Captain Underpants Closet-Spelunks New Restaurant Route – February 8, 2011
• Christmas 4:34 p.m. A bloody-faced drunk was taken to the hospital, but the staff couldn’t draw blood because he was “flexing.”
• Sunday, December 26 9:51 a.m. A woman with mental problems tried to make a life for herself next to the freeway off Seventh Street, but that was no life at all, and she was institutionalized.
• Monday, December 27 5:01 a.m. A man reported that his unlocked car had been slithy toved, and while he didn’t want to make an official police report about the loss of his CD case and change, he wanted APD to know for “statistical reasons.”
10:05 a.m. A mini-mob of two pit bulls rampaged on Spear Avenue.
12:12 p.m. A man who had previously alleged that his wife was ripping off his business wandered into a Valley West credit union even though he does his banking at a different institution downtown. He was described as “extremely paranoid and disoriented” with sores all over his face. He said he had photocopies of checks and he wanted the uninvolved business to do something about this. Police took him to a mental health facility.
• Tuesday, December 28 5:29 a.m. A man was asleep in his van in the 100 block of Samoa Boulevard when this skinny dude with a shaved head and baseball cap broke the passenger side window out. Startled at seeing the occupant, the suspect ran off, leaving his car there with the keys and a dog in it. Police searched for the Baldy Tove, didn’t find him and had his car towed and the dog pounded. So that worked out pretty well for him.
2:02 p.m. A woman called from Hallen Drive complaining about her milk. It had upset her stomach, she said, and she suspected that it had been poisoned. A responding officer asked her whether she had gotten medical care, but she refused to answer questions and told the officer to go away.
2:14 p.m. After not bothering to record the serial number, a Heather Lane resident left his $700 yellow Kona Lava Dome bicycle unlocked on his porch overnight.
• Thursday, December 30 11:05 a.m. Gas was siphoned from vehicles on Fifth Street.
11:26 a.m. Mail was removed from a box, opened and mined for fungibles, then thrown on the ground at an F Street home. The resident said he’d heard noises the previous night, and suspected that someone had entered his home and stolen the housekey.
12:44 p.m. The latest episode in a Union Street neighbor dispute involved one apartment dweller knocking over the next-door person’s porch plants, then barging into his place and telling the person not to use the telephone.
4:20 p.m. You could call 4:20 the witching hour, and for many it is all the excuse for celebration required. But for a traveler sitting on a bench at the Marsh, it was the bitching hour as he sat there roundly excoriating no one in particular. An officer admonished him to settle down and not further intimidate the waterfowl, who are blameless as far as is known.
• New Year’s Eve 3:39 a.m. Courtyard Circle was enlivened by a locked-out male half, yelling and pounding on the front door per a post-argument scenario.
10:38 a.m. When a man stripped parts off a locked bike at the free-form feral surrounds of the Transit Center, his focus on his daylight labors distracted him from the all-seeing video security cameras looming nearby. Today’s dashing slithy tove, a non-girl, was last seen slipping from the scene on a girl’s bike in standard-issue rig of gray hoodie and baseball cap. Police immediately located a close replica of the freelance parts collector at Ninth and H, then positively matched and arrested him. The bike owner was out of town, having left the now-dismantled bike at the bus station.
11:04 a.m. Mail is being systematically sundered on Diamond Drive.
1:39 p.m. A convenience-minded patron at a G Street bank utilized a handicapped spot for a higher purpose – sitting in the car and occupying the spot nearest the building. Asked by a differently-abled person to move, the spot-squatter held her or his ground. But when an officer arrived, the person was gone.
2:41 p.m. A video shop reported the theft of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
4:40 p.m. A mini-light show lit up U.S. Highway 101 at Samoa Boulevard. First a driver flicked a cigarette into some brush, starting a fire, then sparks and flame spurted put of a green Chevy Suburban.
• January 1, 2011 12:21 a.m. New Year’s celebrants heralded 2011’s arrival in traditional fashion, with punches to the face, inconclusive scuffles and small splatters of bodily fluids deposited along Tavern Row.
A Plazaland mammoth drum circle
With help from some pert Purple Nurple
And other sweet strains
Entranced nearby brains
Cops didn’t attempt a reversal
3:47 a.m. A man found himself locked inside a Northtown restaurant in his underwear, and couldn’t figure out how he had gotten there. An neighbor heard his cries for help and called police. Police determined that he had crawled in there through a hole in an adjacent residence’s closet, and extracted him via the same route. Damage to the restaurant’s bathroom wall was to be negotiated by the business and Captain Underpants.
11:50 a.m. A man at a Uniontown bus stop was said to have exposed his disgusty-bits at a passing woman, but police determined that he had been going potty and the hideous display was just collateral damage.
1:51 p.m. A man in a blue overcoat lurched southbound down H Street carrying a garbage bag, top-volume profanities issuing from a moist opening in the fuzzy miasma of facial hair.
4 p.m. The guest in Room 237 in a Valley West motel was supposed to have checked out at noon, but alcohol obliterated that deadline. Found drunk-defuncted on the bed, police arrested him.
• Sunday, January 2 11:07 a.m. A volcanically outspoken man with long brown hair sat at 17th Street and Alliance Road, sparing no profanity in loudly relating to passing vehicles just what he thought from them, which wasn’t much. Police counseled him about the swearing, but as soon as they left he erupted again. An officer went back, but by then the blithering bloviator had begone.
1:33 p.m. Someone came to the police station stating that a big rental truck which had just come from a Trinidad grow house was now in Arcata, backed up to a house on 11th Street between D and E streets (except that there aren’t any houses there; it’s the freeway overpass). APD contacted the Sheriff’s Office to find out if there were any officer safety issues with regard to the suspects, then went and found the reported vehicle. An investigation was conducted, but apparently there were no arrests or immediate enforcement action.
• Monday, January 3 3:46 p.m. A patron at a Plaza tavern reported people using heroin and selling it out back, with the employees doing nothing about it.
4:39 p.m. A caller reported shopping cars “parked” in front of a Spruce Way residence, with the denizens inside dealing drugs. The caller wanted the store that owned the carts to come and pick them up.
5:30 p.m. More druggy doings on Spruce Way, surmised one observer, with sketchymobiles coming and going and exchanges of something going on.
• Saturday, January 8 12:16 a.m. Three suspects were arrested at Foster Avenue and Alliance Road after a vehicle search turned up a weapon with the serial number filed off.
12:30 a.m. A Cropley Way resident was alarmed to look out the window and see two freaks fully aflap with physical frippery – whether fighting or frolicking wasn’t clear – just “flailing,” in the witness’s words.
12:04 p.m. Anything more than one dog constitutes a pack, at least insofar as certain dogs are concerned. Like the pit bulls that slaughtered George the cat in Patrick Court this day.
2:23 p.m. Individuals previously identified as laundromat troublemakers seemed intent on making a career of the low-yield grift. This involved bilking the owner of a few bucks is quarters supposedly lost to a defective washing machine. And now they were back again, the proprietor said. The dispatcher took the report, but when an officer was available to call back, the laundromat guy’s voice mailbox was full.
3:53 p.m. A woman feeling menaced called from a Westwood Center business’s restroom about the free-range pervdiatrist previously known to haunt Alliance Road. This is a young man in his 20s with black hoodie and jeans who aggressively solicits women, offering them foot rubs. Police found the foot fancier nearby and admonished him.