Baseball Cap-Empowered Bystanders Offer High-Decibel Character Assessments – August 30, 2011
• Thursday, July 21 2:13 p.m. A bicyclist punched a truck on G Street in what was described as a road rage situation.
2:58 p.m. After a complaint about a man “trying to bum drugs” in Redwood Park, police went and cited a guy for unspecified dickishness.
5:48 p.m. A woman left her wallet in a friend’s car, and the friend assured her that it was safe. But now she couldn’t reach this so-called friend, and a flurry of harassing text messages between the two wasn’t exactly advancing the cause of world peace.
• Saturday, July 23 5:47 a.m. A couple of drunks amused themselves by standing on newspaper racks outside a Valley West restaurant and removing light bulbs from overhead fixtures. Police found them wandering near a motel across the street, and arrested them.
6:32 a.m. A singularly unimaginative text message from a man to his ex proclaimed, “You are going to be sorry.” Thing is, she probably was already.
11:18 a.m. Generally speaking, people go to the Marsh to enjoy its natural views and wildlife, not to see some graybeard geezer taking a dump in the weeds. Police found him near the Breakfast Club’s old haunt and arrested him on warrants.
8:06 p.m. An 11th Street resident heard a noise on his porch. When he opened the front door, a teenager was standing there, but not for long, as the teen scampered on sight. The resident noticed several other lads in the area on skateboards and scooters, and surmised that they were trying to steal his kids’ toys off the porch. Police found a cluster of boys and warned them against teen intrigue.
8:28 p.m. A woman flagged down an officer and told of a purse snatching. The officer found the suspect and arrested him on a warrant.
• Sunday, July 24 3:09 a.m. Donut shop tensions again boiled over like a neglected deep fryer overloaded with bubbling pastry goodness. A free-range intellectual whose vast cranial resources were encased in a sideways baseball cap had forwarded the insta-thesis that this one guy’s girlfriend was a “bitch.” When her boyfriend disputed this tawdry assessment, the foul-mouthed philosopher smacked him upside the head a couple of times – a logical fallacy, since interpersonal violence between these individuals has no bearing on her quintessential bitchiness or lack thereof.
11:02 a.m. A traveler in a beanie cap snabbed a tip jar from a 13th Street bakery counter and zoomed out the door.
12:50 p.m. A woman got a text message on her phone from someone she didn’t know who talked about breaking into a safe.
4:55 p.m. Alfred’s dogs generated a complaint at 17th and G streets. He was told he could be ticketed if more complaints came in, and he said he was leaving for the day.
6:54 p.m. A man with four aliases was arrested on a drunkenness charge at Ninth and J streets.
8:56 p.m. A car was reported driving at the astonishing velocity of 90 mph in the 200 block of Beverly Drive. An alert was broadcast to patrol units.
10:14 p.m. Screaming and a fight on Marilyn Avenue was traced to the earlier-reported speeding car, which was now parked blocking someone’s driveway. No one was sober enough to come out of the house and give police a car key so they could move the obstructomobile, so a tow truck was called and charged with moving the car “by any means necessary.” A brief glimmer of hope arose when someone from the house of drunks threw a key out to the police, but as fate would have it, it was a housekey.
• Monday, July 25 12:42 a.m. A young man carrying a gas can and hose was reported siphoning gas out of cars on Valley East Avenue. Police arrived and the petrol pirate fled, leaving behind the gas can and a shoe.
2:05 a.m. A slithy tove was spotted going car to car trying door handles on Union Street. Police found and detained two lads nearby, calling mommy to pick one of them up. A case was initiated for possession of stolen property.
5:47 a.m. The bear messed with garbage cans on Tanglewood Road.
9:45 a.m. A Giuntoli Lane business reported someone rearranging stickers on its front window, with security video of the incident available.
10:35 a.m. A woman reported restraining order violations in the form of phone calls promising to “show her what hurt really feels like.”
11:59 a.m.–12:17 p.m. A staggering drinker and several doke smopers were reported in an H Street alley.
