Cheery Abatement Stickers Brighten Up Hulk-Engulfed Streets – October 5, 2010
• Sunday, August 22 12:09 a.m. A metastasizing cabal of drummers “somewhere in the area” of the Plaza so distressed one earwitness, he couldn’t or wouldn’t utter his own name. Police bopped over and established communication, which bore immediate fruit. An upbeat note was struck when some of the drummers removed themselves from the flower planters. Next, drum circle representatives agreed to play one last song, probably not a rousing Souza march. And then they were gone.
1:11 a.m. The labored efforts of a drunk to make forward progress on a Foster Avenue sidewalk were so hyper-shambolic that he resembled a six-man bum fight in motion, and was reported as just that. Having veered off course with an unplanned gutter plummet, crash landing and mild fuselage damage, the man looked ambulance-ready to arriving police. The rolling blunder refused medical treatment, but was able to attain some semblance of verticality – “The subject that was down is now up,” reported an officer. He was arrested and placed in a location with less challenging terrain.
6:40 a.m. As a woman boarded an outbound bus to get away from her boyfriend, who showed up at the Transit Center but Mr. Wonderful, who took her bag (containing her medicine and other stuff) away from her. Afraid for her safety, she got on the bus and left anyway.
10:06 a.m. A man on Iverson Avenue said he had two flat tires from the push pins that his neighbor had used to post yard sale signs. He wanted an officer to come over and explain his “options.”
1:34 p.m. A cowboy (at least according to his hat) stole a “large amount” of something unspecified from a Valley West home of honest goodness. In his haste to flee the store, he managed to destroy some other merchandise, but all the corrupt cowpoke did was stride across the street to a burger stand and linger, savoring the aerosolized lard in the parking lot while waiting to be citizen’s arrested, and so he was.
2:25 p.m. A man in a tan hat, accompanied by a woman in a red shirt plus their dogs, a shepherd mix and a three-legged malamute, picked out a spot on the Plaza lawn to settle in with his laptop computer and take advantage of the free Wi-Fi. As patrons of a café across the street noshed dummies, they were treated to the sight of pooch by-product extruding from the shepherd onto the lawn. At that, they all walked off, leaving the big, sloppy heap o’ dog doo there for others to savor.
2:28 p.m. A number of windows were broken at the recycling center, with a former employee suggested as the culprit.
5:42 p.m. A highly reputable-looking man with a shaved head, camo hat, backpack and big knife roved a Valley West mobile home park, slashing tires.
7:42 p.m. An officer was in a brief standoff with a bear in a Diamond Drive yard, but the ursine interloper lost the staredown and took its leave.
• Monday, August 23 7:14 a.m. An ex-employee returned to a business and confronted employees, so police were asked to tell him to stay away and leave them alone.
8:54 a.m. Motion-sensor lights and a pair of yellow Crocs were stolen from a J Street home.
8:57 a.m. A propane tank was stolen off a forklift on Alliance Road over the weekend, with the locks cut off for access.
9:01 a.m. A clapped-out crapvan appeared in McDowell Court, helpfully positioned directly in front of a resident’s mailbox. The hulking vehicle was up on blocks, with its transmission removed and placed alongside. An abatement officer went and put an orange sticker on it, brightening up the neighborhood a little bit.
9:18 a.m. About 200 yards up trail 15, a deer was said to have been savaged by two black labs. The frenzied dogs continued to circle and bark at the injured deer, which didn’t appear able to get up. Police were unable to immediately respond dueto all on-duty personnel being occupied with other entirely unnecessary imbroglios.
10:41 a.m. The little dog at the yellow house just yaps all day.
11:41 a.m. Convenience-prioritizers continually park their cars in the handicapped spot at a Plaza bank.
3:41 p.m. A woman reported that her boyfriend had stolen a family heirloom from her Janes Road motel room – a moon rock. She told police that if they see the man, to ask him for the rock back.
5:44 p.m. For a time, the stop sign at 11th and M was sufficient to hold a brown-haired woman upright. But gravity’s tentacles, aided by the motor control-numbing effects of alcohol, eventually ensnared the hapless lass. Police lifted the woman from the gutter and took her to the hospital.
7:38 p.m. The dog and pony show at 30th Street and Alliance Road consisted of a dog, a man in brown and green shorts standing in for the pony and a brief spasm of violence. Perhaps driven into a primal rage by the human’s hideously-hued half-pants, the pooch snapped and arfed at him. The man, in turn, kicked at the dog, critiquing its character with all manner of hastily-selected adjectives delivered at top volume. Located with tooth marks in his exposed leg flesh, the man didn’t wanna do nuthin’ about it. But police nonetheless captured the trouser-terrorized dog and took it to the shelter for quarantine.
8:01 p.m. Scant minutes later on Alliance Road, a sick skunk was propelled heavenward on wings of birdshot.
11:05 p.m. Feckless soon-to-be-former residents of an affordable living complex on Boyd Road indulged their already well-established dickishness and made life a living heck for the downstairs neighbors one last time using available materials – their own stomping feet plus a clothes dryer turned on and off over and over.
• Tuesday, August 24 1:40 a.m. A mixed-up ER patient with an IV hanging out of her wanted to leave the hospital. Her husband stalled her outside while police were summoned. On officers’ arrival, she was back inside and under care.
9:45 a.m. A skunk in an Eye Street backyard was “acting drunk,” but mustered enough sobriety to elude a police officer.
10:47 a.m. As if to taunt the residents, the skunk popped up in the Eye Street house’s front yard, then scampered away giggling.
