Door-To-Door Magazine Salescrook Offers Speedy Pot Payment Plan – November 9, 2010

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

• Wednesday, October 6 12:13 a.m. This lonely hour was when one road dog’s luck ran out during a fateful visit to the donut shop. After savoring the succulence within, the grease-engorged traveler went back out to grab his backpack… which wasn’t there. He called police and managed to relate the basics, then the line went dead. The dispatcher tried to call his cell phone back, but couldn’t because, like his luck, his minutes had run down to nothing.

9:18 a.m. A downtown worker left her knitting back on the front seat of her car as she went to toil in a shop all day. When she returned, she found the window smashed and the purse-resembling bag gone. One can only wonder how the responsible slithy tove dealt with scoring a bunch of yarn instead of a bulging wallet.

9:50 a.m. A Valley West motel refused to return a lodger’s deposit because the room had been smoked in. Police were called and an officer went over and advised the arguers about civil remedies, as no crime had been committed. This didn’t satisy the motel manager, who had expected cops to verily smite down the bedamned room enstencher. She became verbally belligerent with the officer, notifying him that it was his job to side with her because after all, she had called the damn police in the first place.

10:46 a.m. A toddler enjoyed a bag of crackers at Eighth and H streets.

1:01 p.m. A woman said she was certain that her roommate was doing drugs. Why, just last night she threw some dishes down the stairs.

5:29 p.m. It’s kind of hard to fix dinner when some unpleasant person is in your house spouting gibberish. It turned out to be a family upheaval, and police wisely left the Bickersons to work out their own internecine squabbles.

7:06 p.m. A employee complained that his boss refused to pay him back “for something not work-related.”

• Thursday, October 7 11:34 a.m. A man in pajama bottoms sauntered into a Uniontown store, grabbed a bottle o’ booze and walked out, just like that.

12:46 p.m. A Valley West store where everything’s a dollar complained that a father was sending his kids in to steal things. He and they were subsequently banished for all eternity, cutting off a key source of injection-molded plasticrap from China.

1:13 p.m. Rather than just leave it somewhere, some people who were unable to care for a puppy called police to come pick it up by the “castle.”

2:13 p.m. An officer stood by as the Days Inn was served with a letter stating that it owes the City $60,000 in unpaid taxes. The good news is that the motel’s “Killer Smoke” barbecue restaurant is now open.

2:53 p.m. A man who had been in jail since Jan. 9 said that his aunt and girlfriend had gone to his home at the end of that month to retrieve his belongings, but found them gone. Missing was $4,000 to $5,000 of his treasures, mostly electronic items but also a safe full of gold jewelry. An officer couldn’t verify that any of this was true.

3:48 p.m. The world’s sketchiest door-to-door magazine salesman descended on Heather Lane. He talked his way into one woman’s house, and as she sat there fearing for her safety, he said that he sells magazines for payment in marijuana and methamphetamine, showing her samples of the contraband-currency. He then left, saying he would be “making rounds” in adjacent neighborhoods.

4:21 p.m. The world’s sketchiest would-be political candidate, and that’s saying something, knocked on a McCallum Court door saying that he was running in an election. The putative politician was dressed in a t-shirt and baseball cap.

5:06 p.m. The dopey, shaven-headed magazine salesman was located on North Street. He was told he needed a business license.

6:56 p.m. A goat on Boyd Road was so loosely tethered that it was able to wander out into the roadway.

•Saturday, October 9 12:47 a.m. The first of a number of gunshots was heard on Diamond Drive, then Heather Lane, then near Alliance Road and Spear Avenue.

2:45 a.m. Someone reported a yellow Jeep hitting a deer at Union Street and Community Park Way, where deer do oft prance. The injured-looking animal stagger-pranced away; the Jeepster got out and looked at the vehicle’s front end, then drove off.

12:29 p.m. A group of four orange-vested folk pulling a red wagon full of old-fashioned light bulbs went door to door at Third and F streets for a “light bulb exchange.” A resident told them to bring their bright idea back later.

3:07 p.m. Another suspicion-inducing magazine salescrook roved a Union Street apartment complex.

• Sunday, October 10 9:17 a.m. A South G Street business reported a burglary the previous night, with cash and various items taken. Footprints were spotted on the stairs, and the business complained that police hadn’t checked up there when the alarm went off the previous night.

9:40 a.m. Calling 911 and punching buttons on the phone sent someone in Westwood Court into a gleeful frenzy, with the dispatcher hearing keypad tones interspersed with laughter. On callback, a mom said her baby had been playing with the phone, no doubt adorably.

9:56 a.m. A large pool of blood was observed on the sidewalk on Sunset Avenue near Baldwin Street. Police interviewed nearby residents, but no one had heard any fight or other altercation that might have led to the corpuscular ponding.

3:36 p.m. A lower Beverly Drive resident complained that a neighbor was growing cannabis.

5:41 p.m. Just smoking dope and drinking by the car wash.

11:34 p.m. APD assisted the Sheriff’s Office with a gunshot victim out West End Road outside city limits.