12:40 p.m. A man left two backpacks full of $400 worth of stuff in the backseat of his car on 14th Street. They and the rear passenger-side window were gone by morning.
12:58 p.m. A Plaza business reported a former manager having embezzled some $30,000 to $50,000.
1 p.m. Someone known as “Mumbles” pretended to have a seizure out front of a Plaza bar. After histrionically falling down on the sidewalk, he got up laughing.
3:54 p.m. A man whose nose was broken in a fight had been told to notify police if he saw the schnozbuster again. Well there the guy was at a Plaza tav, selling pot.
4:09 p.m. Even out on far Ericson Way, if you leave your car unlocked, a slithy tove will take advantage of the access and steal your car registration, proof of insurance and $20 in random doodads from the center console.
4:51–6:14 p.m. Kids stole mail out of mailboxes and tore it up on Susan and 27th streets.
• Tuesday, July 26 9:08 a.m. A teenage feud took its toll on a fast food restaurant when three girls showed up to call an employee names. The manager told them to leave, even though they had ordered food before undertaking the name-calling campaign. This seemed only to steel their determination to antagonize the girl, when she went out to her car to leave, her tormentors were waiting for her and things got shovey-threateny. The victim is seeking a restraining order.
12:13 p.m. While making a scene at a Northtown mini-mart, a free-lance dramatist knocked a bunch of stuff off the sales counter. The committer of counter contretemps was banished forevermore from the store.
1 p.m. A dog owner was warned not to pooch upon the Plaza.
3:56 p.m. A Margaret Lane resident reported finding a box containing two cats out on the Arcata Bottom.
8:59 p.m. As if there wasn’t enough strife in the world, something known only as “Mike” was reported trying to pick fights on Tavern Row.
• Wednesday, July 27 12:16 a.m. His lust for violence unsated, Mike (or possibly his scheming lookalike) attempted to initiate further strife in front of a Plaza liquor store.
3:42 p.m. A Larry Street house was burgled of a laptop computer.
• Thursday, July 28 10:41 a.m. A purse and other items left in a car at Anina Way and Wilson Street were smash and grabbed, the owner losing $1,000 in property.
10:53 a.m. leaving the keys in the mailbox of a vacant 12th Street home made it easy for a traveler to enter and semi-live there.
7:13 p.m. A man was seen naked in the bushes at Samoa Boulevard and V Street, where he had apparently set up a camp.
8:02 p.m. An allegation of child abuse turned out to be a case of diaper rash.
• Friday, July 29 11:49 a.m. A woman wearing a baseball cap started yowling racial epithets at students on the Plaza whom she assumed were Muslim, apparently on grounds that they weren’t model citizens just like her. Screechy McBallcap was warned.
12:38 p.m. A woman at a Seventh Street Indian restaurant yelled at customers there, then directed her bellowing at a woman at a nearby flooring business who was committing the unforgivable act of getting into her car.
8:47 p.m. After a motorcycle accident on SR299, the Trinity County Coroner’s Office requested APD assistance with notifications of next of kin. Officers conveyed the news to the victim’s wife, then accompanied her to various locations to notify others.
9:20 p.m. Campers at Vaissade Road and V Street started yelling up the place.
• Saturday, July 30 11:17 a.m. When a woman asked that a man move his car out of her driveway, he responded that he would “kill her ass,” which didn’t seem to resolve the vehicular obstruction very effectively.
1:04 p.m. A donut shop customer was approached by two men who offered to sell “capsules.”
1:28 p.m. Someone grabbed someone else’s pinkie finger at a Ninth Street service center and wrenched it, possibly breaking the person’s hand.
10 p.m. A Lynn Street resident confronted a large black bear in his backyard, at which point Yogi galumphed down the hill.
• Sunday, July 31 3:52 a.m. Someone reported the phrase “Fuck the police” being written in wet cement on Valley East Boulevard. A resident explained that children had scrawled the epithet “out of boredom,” but it was just impermanent sidewalk chalk.