Tutu’d Clown Fears For Grim Reaperess’s Safety – December 8, 2010

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

• Monday, November 1 1:19 a.m. A dumpster was set ablaze on L.K. Wood Boulevard, the fire spreading to its shed enclosure.

1:52 a.m. Some friends of a very drunk man behind a Uniontown shopping center assisted him, using an unconventional form of therapy – dragging an old mattress out of a dumpster and covering him with it, apparently to hide him. Instead, police and medical aid were summoned.

2:44 a.m. Drunks battled in front of a downtown donut shop. One was arrested.

2:54 a.m. A clown wearing a white ballet tutu became concerned for a female grim reaper walking alone and possibly being followed on Spear Avenue. Police found the solo soul she-collector safe with friends at their house.

9:50 a.m. A fake gun was found in an H Street trash can.

1:12 p.m. When someone tried to use an Aldergrove business’ credit card for a $276.89 purchase and was turned down by the bank, it opened up a can of tchochkes and lingerie. The business owner said the bank recorded other charges from Home Shopping Network and Victoria’s Secret, but not from the same person who’d been denied the charge.

1:43 p.m. The Fire Department received an e-mail message which commanded, “CEASE AND DESIST ALL CRIMINAL HARASSMENT STALKING AND TORTURE IMMEDIATELY.”

2:15 p.m. Someone called in from Haeger Avenue to report having heard a “popping” sound 10 minutes previous.

3:35 p.m. When a Sherri Court resident left his $1,000 pit bull puppy in the front yard while he went to the bathroom the previous night, a trick-or-treating family took it away.

3:49 p.m. A baggie was exchanged at 15th and H streets.

4:52 p.m. A eight-year-old fell down in Redwood Park, and may have broken his arm.

4:57 p.m. A female of unspecified age fell off a bike at Grant Avenue and Garnett Street, possibly due to a seizure.

5:35 p.m. After some kids went on a glass-breaking spree at Alliance Road and 27th Street, parents were called to the scene.

6:49 p.m. A woman at 10th and O streets said a man had pointed a gun at her and demanded her money or he would shoot her. She then heard a sound like a trigger being pulled, and just kept walking. The man was described as a twenty-something, slender with blond hair and a beard.

• Tuesday, November 2 12:05 a.m. An alcohol-empowered  tavern patron exhibited his intimidative prowess and singular dominion over all by ripping an extension cord from the wall. The fall from grace was swift as he was led from the scene in handcuffs with a public drunkenness charge.

8:20 a.m. A slightly overzealous Election Day campaigner was warned about his potential as a traffic hazard at the Samoa Boulevard and Union street roundabout.

9:31 a.m. A Charles Avenue resident complained of telephone and e-mail harassment. The alleged harasser said he’d knock it off.

9:40 a.m. A Karen Court resident complained that a stranger had used her yard as a bike library, leaving his bike and taking hers.

10:03 a.m. Some of the scruffsters who mill about the side of a Samoa Boulevard gas station mini-mart for hours on end may be of less than sterling character. There, a man’s green backpack and blue guitar case disappeared.

10:25 a.m. Another complaint about the sign wavers on the roundabout, this time with the allegation that traffic signs were being covered by campaign placards. Police didn’t find anything like that.

11:49 a.m. A tattoo-chested man ruined the enchanting ambiance of the water tank area of Redwood Park, harassing a passerby. He turned out to be a crazy person.

3:38 p.m. An argumentative man in a cowboy hat and Hawaiian shirt was reported at a 13th Street business. He said the woman has a “vendetta” against him. She said she doesn’t even know the guy.

4:17 a.m. Two road signs – one a stop sign and the other a City of Arcata sign – turned up in a C Street backyard.

5:47 p.m. A woman reported that her boyfriend was jumped by three men on Halloween. They hit him in the face and neck causing injuries, she said, but instead of going to the hospital, he went to New Mexico.

9:49 p.m. A car was reported going 10 mph on the freeway.

