Bungee-Bound Argument Service’s Slacker Staff Snoozes In Street – August 9, 2011
By Abigail Lovelace and Kevin L. Hoover
• Saturday, July 2 1:08 p.m. A tipsy-sounding man called 911 saying that he had just bought his wife a new car. She works at a county agency, and he said the 911 dispatcher needed to tell her to go to the car dealership to pick up her car when she arrives for work. He was told to contact her place of employment rather than 911.
5:57 p.m. A Diamond Drive resident noticed people sleeping in a car by his mailbox, the vehicle’s trunk held shut with a confidence-inspiring bungee cord. The resident lodged an inquiry as to their sleeping habits, earning a harsh rebuke, as though the streetside slumberers were operating a mobile argument service. They left, but afterward the resident thought back to a few days earlier, when a different sleazemobile had been seen loitering in the area, and wondered whether area houses were being cased for burglary.
7:49 p.m. A beige and white bag of kittens was reported on the side of the road near Redwood park. Police couldn’t find it.
• Sunday, July 3 12:26 a.m. Though their excitement over the country’s anniversary is sweet, they might have wanted to double-check the calendar before setting off all those fireworks on Eighth Street.
2:12 a.m. An intoxicated individual banged his head repeatedly against a local volunteer fire department’s walls. He was taken to the hospital.
10:09 a.m. A fire blazed merrily along the trail by south G Street.
11:13 a.m. “Someone needs to debrief the President!” a man demanded. He was advised to only call 911 in a real emergency from now on.
11:25 a.m. Slithy toves burgled their way through the morning, starting with a car on Stewart.
1:55 p.m. A trash can smoked on Ninth Street and extinguished.
8:23 p.m. Someone yelled at a woman on L.K. Wood Boulevard, then, when the woman tried to get away, attempted to get in the car with her, still yelling. Apparently there is an ongoing argument between them. The caller was advised to fill out a report.
10:22 p.m. A supposedly empty apartment thudded with music on L.K. Wood Boulevard. Police found all quiet on arrival, though there was a suspicious amount of furniture inside for an uninhabited space.
10:59 p.m. Early fireworks again, this time at the trailer park.
• Monday, July 4 11:51 a.m. A slightly wobbly man lay down for a little nap on Seventh and I streets. He was asked to move along.
12:59 p.m. Baseball and lazy parking enthusiasts left their car in a loading zone while they attended a Crabs game. They agreed to move the vehicle.
2:22 p.m. A woman asked police to check in on her husband, as she hasn’t been able to contact him since he texted her saying he was ill. The man was taken to the hospital.
3:33 p.m. A dog frolicked on Old Arcata Road, then vanished.
3:54 p.m. Fireworks crackled on Lorelei.
5:37 p.m. A group of teenage boys set off fireworks in the parking lot of a jewelry factory and appeared to be making a pipe bomb at the same time. When the caller approached them, they ran off, but she managed to take the thing they were building.
5:58 p.m. Unable to contain their desire to watch things explode, the boys had moved behind a Mexican market and were lighting fireworks there instead. Police made them clean up their messes before turning them over to their parents.
7:05 p.m. Fireworks on G street.
7:49 p.m. And also on Hallen.
9:32 p.m. And…you know what? I don’t think people knew it was the Fourth of July.
10:17 p.m. Otherwise, they might not have complained so much.
A Plaza hang-outer was plinking
On bongos, near places where drinking
Is job number one
But as for hand drums
Cops came to compel a re-thinking
• Tuesday, July 5 1:55 a.m. A large bonfire erupted in a 15th street backyard, with melting plastic sending waves of carcinogenic smoke into the air. The fire department was notified.
2:52 a.m. Common sense snapped, neurons crackled, and a beer or four had undoubtedly been popped open as someone made their swervy, motorized way home. Police caught up with them and issued a DUI.
5:18 a.m. A car was broken into and its contents, including a backpack, a laptop and a passport, stolen on Union street.
6:45 a.m. A belt full of harmonicas was reported stolen from the Plaza the day before, along with about five other instruments, but upon recontacting the caller, he had discovered he had just misplaced them.
11:47 a.m. A woman reported suspicious amounts of people at her neighbor’s house, and frequent loud parties. She believes the people are involved in something unseemly at the residence.
Noon A guest at a Valley West motel somehow became pinned between the wall and the toilet in his bathroom. He was extracted from the commode with the help of the fire department.
1:29 p.m. Dogs ran amok on Beverly Drive, including a Great Dane and a German shepherd.
T’was burglary, when slithy toves
Stole keys and wallet from a car on K
A Victoria’s Secret bag, also
…Wait, no, they’re just misplaced.
10:14 p.m. Something “tinkled” suspiciously on A Street, but police couldn’t locate anything that would have that particular sound.
11:01 p.m. An angry man in light-colored clothing called the police department from its own phone twice in as many minutes, apparently outraged over something. And then he was gone.
• Wednesday, July 6 1:24 a.m. A woman got up to turn off the heat in her apartment and found a strange man standing in her living room. He appeared to be on something, and she suspected he had meant to go into another apartment. She asked for an extra officer to patrol the building, anyway, as she believed some of her stuff was missing.
6:20 a.m. A caller reported two men, one with dreadlocks and the other with a blue plaid shirt, talking about having killed a Sonoma cop. Police located them and determined the caller had misheard.
6:22 a.m. Unknown entities crept up to a Diamond Drive residence and scuttled off with their new mailbox.
