Waddling Frenetically – June 15, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

• Monday, May 9 8:27 a.m. A Spruce Way resident complained that a neighbor is using cameras and “other surveillance equipment” to spy on neighbors. Told the actions aren’t illegal, the caller hung up before more details could be obtained.

9:31 a.m. A beer bottle was found hurled through a window at the Old Creamery sometime over the weekend.

11:33 a.m. Cancel the ambulance; call the coroner.

7:04 p.m. The cannabis and cigarette smog generated inside a Samoa Boulevard business is sufficiently dense to penetrate the walls and pollute neighboring workspaces. A complainant was told that the cigs are legal and the cannabis could be.

8:28 p.m. When a three-year-old went missing on Diamond Drive, six to eight citizens mobilized to search for the child as APD and UPD responded. The tot was found napping under a chair by the kitchen table.

10:16 p.m. A gray Nissan Murano sat unoccupied and idling at 10th and K streets since 8 p.m.

• Tuesday, May 10 11:35 a.m. A person was reported standing on K Street pointing what looked like a radar gun at passing vehicles.

12:15 p.m. “Stop! Stop! That hurts! Let go of me!” cried a female voice somewhere in Stewart Court. But try as they might, police could not locate the source of the screams.

1:26 a.m. A mother asked about the legalities of leaving her 12-year-old son alone at home for a couple of hours in the afternoons, what with the rising cost of childcare.

4:10 p.m. A man wearing a jacket but no shirt outside an 18th Street building couldn’t exactly stand all that well, but he could yell, and oh how he practiced that ability. Also remaining among his diminished armamentarium of motor control wizardry was the ability to pee on things, a skill he then exercised on the nearest building.

5:10 p.m. A man who had purchased a single gallon of petrol at a J Street gas station checked his bank balance online an hour or so later, and found that he had been charged $100.

5:43 p.m. A father who had been restraining ordered showed up at a sporting event his son was participating in. The mother said she would photograph the man and tell him to leave. He refused to do so, so she rustled up the relevant paperwork for police.

6:27 p.m. A man locked himself in an H Street apartment complex’s laundry room and began systematically “going through” people’s clothes, eww. Police found him drunk and arrested him.

11:53 p.m. At the same complex, there were like 40 people drinking, partying and being loud in the lower parking lot. Police went to the apartment at which the party was based and found the lights turned off and people hiding in bedrooms with the doors locked. Their well-being in question, officers had to make contact and knocked several times, eliciting no response. The resident said that since the door was already broken, officers could go ahead and kick it in. They did and found no one inside the bedroom. Then the resident demanded the officers’ badge numbers, saying APD and UPD had to pay for the door.

• Wednesday, May 11 12:32 a.m. An upper H Street resident couldn’t help but notice the unusual activity in her yard – a young woman who went into her shed, and a young man on the roof of her kitchen porch and the shed roof. The resident chased them out of her yard.

3:38 p.m. Two neighbors have a turbulent relationship marked by alleged sexual misconduct, violence and timely yard maintenance. As a man mowed his neighbor’s lawn, the neighbor offered effusive appreciation by shouting, “It’s about time you get to that job.” After the neighbor went inside, the lawn mower heard him tell someone that the lawn mower had “exposed himself,” which is untrue. He also heard the neighbor say, “I would like to kick him…” The last word in that sentence was either “dead” or “head,” he couldn’t tell which.

4:44 p.m. A man said he received a text message from his daughter indicating that she was in danger. The Sheriff’s Office was to check in on the McKinleyville resident.

5:15 p.m. A mother who was out of the country reported that her daughter had called her saying she didn’t feel safe at home because her father was angry and threatening. Police checked on her and found her safe.

7:24 p.m. A man attempting to buy a 16-ounce can of Busch Bavarian Beer (which is “aged slow-cold”) at an I Street cooperative supermarket didn’t have quite enough money squirreled away in the recesses of his fragrant camouflage vest to consummate the purchase. This might have been a dealbreaker for a lesser beer aficionado, but not him – he threw his insufficient coin down on the counter and stalked out, thereby forfeiting his right to ever enter the store again.

10:31 p.m. Another army-jacketed rugged individualist at Ninth and G streets was deemed too stumbly-drunk to roam the streets safely. He was arrested on a drunkenness charge and his shoulder-bag of clothes held for safekeeping.

• Thursday, May 12 2:33 a.m. A stout fellow in a black baseball cap absconded with a 24-pack of Coors (“The Best of the Rockies”) from a Uniontown supermarket, then waddled frenetically up and over the freeway overpass, then down the trail to D Street. Alas, he had to jettison the prized thirst-slakers on the side of the road to help gain whatever velocity he might by streamlining his wind- and waddle-load profile.

7:57 a.m. A father reported that his daughter said  that his son had texted her that he was going to shoot a member of the family. Contacted on Blakeslee Avenue, the son said that he had never sent a message like that and that the father was a liar.

3:22 p.m. An elementary school student who stole his teacher’s costly smartphone was caught and counseled.

7:29 p.m. A dreadlocked man wearing a beanie punched a car in the left rear quarter panel, denting it.