Thursday, September 23 3:38 p.m. A yellow Lab was left without food or water in a car on 11th Street. Someone noticed, police came and the dog went to the shelter.

4:32 p.m. A man came to the front counter to report finding a headless body in Shay Park two days earlier. Police went and found the body, later identified as Dale Wayne Martin (see above).

• Friday, September 24 2:15 a.m. A donut shop’s serene surreality was ruptured by an out-of-control drunken hooligan. Pickled beyond reason, police bypassed his brainstem by hotwiring his nervous system. The electrical override allowed arrest and hospitalization.

2:09 p.m. An un-fired bullet was found in a downtown parking lot.

8:58 p.m. A super-thin man in a wet yellow jumpsuit and tennis shoes that were way too large for his feet came to an F street front door. he said he had fallen in a creek by the Hammond Bridge. The resident was creeped out because of the body which had been found in Jolly Giant Creek the previous day.

• Saturday, September 25 10:32 a.m. A 11th Street woman’s duck was killed by a skunk.

3:19 p.m. A woman at a downtown store complained of harassment by an officer.

4:25 p.m. Possibly the same woman complained that a Department of Justice official was using a “brain device” on an APD officer to harass her. She said she had to “complete her duties,” and that President Obama isn’t an American.

• Sunday, September 26 8:40 a.m. A large bag of rotting meat and a kitchen knife were located in a ditch at 11th Street and Janes Road, available for self-serve.