Un-Glad Dad Narcs Half-Hirsute Pharmazoid – October 16, 2010
• Friday, September 3 11:53 a.m. Train-track lingerers near Fun Bunch World Headquarters entered into intensive discussions over their anticipated urination on a warehouse wall. The business’s personnel became “privy” to the pre-pee planning, and as the travelers went with the flow, the bizperson got on the phone to police. An officer found three trickling travs, at least one of whom was drunk and soon, arrested.
1:25 p.m. A mountain lion roamed near the entrance to Redwood Park.
2:16 a.m. A group of men and women reportedly sat around on lawn chairs across from a Baldwin Avenue elementary school, chugging herb. But the witness had erroneously identified the roiling miasma issuing from the lawn loungers – an officer found them smoking health-giving cigarettes.
4:36 p.m. A citizen reported broken glass on Sunset Avenue, and recommended that police dust it for prints.
8:11 p.m. A driver-by observed a man dressed in all black in a wheelchair, whirling around in circles at Seventh and Union streets.
• Saturday, September 4 2:27 a.m. A troubled 23-year-old played with scissors, and his wrists were none the better for it.
2:28 a.m. A man found sleeping on the hood of a car on 11th Street was determined to have sampled cocktails not too long ago.
2:35 a.m. A man in a brown jacket at Samoa Boulevard and F Street assumed responsibility for fulfilling the night’s quota of senseless howling. But the challenges of screeching and stumbling erratically in simultaneous fashion proved entirely too taxing for his alcohol-addled motor control subsystems, and, losing another battle of wits with that canny old adversary, gravity, he fell to Earth. After a brief power nap in the median, the bumbling browncoat was able to reverticalize just in time to greet an arriving officer. In this case, “greeting” means himself putting up an ineffectual scuffle and then getting his drunken ass arrested.
3:11 a.m. Fleece or leather? This conflict may have been at the root of the clash between two mutual-shovees at Samoa Boulevard and K Street. One wore a hoodie, the other a jacket, but police didn’t need a Venn Diagram to locate their common ground – public drunkenness.
10:29 p.m. A 911 caller stated that he was an alcoholic and either wanted to die or was dying, or both. He refused to say where he was, and since we still live in some semblance of a civilization (see above), emergency forces scrambled to the area from which his call originated. A perimeter was established around a field and firefighters using an infrared heat-sensing device were called in. The man was located, but declined assistance, rendering the entire exercise a waste of time and resources. A female friend of the man said she has been in touch with Adult Protective Services about his drinking and inability to deal.
• Sunday, September 5 5:44 a.m. A man and his dog misunderstood the basic mission of a Uniontown supermarket – he apparently thought it was a place where you go in with your pit bull, yelling, to stroll out with a bottle of liquor. Followed, tased and tamed, the bellowing boozer was arrested. His dog took master’s cue and bit someone, and was quarantined.
5:49 a.m. A man said his jaw was broken by two travelers to whom he refused to give money.
• Monday, September 6 8:25 a.m. A man in Valley West said a pregnant woman tried to sell him LSD.
11:53 a.m. A rude, pushy, fat, well-dressed woman was reported selling magazines in the 300 block of 12th Street.
5 p.m. Two women, one fat and one thin, were reported selling “points” to win a trip to Hawaii in the 1700 block of Antoine Avenue.
• Tuesday, September 7 10:38 a.m. A cell phone butt-dialed 911. All the dispatcher heard was pocket/clothing noise.
11:23 a.m. A too-friendly bear visited a Diamond Drive resident’s deck.
1:17 p.m. Two scruffies chugged nugs across from the donut shop.
9:32 p.m. An injured opossum on South F Street had one paw in the grave, and an officer helped it complete its journey.