11:49 p.m.

A donut-zone sax player’s phrasings

Were reviewed as not quite so amazing

A phoned-in complaint

Made police urge restraint

And an end to the heck he’d been raising

• Thursday, November 4 1:03 a.m. A dumpster burst into flame behind the south wing of a Uniontown shopping center. It didn’t do this of its own will.

10:04 a.m. A sick baby raccoon managed to elude an officer with a catchpole on Olympia Street, even with its injured leg. It ran under another trailer and, since it didn’t look rabid, police gave up the chase.

11:20 a.m. A woman’s purse disappeared from a Plaza tavern, along with ID, $300 cash and a now-canceled credit card.

11:25 a.m. A candlestick which, in more amiable times, might have provided romantic mood lighting, was instead wielded as a cudgel of anti-romance against one of the partners, she said, bruising and cutting her left eye.

2:47 p.m. How the two youths were abusing their Skate Park privileges isn’t specified – no helmets, maybe, or bikes – but they both got a warning which firmed their resolve to never get caught again.

3:45 p.m. Free-ranging pooches again stirred up the tense, fragile armistice between multiple rival dogs on Beverly Drive. All doggies were secure when police arrived, owners of course nowhere to be found.

11:30 p.m. A Virginia Way resident received a text message that said, “I’m coming.”

• Thursday, November 5 2:24 a.m. An obnoxo-drunk call for service began, per routine, in the donut zone but then, in an unorthodox plot twist, migrated to a store on Samoa Boulevard. Officers denuded the feisty drinkard of his cell phone, iPod and a white oval pill. So ill-tempered was the schnockered specimen that additional officers were required so as to hobble him for transport to jail.

1:1:56 a.m. A Los Angeles resident named an Arcata person as using identity theft to bilk her of $700,000.

1:08 p.m. A working woman lives in constant fear that her heavily armed ex-boyfriend is going to kill her. He’s been to her workplace threatening her, and had a knife confiscated by an officer at one point. Another woman once associated with the guy is also experiencing the same terror.

3:14 p.m. A woman reported the back of her vehicle liberally slathered in peanut butter and a nail placed in her tire. An officer found no damage to the vehicle.

3:17 p.m. A woman detained at a store had, employees said, stolen $88 worth of “wellness products” but had $3,000 cash in her purse. She was banished from the store forevermore.

3:42 p.m. An exasperated mother told police she “can’t take any more” and wanted her daughter to go live with the father.

4:03 p.m. An ex-wife reported the former husband having paid a premature Halloween call at her home, offering a trick rather than a treat. Specifically, punching a hole in her front door.

4:57 p.m. A reported pill salesman on the Plaza turned out to be a run-of-the-mill drunk.

4:57 p.m. A dismissed employee texted her former workplace saying she was going to kill herself. The business called police, who contacted her. She said she had fired off the text out of anger, wasn’t going to harm herself and knew about all the various mental health assistance resources available.

8:28 p.m. A passenger side window was smashed and a purse stolen in the parking lot of a Janes Road hospital.

9:44 p.m. A man reported his partner threatening him and then cutting his left arm. The disturbed individual was taken to a mental health facility.

• Friday, November 6 1:54 a.m. An alleged mini-mart beer thief wore a distinctive garment readily differentiating him from the usual hoodie-ensconced specimen – a beige leather jacket with tassels.  The beige brewmeister snabbed his suds and jetted out the door, then northbound on Alliance Road. Tassels dancing merrily as he pranced toward the succor and safety of nearby Wyatt Lane, the suspect was swiftly located and arrested.

8:12 a.m. A man in a white hat and quasi-piratical sports jacket yelled at Valley West motel employees, at least once mentioning a gun. APD, UPD and the Sheriff’s Office responded. He was arrested on a disturbing the peace charge and his probation officer notified.

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One Response to “Tutu’d Clown Fears For Grim Reaperess’s Safety – December 8, 2010”

  1. Z-boy

    We are in the end times.

    #20394

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