Whose Driver’s License Is This And Why Is It In My Bed? – September 10, 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

• Friday, August 5 12:32 p.m. Streetside schlubs sought succor in a downtown alley, the better to suck down some lunchtime THC. Two minutes and 44 seconds after someone complained, the sitabouts were scattered.

2:39 p.m. A man called from a bar bathroom, saying he was having an allergic reaction. This set police off on a toilet tour of Tavern Row, starting at the east end and working west. They first checked the Sidelines’ ’throom, then the Alibi’s, then Toby & Jack’s. That’s where they found the caller, but after all that he declined an ambulance.

4:26 p.m. A man said that the previous night he left his green camouflage backpack and $400 in contents leaning against a lamp post across from a bar on the Plaza. When he came back a while later, no backpacks remained to obtrude on the view of swarming, groundscore-seeking slithy toves.

• Saturday, August 6 2:08 a.m. A dainty soirée in a low-expectations Valley West motel included one celebrant who broadcast his intention to kill a woman’s dogs for all to enjoy. Police went to the room, but no one would answer the door.

3:01 a.m. The motel shindig migrated out into the street for a brief time, where the party manimal kicked his dogs, struck his girlfriend and said he was going to kill people. Police went and arrested him for disturbing the momentary break between chump-ass hissyspats that passes for peace in that imbroglio-riddled sector.

10:43 a.m. For the second time in a week, a 13th Street bakery’s tip jar barely escaped the slimy clutches of a slithering slithy tove.

10:56 a.m. A vehicle-struck, half-dead deer lay in the roadway on the northbound onramp to U.S. Highway 101 at Samoa Boulevard. The CHP completed its journey to merge with the infinite.

9:27 p.m. A man enlisted to babysit a young girl at a Samoa Boulevard apartment used the occasion to invite over five other guys, who partied loudly and made neeighbors worried for the kid’s well-being until police came, and the burly boyos were kicked out in disgrace.

• Monday, August 8 2:48 a.m. After a report of an attempted robbery, police tracked down and arrested a suspect in an alley.

5:01 a.m. A man in a gray hoodie was reported trying to kick in a door at a building associated with the Bayside Grange. Police tracked down a gray-sweatshirted man down the road, and arrested him.

7:17 a.m. How many car door handles did the slithy tove on Hilfiker Avenue try before he found the unlocked car containing an iPod, stun gun and mace?

8:36 a.m. An A Street resident reported the theft of her trash can and rabbit. Police soon located the rabbit.

8:53 a.m. A skunk with a plastic cup over its head was seen skittering into the roadway at 11th Street and Janes Road.

9:18 a.m. A store reported a cleaning service employee helping himself to a beverage from the cooler, with the pluckage caught on video.

3:39 p.m. South G Street resident reported her nondescript pink beach cruiser bike and leopard print wooden basket stolen from her yard, where, for slithy tove shopping convenience, the gate doesn’t lock.

4:30 p.m. Still more stuff stolen, this time an $800 compressor and a yellow power box from an H Street construction site.

5:10 p.m. A man in camouflage pants kept going into a veterinary business asking about an animal that doesn’t belong to him.

• Tuesday, August 9 2:30 a.m. A wee-hour boyfriend/girlfriend argument went physical, and the bite marks on him were enough for police to arrest her on suspicion of spousal abuse.

11:27 p.m. Where or where might the next big grow house bust be? Oh, maybe at the Fickle Hill Road residence where neighbors watched the residents humping lights and hoods and soil and suchlike into the place to raise their tomatoes or whatever. Now the place is on APD Special Services’s radar.

12:54 p.m. A woman and her two female roommates live in one side of a duplex, the other half of which is occupied by six dudes. When the woman returned home after being away all summer, she discovered that the menfolk had removed the doorknob from the shared door between the two residences. Worse, they had apparently been using the women’s residence as their summer home, using it to commit unthinkable acts of maleness with their girly stuff. For one thing, the woman found some other female’s driver’s license in her bed. Plus her pillow was missing.

4:39 p.m. A man who noticed a woman driving at incredible velocity through his Sunny Brae neighborhood saw her at the local hardware store and confronted her about the speeding. She blew it off, uninterested in his slowdown requests, and this upset him.

7:10 p.m. A man and woman were heard arguing in the densely wooded traveler camp at Foster and Q streets.

• Wednesday, August 10 10:13 a.m. A bear on Greenbriar Lane was surprised to be found rooting around behind a guy’s garage.

9:49 a.m. Another citation issued for dogging on the Plaza.

2:20 p.m. A man said someone went through his unlocked vehicle in the 1600 block of G treet and stole his vehicle registration and insurance card. This, he believed, was retaliation for his calling in a complaint against someone, and he added that the suspected thief laughed at him this day.

4:46 p.m. A woman said she had been evicted from her apartment through no fault of her own, but because of this guy who keeps coming back there despite her warning him away. While she was away, he broke in and somehow punched holes in the bathroom door, and even tried to hide a bike he had stolen from a neighbor in her yard.