11:03 a.m. Two men were reported dragging a dog and a puppy up Union Street to 11th Street, then to parts unknown.
11:25 a.m. An elderly gentleman in a checkered shirt and holding a cane sat motionless for hours at the north end of the Marsh Interpretive Center parking lot. Though upright and conscious, a Marsh employee was nonetheless worried about the lot gnome. He was OK; just waiting for a ride.
2:26 p.m. A Davis Way resident has taken up a new hobby – breaking glass objects in the middle of the street. Concerned for children, other neighbors have been cleaning up the shards, but would rather not make a career of it.
5:28 p.m. A “typical white gangster kid” wearing an EnergyStar hat blasted various Alliance Road pedestrians with paintballs.
5:43 p.m. The checkered gnome hobbled with his cane at extremely low velocity up the middle of South G Street, inspiring concern. An officer checked on him.
8:19 p.m. A medical marijuana patient chose an odd location to self-medicate in his car – the corner of Panorama Drive and Panorama Court.
11:07 p.m. An officer locked up the Skate Park for the night.
• Thursday, August 26 8:14 a.m. Another galoot determined to drive cowboy hats into further disrepute parked right next to the Sunny Brae Park sign and disgorged two dubious assistants. Wielding an ax, the mini-logging crew began chopping wood in the public tree reserve. This went over so well with the neighbors that police rolled up right away. The behatted one had a probation issue – that is, he was on it and breaking it. A search of his soon-to-be-towed vehicle turned up unspecified happychems, so he went off to a familiar circumstance in bracelets that went jingle-jangle-jingle.
8:56 a.m. What an area resident sardonically described as a “classic” vehicle appeared as a two-week fixture on Valley West Boulevard, a FOR SALE sign in the window attesting to its unlovability.
9: 32 a.m. A pair of pit bulls joined forces at Eastern and Western avenues, adopting pack-hunting tactics on an electrician trying to do some work there. As the marauding duo roved the neighborhood, an officer couldn’t get close enough to read the address on the dogs’ tags.
10:05 a.m. An “extremely irate” man in Valley West demanded to know why he couldn’t camp within city limits. He refused to identify himself, and demanded to speak with a sergeant.
11:14 a.m. An I Street information kiosk once again served as a beacon for the besotted, with several dazed souls arrested nearby on drug charges.
1:02 p.m. A car was parked in a red zone on Sunset Avenue, but an officer decided that the red paint was so faint that it wouldn’t be fair to ticket the vehicle.
3:16 p.m. A man was treated for facial injuries after some sort of conflict that morning at the Marsh.
4:24 p.m. Another dog-choking man strolled up Bayside Road.
5:56 p.m. The last thing a McKinnon Court resident could have expected was that billowing clouds of smoke from burning garbage would bring visits from police and air quality officials bearing ticket books.
6:14 p.m. A fight over moldy items in an Alliance Road apartment’s refrigerator climaxed in a glass being hurled to the floor in anger, followed by a storm-out.
• Friday, August 27 10:42 a.m. An Alliance Road resident was extremely upset with a neighbor whom she said had initiated a feud with her. The neighbor reportedly told someone she’s a “snitch” and is “gonna get it.”
1:13 p.m. Two men with backpacks rendezvoused near the train tracks on Ninth Street, pulling from their urban-survivalist backpacks a number of baggies with “white stuff in them.” These were lined up on the grass for a brief display, then packed back up and carried away.
2:30 p.m. When the “New York Tax Club” called a Q Street resident offering some sort of fee-based tax shelter, she invested $78,155. After being contacted many more times for more payments, she tried to get her money back, but her calls aren’t returned. The case was referred to the FBI’s Internet Crime unit.
2:54 p.m. A man came to APD to document a problem he was having with City employees shouting out his name when they pass him in their trucks. The man had notified Public Works, and was told that that department’s director would be told of the problem.
5:26 p.m. A bag of pee was found near the Ball Park.
11:23 p.m. The world’s worst door-to-door salesjackass turned up on Jay Street. In a red shirt and brown bandana, he kept asking through the door for someone who didn’t live there, asking questions and talking about selling drugs. After saying he was going to get a gun, he wandered away, pausing only to throw a rock at the house.
11:43 p.m. A man in a red sweatshirt stood around in the 2000 block of 11th Street, asking passersby if they wanted to buy crack.
• Saturday, August 28 1:25 a.m. A possibly intoxicated, very emotional man sat in an SUV in a Valley West parking lot. He had threatened suicide, and a witness had seen his gun. The troubled man was a military veteran with PTSD. Fire and ambulance personnel stood by as police closed in on the SUV, but it was too late. The chaplain and coroner were notified.
12:37 p.m. A driver gassed up a vehicle with $63 in petrol, then drove away without paying from a Uniontown station.
2:33 p.m. A downtown hardware store has become militant about parking lot interlopers. A vehicle was cited.
5:59 p.m. Some kids threw a dead chicken on a stick into a lady’s house in Valley West.
6:43 p.m. A superheated citizen aglow with righteous rage let off a coronal mass ejection of resentment over the antics of his neighbors, those punks. As a dispatcher attempted to document his travails, the man railed about the skateboard slamming he’d been enduring. Apparently he’d confronted the noisy neighbs, as an officer arrived to advise him not to engage the neighbors directly and just let cops deal with the noise. Then they endured his crabby complaints that alcohol is legal and that people can enjoy beverages of this nature on their porches, which just isn’t right. He agreed to stay inside and be mellow for the evening, or most likely to stew in silence about the injustice of it all.