Omnidirectional Oozing Stymies Doper Detection – October 12, 2010

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

• Saturday, August 28 7:47 p.m. A man told an officer that he was going to kill someone who had threatened him, then started rambling about someone who practices martial arts and lives under a house, and a laptop computer which is open and sending out signals. “Just wanted you to know,” he added, walking away.

• Sunday, August 29 1:31 a.m. Watermelon enthusiasts made off an unknown quantity of their succulent orbs from a Uniontown store.

2:19 a.m. A dishonesty enthusiast made off witha 12-pack of microbrew valued at $16.50 from an Alliance Road mini-mart.

1:36 a.m. Room 113 at a Valley West motel-in-decline featured two unregistered guests: one obstinate lowbrow who refused to leave and a female cringing in the bathroom. The man’s verbal abuse of the night clerk wasn’t very persuasive, and the festering billet still clings to some notion of standards. Soon police were escorting the man and vestigial femme off the property.

9:37 a.m. A woman offered a geographically-garbled account of a car accident which she said had taken place on the downtown block that has Plaza Grill and the Hotel Arcata on it, even though those two businesses are on different streets separated by the breadth of the Plaza. She said that a Honda pulled in front  of her and she hot it. A man then got out, came over, told her not to worry about the damage and drove away.

8:21 a.m. Two people, a black man in an orange HSU hoodie and a white woman with a long dark ponytail, appeared at an elderly woman’s front door the previous night at 9:30 p.m., asking her name and engaging her in extended conversation. They offered some story about wanting to donate a jacket or something, and they did have a small paper bag, but it wasn’t big enough to hold any jacket. When the woman called her daughter to the door, the dubious jacket donors left on foot.

11:52 a.m. A person at the front counter complained of police “putting up” with someone for so many years.

• Tuesday, August 31 9:30 a.m. A man who was unable to care for himself wandered out to the Marsh area and proceeded to waste away. Environmental Services found the man not having eaten or drank anything for several days, and called in a park ranger. The man was ambulanced to the hospital.

10:20 a.m. Two tattooed men at Samoa Boulevard and H Street shared blithering idiot duties, splitting the workload of yelling at passing people and cars. Both were arrested on drunkenness charges.

10:48 a.m. A strange new subspecies of aimless male has been recently noted – skinny little dudes with baseball caps  riding around on undersized kids’ stingray bikes, insouciantly steering with one hand. One such specimen made its way north on the narrow H Street sidewalk, wheeling past a donut shop eternal.

10:54 a.m. A Russian bayonet was found in a Valley West field. The person who found it thought that it way have been used in recent area tire slashings.

12:12 p.m. The ether-like stench rising from a downstairs Union Street apartment led the upstairs dweller to suspect drug manufacture. Police went a-knockin’, and the dowstairs resident was glad to let the officer in to see the bubbling pot of spaghetti on the stove.

12:26 p.m. If you had a digital camera, laptop computer, external hard drive and other pricey electronic claptrap, a perfectly secure place to leave it all would be an unlocked car in a downtown parking lot at night. Or so one man supposed. But his theory didn’t play out so well, and on top of losing the techo-goodies, someone used his credit card for a $104.23 charge at a Uniontown variety store. That was weird, because the credit card was one thing that hadn’t been stolen.

12:59 p.m. After a road-ragerific incident on westernmost Eighth Street, the deranged driver made his exeunt with a destructive fluorish by backing into an innocent bicycle in a parking lot bike rack.

3:27 p.m. A woman was very upset about the way police handled her complaint three years ago that a neighbor was picking her fruit. She thinks it’s because of her looks.

4:36 p.m. The comfort level of a passerby wasn’t exactly enhanced by the sight of a scruffy-type fellow lingering between the gas station and credit union on Giuntoli Lane with a pair of scissors in his hand – especially when the guy pointed the blades at his torso. Police found the scruffster sitting on the sidewalk, playing with the scissors.

• Wednesday, September 1 6:49 p.m. A seemingly drunken man howled bad, bad words while carrying his shoes in his hand near a Fifth Street mini-storage complex, inspring two calls to police.

7:54 p.m. When an ATM refused to release a man’s bank card, he called police, demanding an officer.

• Thursday, September 2 2:40 p.m. Business employees on Ninth Street were reported erasing chalk marks placed on their car tires by a parking officer.

10:04 p.m. A Bayside Road apartment complex oozed dope smoke, but its origin couldn’t be determined, probably because it was issuing from multiple locations, if not the entire town.