Drunko-Destructo Found Defuncto – October 17, 2011
• Tuesday, September 13 10:08 a.m. Jay was just trying to cover up a giant graffiti mess on an historic Plaza storehouse when he was mistook for a possible tagger. The matter was quickly cleared up.
1:35 p.m. A Samoa Boulevard businessperson reported that her landlord had unlocked the front door to allow access to someone installing glass. Close to $300 in cash was now missing.
• Wednesday, September 14 9:44 a.m. A man reported a tenant who lived with him and his mother for seven months without paying rent had agreed to buy a trailer from him for $15,000. He got $4,000 cash, but then the tenant told the man and his mother to leave the property or he would report them to immigration authorities. The man’s possessions were still in the trailer, and he didn’t have any title or paperwoork proving it was his.
10:37 a.m. Assuming any thought went into it at all, a man wagered that he could leave his iPad and Roxicet medication in his unlocked car for 10 minutes at a downtown shopping center. That calculation proved erroneous.
4:12 p.m. Someone dropped their li’l pouch of pot in Uniontown, and ’twill ne’er be smoked.
9:28 p.m. As tavern personnel cleared sitabouts from outside its front door, one aggro-indolent proved comewhat lacking in adaptation skills. After threatening to “shoot the owner in the face,” he then threatened the bouncers with a folding knife. As he soon cooled his heels in county jail, did the thought ever pass through his mind that maybe he might have overreacted?
• Thursday, September 15 12:19 a.m. A despondent woman called from the phone booth by City Hall. She said she felt hopeless, ill and suicidal and just wanted to go to Wyoming but had no means to get there. Police had put her in touch with social service resources, but she said she was too tired to follow up. If only she had some pills, she said, she would overdose on them.
8:10 a.m. A Villa Way resident reported hearing some kind of alarm in the area for the past few days. Police traced the sound to a neighbor’s smoke alarm, the batteries of which were dying and causing the device to emit death-chirps.
10:45 p.m. Rather than the usual booze, an entertainment-starved man with two small dogs reportedly ripped off magazines and three DVDs from a Uniontown supermarket. An employee recovered one of the DVDs, and police were soon at a Sunset Avenue address arresting the resident. The micro-pooches went to the shelter.
• Friday, September 16 3:01 a.m. A lower G Street resident reported a man in a severe alcohol funk running around and breaking windows outside. Police found the drunko-destructo all defuncto in the guy’s garage, and the resident said he was OK with that.
5:16 a.m. A man in a wheelchair reportedly stole change out of a donut shop tip jar and made good his rollaway.
12:57 p.m. A brown and white pitbull roved the area of Beverly Drive and Shirley Boulevard, and it wasn’t in a good mood.
7:11 p.m. A woman with a severe speech impediment reported a woman lying on a sidewalk in pain in front of her house. The victim wath ambulanthed away.
A drum circle’s cosmic vibrations
Brought complaints and then negotiations
’Twixt cops and the thumpers
Because of the grumpers
Whose lives resumed sans palpatations
• Saturday, September 17 7:59 a.m. A car parked in the 1200 block of G Strete was so laden with loot that the slithy toves went into a frenzy, breaking both the front passenger window and rear driver side window to get at the goodies. Stolen were a backpack containing schoolbooks and notes, two pairs of shoes, a digital camera and an iPod Touch.
8:28 a.m. A man an woman were reported arguing violently on L.K. Wood Boulevard, with the man on top of the woman hitting her. Police found the two who had been headed to McKinleyville but pulled off on L.K. Wood for an emergency sexual encounter. They’d been caught in the act, since completed, and were now switching drivers.
11:47 a.m. A lower G Street tattoo supplier was burgled, but the thief stole a bunch of relatively cheap supplies such as ointment and left behind items of higher value.
1:31 p.m. Three Samoa Boulevard parking lot hobnobbers divided their labors: one shouted at customers while the other two importuned them for money. It didn’t work.