9:14 a.m. A man suffered chest pains on the Plaza, and an ambulance was summoned.
2:44 p.m. A woman fussed and fumed at shoppers in a Samoa store, but was gone upon police arrival.
2:52 p.m. A woman called to report that she hasn’t been able to reach her mother since the end of June. Her mother is 72 years old and lives alone, and it’s extremely unusual that they haven’t been in contact. Police did not receive a response at her door and St. Joe’s said she wasn’t currently a patient there. The daughter agreed to contact the police again if further assistance is needed.
4:04 p.m. Someone superglued all the locks on an F street restaurant.
5:46 p.m. A man at the Transit Center wasn’t having the easiest time detoxing and asked the police to come quickly or he would get beaten. He was transported to the hospital.
• Thursday, July 7 1:14 a.m. The red-sweatered man claiming to be “security” in front of Safeway wasn’t making many friends, what with yelling “You want to face me?” at innocent parking-lot traversers. He agreed to leave the property.
6:54 a.m. Stop poking me.
9:17 a.m. A possibly rabid skunk was seen on 12th Street, but disappeared before anyone could catch it.
12:37 p.m. A woman called saying her brother-in-law had e-mailed her saying he was in Cypress, Calif. and asking her to wire $3,000 in Euros via Western Union. She was advised to change her e-mail address or contact her provider.
1:32 p.m. More superglued locks, this time on an Eighth Street café.
6:02 p.m. A man brought an injured hawk into the police station, but it died before the Wildlife Care Center could respond.
9:20 p.m. A bearded man in a dark blue sweatshirt argued loudly with passersby, then threw a trashcan at someone’s vehicle. He was gone upon arrival.
10:23 p.m. The Old Creamery blared light and music across the night, until police came and asked the partygoers to turn it down.
• Friday, July 8 2:45 a.m. A clearly intoxicated man in a plaid shirt and baseball cap became embroiled in a deep, bitter conflict with himself, which took the form of pacing aimlessly along Highway 101 until his sudden trip to a nice pink building.
1:06 p.m. A house on Janes Road echoed with female screams, until a man came outside with a crying woman in a headlock. They got in the man’s car and drove off for a short while. The caller feared the woman was being held against her will.
2:30 p.m. A car swerved recklessly across Anderson Road.
3:01 p.m. A man with a thick accent called an Arcata resident claiming that for a $250 processing fee, the man could wire him $7,000. Again, Western Union was involved.
8:33 p.m. A man in a white T-shirt and blue jeans tried to buy alcohol at Wildberries, but was already too sloshed for the business to justify it. When the clerk refused to sell him the booze, he staggered out to his bicycle and fell over when he tried to ride away. He was arrested.
10:43 p.m. Kids ran amok around the neighborhood of the Arcata Veterans’ Hall, where a dance was going on. The chaperones at the dance agreed to keep the kids inside.
• Saturday, July 9 12:48 a.m. A loud party left both attendees and their cars muddling up Grant Avenue. A warning notice was given.
1:42 a.m. A dog yapped doggily in a Valley West trailer park.
2:36 a.m. A blond man with red eyes and a blue shirt staggered around a store on Giuntoli Lane before getting in his car and driving off. CHP was unable to locate him.
7:44 a.m. Unknown forces combined to take revenge on an area car, smashing its window.
10:31 a.m. A man in a blue t-shirt and Levis encouraged environmentally-friendly methods of travel by throwing bicycles at people and yelling. Police couldn’t locate him.
11:28 a.m. A man with a red bandana around his neck and a white shirt on his head decided to pass the morning hours by first rolling on the ground, then getting up and jumping about out on Valley East Boulevard. Police contacted him and told him to stop.
7:18 p.m. A man’s hernia surgery blew out and an ambulance was called.
7:43 p.m. Rifle shots were heard on Greenbriar, with no known source. Police checked the area and found nothing.
10:33 p.m. Two men, one Mohawked, the other in a black jacket, did a drink ’n’ dash at a no-excuses Plaza tavern, leaving $6.43 worth of drinks on their tab.
• Sunday, July 10 2:42 p.m. A woman behind a bar appeared to have been punched in the face several times.
6:15 a.m. A large gray dog aggressively defended his human’s truck until he was taken to the shelter.
12:58 p.m. Four individuals in blue sweaters threatened to stab someone, then got into a green Honda Civic and drove off. One of them, a blonde woman, may have been a parolee from Oregon.
3:41 p.m. Two subjects cracked open a couple of beers at the Marsh, then got into their minivan and drove away. The driving one was arrested.
4:43 p.m. A fight at a Northtown market left one man on the ground and another in a red vehicle. Still another squabbler, in the obligatory camo pants and a leather jacket, had already left. A police search proved fruitless.
9:27 p.m. Something smelled burny at a Seventh Street business. A smoke bomb was retrieved from the elevator.
11:09 p.m. It’s a little late to be setting off fireworks, don’t you think?
• Monday, July 11 3:51 a.m. The clink of handcuffs echoed through the fragrant, donut-perfumed air as someone was taken in on a parole violation.
3:53 a.m. A bear lolloped through a Chapman street backyard.
8:59 a.m. A panic alarm erroneously went off at a Valley West health care center.
9:24 a.m. A man in a chemical-induced plane of consciousness talked to himself inside a park Port-A-Potty before shuffling off to parts unknown.
12:31 p.m. A man had a heart attack in a Community Park health club.
2:46 p.m. Someone was bitten by a cat on Zehndner Avenue, then disappeared after calling from a local health clinic.