Drivers Surrender Wallets, Cash, Computers To Avoid Excruciating Pressing Of Car Door Lock Button – October 4, 2011

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

• Thursday, August 25 4:30 p.m. A woman received a series of a half-dozen or so “stalkerish” notes from someone unknown, left on her car both at home and on a school campus. The notes mentioned her ex-boyfriend.

• Friday, August 26 4:05 p.m. A bloodied man was reported at a Valley West restaurant. An officer found him covered in dried blackberries and on his way to Eureka.

• Saturday, August 27 1:24 a.m. A blind person reported a car out front of his house being started, turned off and restarted repeatedly for several minutes.

4:12 a.m. Raymond Eacret, fresh out of prison, is the stubby-bearded suspect in the robbery of an Alliance Road mini-mart that took place at this moment.

Noon For a year or so, an 11th Street resident has been watching the neighbs hump contractor bags full of some sort of skunky-smelling vegetation out to their vehicles from time to time.

11:13 p.m. Apartment 178 at a Union Street apartment complex which not infrequently hosts incidents of multi-vultural perversity did so again, and offered prime fodder for a country-western lament should anyone wish to compose one: loud, loud music, a man yelling and a woman crying.

• Sunday, August 28 2:10 a.m. A man walked back and forth near 12th and Q streets, jabbering on his cell phone for all the formerly slumbering neighborhood to enjoy.

3:08 a.m. Another ashpalt orator serenaded the ’hood with obscenities at 18th and H streets.

9:57 a.m. A gentleman was found not breathing, and emergency personnel had to ask the hysterical persons to go outside so that the coroner could be called.

10:03 a.m. A truck with a camper shell was stolen on 11th Street.

10:57 a.m. A blue Dodgers baseball cap was doused with gasoline, placed in the intersection of Lewis Avenue and Larry Street and set ablaze. Police arrived and took custody of the scorched headwear and the gas can left on the sidewalk nearby.

7:49 p.m. A shopping cart full of food was rolled right out of a Valley West supermarket and loaded into a white station wagon, the plate of which was traced to a Panorama Drive address.

10:28 p.m. An older gent known only as “Hippie” was accused of punching someone in the mouth two times on lower H street, possibly invalidating any claims to flower empowerment.

• Monday, August 29 2:01 a.m. A sales clerk asked a store customer to call 911, which is never a good sign. Police contacted the employee, who said that someone previously ejected from the store on pain of trespass had come back. But he left withour further strife.

8:41 a.m. A worried father called from Massachusetts to report that his daughter was being held against her will and possibly being beaten somewhere in Arcata. Police called her cell phone and found that she was in a motel in Fort Bragg. That town’s police were notified.

11:02 a.m. A man was found deceased near the water tank at Spring and 16th streets. The coroner was notified and a loose dog taken to the shelter.

11:43 a.m. A child on the second floor of an L.K. Wood Boulevard residence had been told not to bounce up and down on the sofa next to the open window. But did he listen? Maybe. Did he stop? No. Did he fly out the window and land relatively undamaged in some bushes, thank heaven? Yes.

12:29 p.m. A woman reported that the previous night on 11th Street, someone entered her friend’s unlocked bedroom window and stole her $2,000 Nikon D90 camera.

1:05 p.m. His initial personal advances were rebuffed, but courtship efforts continued with letters and Facebook messages. She ignored them and him and things quieted down for several months. Then she got a letter she dscribed as “disturbing” – so much so that she called police, who offered restraining order advice.

3:09 p.m. A man reported being threatened by a man-friend of a woman he’d been dating, followed by months of threatening phone calls and e-mails.

3:19 p.m. What kind of dream world do these people inhabit to leave their purse containing ID, Social Security card, credit cards, cash and medicine in an unlocked car at the Post Office? Certainly not this one, in which, when it comes to vehicles chock full o’ valuables, nature – and omnipresent slithy toves – not only adore a vacuum, but do their best to imitate the appliance of the same name.

3:42 p.m. Even a door which was probably though not certainly locked did nothing to prevent a $1,200 laptop computer from disappearing from a Buttermilk Lane residence.

6:10 p.m. From the bowels of the H Street alley no longer covered by police surveillance cameras emerged a yellow-shirted drunk, never loosening his grasp on a bottle as he snuck up behind women and groped them. As he wandered around downtown. Police were on his trail and ran him to ground – at gunpoint, actually – back on H Street from whence he’d first horked up into civilized society. He was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.

7:23 p.m. Police stood by as medical personnel dealt with a combative patient who insisted on smoking dope in the emergency room. He was sedated and restrained.

10:46 p.m. A woman was not particularly receptive to the calls and texts from her ex asking for sexual favors. He had his chance and blew it, so bug off.

• Tuesday, August 30 6:17 a.m. A big-ass school bus was parked with self-absorbed skill at the corner of a Uniontown shopping center near a loading dock where trucks have to make deliveries. The contents of the bus and another camper van were warned.

9:11 a.m. A bus and multiple trailers parked in slovenly-random fashion near Boyd Road made it hard for other vehicles to pass.

11:08 a.m. His breakfast was a pint of vodka, brunch was a drunken brawl in which a tooth was liberated and the mid-day Moment of Zen was serenely wandering out of the hospital untreated and ignoring the appeals of medical staff.

1:47 p.m. An argument and an unfounded allegation of vandalism broke out on Alliance Road over a missing case of Ensure.

3:45 p.m. G Street businesses and residents complained of a mammoth tour bus parked out front with its generator running.

11:10 p.m. A vehicle left unlocked for four hours at 14th and J streets provided a grand groundscore for a slithy tove, who made off with the backpack and camera within.

5:27 p.m. 

Buddy you’re a young man with a headband

Walking past the store where everything’s a dollar all day

You got blood on your face

You big disgrace

Weirding out folks all over the place

They will they will cop you

They will they will cop you

Buddy you’re a strange sort wearing cutoff shorts

Blood upon your hands, headed for the burger stand

Somebody might slip

On corpuscles dripped

Covered in red like you had been bled

APD then stopped you

APD then stopped you

Buddy you’re a third-class pain-ass

Can’t even pluck fruit without police pursuit

The blackberries you picked

Made you look sick

Leaving you stained like blood had been drained

We will we will mock you

We will we will mock you

• Thursday, September 1 9:30 a.m. Two backpack-bedecked day trippers, the female of which had green hair and was carrying a cat, stopped at a Uniontown supermarket to rip off some socks. That accomplished, they plodded off northbound.

2:47 p.m. A slithy tove made off with two large flower pots valued at $100 off an I Street resident’s front porch.

3:04 p.m. A businessperson reported eating lunch at a local restaurant and paying for it with his company credit card last January. Since then someone has run up at least $1,000 using the card number at the same restaurant as well as two gas stations.

• Friday, September 2 8:44 a.m. Yet another mercurial man, this one at 12th and M streets, was reported wearing a blood-soaked turban. Though assumed to have been coated in a quart of the crimson bling, his headwear bore only the blood of blackberries, stains of which displayed on a turban pose their own sweet mini-enigma.