The drumming in Apt. 45
Compelled APD to arrive
And scope out the poundage
But they found no soundage
So folks just went on with their lives
In donutland’s festering alley
A saxophone let off a volley
Of brassily screeching
Till neighbs were beseeching
The cops, who made saxman not dally
• Wednesday, September 8 8:06 a.m. That bear, estimated at 6 feet, 8 inches tall and 400 pounds, really enjoys the Diamond Drive deck. The resident is terrified and can’t let his dog out any more. At one point the dog and the bear had a nose-to-nose standoff though the sliding glass door.
10:29 p.m. A man at a Uniontown supermarket was observed on video drinking a zesty bottle of alcohol and then eating some cake. All unpaid for, of course.
3:43 p.m. Someone went in to a Sunny Brae restaurant’s back room and took a computer monitor and hard drive. This took place during business hours, and no one noticed until later.
10:13 p.m. It was reported that an Iverson Avenue resident doesn’t even observe basic tradecraft any more in making blatant drug deals in and around his house.
• Thursday, September 9 11:28 p.m. A skunk frequents a Cropley Way backyard more than the owner is comfortable with.
• Friday, September 10 12:44 p.m. A crashed bicyclist in the Community Forest was located, extracted and taken to the hospital for treatment.
• Saturday, September 11 a.m. Protesters in staunch, unyielding opposition to something-or-other took their case to the Farmers’ Market, encumbering glee. They were asked to harsh up some other, less densely ebullient area.
5:54 p.m. A woman who went to the hospital for antibiotics said that she had been date raped the previous night. She declined treatment.
9:32 p.m. A citizen complained of loud music from “the house on the corner,” offering no more specifics than that.
• Sunday, September 12 4:56 a.m. A woman staggering home from the bars fell down, bumped her head and scratched her right pinky finger.
10:49 p.m. A car left on the Plaza had obscene words scratched into the paint. The owner suspected a former roommate.
• Monday, September 13 8:32 a.m. After her chickens were killed, an Irene Street woman complained about a loose dog whom she suspected. Police stood by as it was rounded up and secured.
2:40 p.m. A young man with half his head shaved and the other half with long hair was said to be selling prescription drugs on the Plaza. The caller said he is raising children in Arcata and isn’t happy with this kind of ambiguously hirsute riff-raff roaming around pitching pills.
4:55 p.m. A Grant Avenue resident reported the theft of two lawn chairs from her patio. Her mistake was allowing any unsecured property with any vestigial value whatsoever to be visible from the street and their unrelenting swarms of roaming slithy tove opportunivores.
7:34 p.m. Actually, it doesn’t really matter if the sticky-fingered legions can see your stuff or not. As long as its accessible, as in the case of an F Street resident and the $2,000 laptop computer she left in her unlocked bedroom, it may will be stolen.
• Tuesday, September 14 7:19 a.m. A Spear Avenue resident said he was punched in the head in his driveway and strong-armed of a TV, stereo equipment and a rifle.
9:03 a.m. Nutmeg the chicken-killing dog was out and on the loose again, and there was no indication that this was going to change. The county shelter took a new delivery.
10:32 a.m. A woman in a gigantic pickup truck just blazed down narrow, residential Buttermilk Lane, almost colliding with objects in her path and doing a great imitation of a drunken driver. Police located the massive menace-mobile along Tavern Row and contacted the driver, admonishing her for driving with such disregard for everyone else in the world.
4:15 p.m. As Arcata’s City Council candidates and police department tout the success of Measure G and the implementation of a Plaza officer, it’s worth noting that virtually any afternoon one might choose to traverse Arcata’s premiere downtown park, one will inevitably inhale stale secondhand cigarette smoke and have to weave around loose dogs and their mushy, log-like emissions, with no officer in sight.
7:33 p.m. Slouchabouts in front of a Plaza bar became bored with random milling about, and hatched an ingenious plan. The eight-crumbum squad stormed a peaceable Plaza tavern, took an 8-ball from the pool table and warded off challenges with intimations of fisticuffs impending.
11:19 p.m. A car with headlights on sat behind a Sunny Brae coffee house for hours, When contacted, occupants said they were using the java garage’s free Wi-Fi to do their homework.