New Hope For The Charred And Buzzy – November 1, 2011
• Monday, September 19 11:51 p.m. A dumpster was set ablaze in the 700 block of D Street.
• Tuesday, September 20 1:04 a.m. A man who was a friend of a roommate of an Eighth Street woman reported hearing that she was “vigorously scratching herself” after an argument with her boyfriend. Police found her OK.
• Wednesday, September 21 2:12 p.m. A woman parked her car at the Fickle Hill Road forest entrance and took a walk. When she returned, she found that her car window had been broken and her stuff stolen.
2:32 p.m. A goat refused to stay in its pen on 13th Street. When placed inside, it bounded back out. A neighbor eventually helped contain the go-go goat.
4:54 p.m. A man sauntered into a Samoa Boulevard store with some ice cream he had brought from his house, walked over to the freezer and swapped it for a different flavor, then left. He was advised for trespassing.
• Thursday, September 22 11:49 a.m. More parked-car smash and grabbage, this time at the Marsh.
12:58 p.m. A man said that several days after his ex-girlfriend let the air out of his car’s tires, she returned to slash one of them.
2:28 p.m. A woman in a turquoise sweatshirt reportedly stole vodka and cranberry juice from a Uniontown store, and was arrested.
• Friday, September 23 2:02 a.m. A man was arrested after peeing on a bar’s front door.
6:25 p.m. A group of bicyclists was seen setting up a camp at Bayside Park, which isn’t equipped for that. An officer advised them against camping within city limits.
6:41 p.m. Neighbors on Airstream Avenue communicate via a non-linguistic medium mostly involving eggs and rotten food thrown at a residence.
• Saturday, September 24 1:06 a.m. A man with a feather in his hair acquainted himself with a Uniontown store’s bottle of Captain Morgan and gallivanted away down F Street.
7:29 p.m. A mid-twenties man at Fifth and K streets was reported caterwauling about someone pepper-spraying him. Police searched the area and didn’t find him. Someone in the area hadn’t observed any victims of spicy spritzing.
8:16 p.m. A man regaled pizza-eaters in a Valley West restaurant with loud complaints about not being able to find his cell phone. He was last seen headed out to the parking lot with this important news.
8:41 p.m. The important thing seemed to be to keep yelling at people, as the cell phone-loser next cropped up at the store where everything’s worth a dollar, directing his hortatory halitosis at a man and his wife there.
10:23 p.m. A disabled woman heard what sounded like someone trying to break into her home via her bedroom window. Police found rose bushes brushing up against the house.
• Sunday, September 25 1:59 a.m. A Valley West teenager reported that her drunken dad had struck her in the face because she was sticking up for her mother. He then ran out the door and couldn’t be found.
3:35 p.m. A Sunny Brae teenager sustained a laceration to his hand following an altercation with his father.
4:49 p.m. A lodger at a Valley West motel said that when he checked in to his room the previous night, he put his money pouch in the “refridge.” But the room wasn’t clean, so he switched to a different room, leaving behind his frozen assets. When he went back to get it the next day, he said the pouch was missing and that the staff and management didn’t know anything about it.
7:10 a.m. After partially smoking a cigarette, a lower H Street resident reported feeling as though he had a spike through his head. An ambulance was summoned.
7:18 p.m. Even more effective at compounding conflict than banging on the walls is flinging dogshit over the fence into the yard of the pet owner. An Ariel Way resident said she’s done this and that the poo-boomeranging neighbs were being threatening. Moments later she called back and said they had come over and apologized, perhaps accepting the inevitability of karmic retribution.
• Monday, September 26 3:06 a.m. A woman in a red and white dress yelled and threw rocks at a building in the donut shop’s sphere of influence. She and seven pals of convenience were admonished.
9:43 a.m. The list of property stolen from the unlocked car on Ross Street was long, and it added up to about $1,000.
10 a.m. A woman left her unhealthy cats in an F Street storage unit and was upset that the staff wouldn’t let her back in to get them. She was to get some assistance and move her stuff out.
12:14 p.m. A Villa Way resident reported a baby opossum having crawled into her living room through an open door. It snuggled up against a rack of CDs and took a nap.
4:07 p.m. A woman reported a disturbing online advertisement offering her two “pretty” daughters for trade in return for a free vehicle and the services of “handy men” who could fix her trailer in a Eureka mobile home park.
4:11 p.m. Two students reported their suspicions that their roommate, who is in the country on a student visa, is dealing drugs.
5:24 p.m. A 12-year-old was reported huffing paint from a green can near the pay window at a Valley West golden arches’ drive-thru lane.
7:28 p.m. Two men, one with dreadlocks and a fuzzy beard, were reported drunk and with a dog in the Veterans’ Memorial Garden. One was advised, presumably against the kinds of abuses – bottles, butts and dog crap – which have degraded the carefully tended micro-greenspace just off the Plaza.
11:19 p.m. A Valley West apartment dweller responded to loud TV sound from the next-door apartment with the time-proven method for ensuring escalation of the noise – pounding on the walls.
11:47 p.m. A man called to report an argument with his roommate. Then the roommate got on the line and said the caller was intoxicated and unreasonable. The first person then said the first guy had struck him, but that he didn’t want to pursue charges.
• Tuesday, September 27 8:12 a.m. A man in a gray hoodie and saggy pantaloons zigged, zagged, jinked, juked, swerved, swooned, spazzed and waved his arms worryingly while ejaculating indecipherable singsong squeals at Ninth and H streets. As bulldozers and trenching equipment operating nearby roared their disapproval, the cosmic wanderer winged his way down Tavern Row, not to be located.
9:50 a.m. A Craigslist transaction went funny when a man sent a local resident a check for $2,000 – some 20 times the amount of the transaction. The sender said “a mistake was made” and that the recipient should go ahead and cash it, then send him the $1,900. This aroused suspicion, and the recipient refused the request in an e-mail message. After that, she didn’t hear from him again.
10:11 a.m. A woman said that she happened upon a man removing wires from her vehicle’s starter and battery. After confronting him, she said he threatened her with violence if she didn’t sell him the truck. The blundering buffoon even took a swing at the woman, but missed.
10:41 a.m. A woman said that someone hacked into her e-mail and Facebook accounts, found “negative” messages about her ex-boyfriend and sent them to him. She said the ex is “very upset.”
2:48 p.m. A car parked at Seventh and K streets was seen being used as some sort of storage unit for trash and miscellany by travelers, who were seen coming and going from it. It was the reporting party’s belief that the trash bags in the vehicle contained human feces.
3:24 p.m. A man did a scarf and scram from a Valley West restaurant, and the staff said he had had some practice.
11:23 p.m. Two men were reported trying doorhandles in the 1400 block of J Street. Police found a female under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms and called an ambulance. APD also checked to see if University Police had a female officer available, and one was sent to assist.
• Wednesday, September 28 12:22 a.m. When a 10th Street resident arrived home, someone could be heard snoring inside of what should have been an empty apartment. Police found two drunken trespassers, and took them to jail.
10:19 a.m. A wallet, cell phone, driver’s license and clothes were found at a popular traveler camping spot on Janes Creek. HSU Police took the items for return to a student.
11:11 a.m. Still another gullible rube fell for the fake-check free money scam, cashing two of them at a Valley West home of honest goodness and wiring most of the proceeds to some shady Craigslistian character. When, inevitably, the checks turned up fraudulent, the woman’s bank seized $4,900 from her account.
12:12 p.m. Among the interesting phenomena observed at a Spear Avenue house are “extreme” activity occurring there day and night, a succession of vehicles that arrive, stay five minutes or so and then leave, an extremely aggressive dog and two trucks parked down the street with men inside watching the house through binoculars.
12:21 p.m. Two women got into a fight at Larson Park during a child custody exchange. One said that the other took a swing at her and missed, at which point she face-splattered the errant puncher with her mug of tea. This was followed by some hair pulling.
12:29 p.m. A ponytailed slouchabout at the Veterans’ Memorial Garden supposedly demanded $100 from a man and then made rude comments about his wife. Police found the surly slouchers dispersing.
2:59 p.m. A woman hung her jacket up at a Plaza bar, and when she later went back to get it, it was gone along with her wallet, credit cards and $2.
4:02 p.m. After a woman’s daughter lost her cell phone, she got a call from a woman who said she had bought it from a homeless man for $60. They made arrangements to meet at 6:30 p.m. to return the phone, but the caller also made “other demands.”
4:33 p.m. A couch dumped at Aldergrove Marsh contained information about the owner, who apparently hadn’t checked the cushions.
5:55 p.m. A Hallen drive resident reported that “his old body is charred and buzzy,” and he couldn’t lay down. He said he was having a nervous breakdown, and would be waiting in his tie-dyed shirt for officers to arrive. Police found him sufficiently stable to make his own way to the hospital, and gave his scorched torso the directions.
• Thursday, September 29 9:33 a.m. Some nearby residents shot video of Big Al in support of their restraining order. Alfred reportedly reacted when the guy walked by, and alleged that he had hit his dog with a rock. The tape didn’t show anything like that, and the two were warned to stay away from each other. Al was warned about tethering his pooch.
2:06 p.m. Two or three males were reported walking around an I Street information kiosk asking people if they wanted to medicate. They then plopped down under a tree to toke up. Police bounced them from the property with a trespass warning.
4:42 p.m. A woman reported “goose eggs” on the back of her head from stuff being thrown at her. She said she hadn’t had any sleep and is tired of the abuse, then hung up. She called back to say that she had been hit and choked by the boy(non-)friend, had placed ice on her head and declined medical assistance. He left, she said, after promising to burn down her house.
6:34 p.m. A man shooting pictures of girls at a Janes Road motel swimming pool said he was going to take the photos to Las Vegas.