Drunk’s Airs And Graces Fail Tavern Toilet Standard – December 26, 2011
• Monday, November 14 6:51 a.m. What did four subwoofers and a backpack on Valley West Boulevard have in common? They were left unattended in a truck, and were stealable.
7:42 a.m. A mountain lion was spotted across from the Bayside Post Office.
3:27 p.m. A woman at the student health center said she had been assaulted at a party on South G Street early Saturday morning.
9:01 p.m. A man in a black hoodie threw a bag with something heavy in it at a car on upper G Street and broke the windshield.
11:37 p.m. A woman at an Alliance Road apartment complex was reported using her mom’s handicapped placard for more convenient parking.
• Tuesday, November 15 1:18 a.m. One man’s airs and graces fell short of the standards expected at Plaza bars after midnight. His first social splash involved trying to buy drugs in the bathroom, gaining only the attention of management, which asked him to leave. Pridefully maintaining his untenable position, he then went all uber-aggro-annoyo and was physically restrained until officers arrived to arrest him on charges of public drunkenness and trespassing.
11:35 a.m. A caller complained that the people upstairs in a Samoa Boulevard apartment complex were being noisy and dragging things across the floor. But the GPS locator said the call was coming in from another location elsewhere in town.
• Wednesday, November 16 3:17 a.m. Tour buses parked outside a Plaza club were egged.
5:41 p.m. An F Street resident kicked her roommate, injuring her own foot. She went to the ER.
11:08 p.m. An officer had a couple of encounters with an increasingly drunk carouser on the Plaza, the second one involving him trying to pick a fight. He finally got one, claiming that three bouncers from a bar had kicked and stomped him while he was on the ground. But only his hands were bleeding.
• Wednesday, November 17 6:21 a.m. A caller reported “dope” at a Hallen Drive bus stop and was worried that kids might get hold of it. An officer found something described as a “molded marijuana leaf,” and took it into custody.
2:37 p.m. A citizen came to the station to ask about “European-style” motorized scooters, and what laws applied to riding and parking them.
10:22 p.m. Roommates on Alliance Road squabbled over $40 one allegedly stole out of the other’s pants.
• Thursday, November 17 3:14 a.m. A patient admitted to the ER bristled with contraband. Personnel stripped the patient of his weapons, knives and drugs and had police come and pick them up.
8:13 a.m. A citizen responded to a Craigslist ad placed, supposedly, by a woman moving to the area from Canada. She needed a driver, the ad said, and was to send an initial $400 payment. Instead she sent a $2,800 check and told her new driver to cash it and send the balance to her travel agent. And at that point the now-familiar scam unraveled.
10:10 a.m. When a woman parked her car at Bayside Road and Buttermilk Lane, she noticed something unusual in the grass there – that would be a hunk of flesh that contained a chest cavity. An officer determined that someone had discarded the gutted husk of a deer carcass there.
2:31 p.m. Two women toting a twelver and a large garbage bag trudged into a popular camping area at the end of Lorelei Lane.
2:41 p.m. A stumbly bumbler carrying a trash bag wandered in traffic on H Street, his pants not faring well in their battle with gravity.
• Friday, November 18 1:53 p.m. A cluster of male hangabouts in the Ball Park’s entrance hooted and gibbered at passing women as they walked to the transit center. They denied this to police, saying that they had been singing. And really, what kind of person would disapprove of music?
4:34 p.m. A man known only as “Space” reportedly entered a bar through its back entrance, flashed a knife at someone and was infused with sufficient escape velocity to chart a trajectory back to Planet Nimrod.
• Sunday, November 20 12:12 a.m. A man offering free, mobile argument services tailed a man and his girlfriend around downtown until she whipped out the cell phone, at which point he explored marketing opportunities in the opposite direction.
8:39 a.m. A loose dog in a jaunty scarf wandered the aisles of a 13th Street marketplace, searching for its human overlord in a seemingly endless maze of pooch-bedazzling food scents and sights. The canine sensory overload ended when master was found.
11:44 a.m. A citizen felt the grunch of crumbling plastic underfoot at 11th and F streets, then called police to come pick up a discarded syringe.
2:13 p.m. A shaven-headed, camo-panted, backpack-burdened man settled down on the corner of 10th and J streets to enjoy a tall, cool adult beverage. He guzzled enough of it to be deemed drunk in public by the time police arrived.
• Monday, November 21 12:06 p.m. A business owner said that a friend had been eating dinner at a chain sandwich shop the previous night when an employee told her that she’d heard two men say they were going to rob her business a week ago. Police likened the week-old, multiple word-of-mouth threat to a game of “telephone” and not particularly credible.
4:45 p.m. The boards on the windows of a crumbling, disused Valley West motel hardly block they who are driven to bust in and use the place as a giant dope-smoking sanctuary.
9:15 p.m. College students were going about their evening business in their Shirley Boulevard rental home when a redwood tree dropped in for a visit, puncturing the ceiling with branches.
• Tuesday, November 22 12:54 p.m. A deranged rollerblading enthusiast rolled around on the Plaza, vandalizing the landscaping and throwing things. He then headed northbound on H Street, rolling against traffic.
1:12 p.m. A Ninth Street restaurant reported a man on inline skates punching signs, throwing marshmallows and cookies, starting arguments and almost getting hit by a car. An officer advised the wheeled terror to put shoes on and stop going against traffic.
6:53 p.m. A person somehow lost a cellphone and wallet at Sunset Avenue and Baldwin, and of course whatever caring, principled person found them immediately started running up charges on the debit card and phone.
10:26 p.m. A traveler sitting in front of a bar was seen picking his doomed puppy up by the leash which he had fashioned out of shoelaces, strangling it. An officer found the pup still respirating, and told the trav to move along.
• Wednesday, November 23 9:07 a.m. He said he reacted when she pushed him and spit in his face, pushing her back and slapping her. She said he slapped and pushed her down after a verbal altercation. Neither wanted prosecution and both said it had been a misunderstanding.
9:20 a.m. A self-serve car wash’s lock and bar was cut off with a blowtorch, but whoever did it didn’t get to the coin box.
11:55 a.m. A man in a knit cap was reported walking with his hands down his pants and making “ape-like” noises near Ninth and G streets.
9:11 p.m. A man who had been enjoying cocktails at two Plaza bars reported losing his wallet at one of them; he couldn’t ’member which. The missing wallet had ID and $450 in it, and he wanted police to call him if it was turned in. Police called both bars asking about the wallet, but they said the man had been in and out several times and probably lost it.
• Thursday, November 24 12:21 p.m. A property owner on Mack Road found an empty case of butane cylinders with green flakes on top, which he took to be the remnants of someone’s hashish-making project.
4:17 p.m. A gas station employee asked a man not to smoke near some propane tanks, sensible advice which he took rather badly. By way of stinging riposte, the propane proximity puffer (for want of a better term) threatened to pee on the person who had been trying to keep him from exploding, and this seemed well within his capabilities given the abundant evidence that he had been drinking. Told to move on, the man who could be identified only as “John Doe” made a low-effort feint at reforming his ways by whiling away the afternoon near a supermarket entrance. But after a while, pining for more gas station drama, he drifted back and got into pointless arguments with customers. And there his liquorific, languorous sojourn ended, with a public drunkenness arrest.
9:51 p.m. A man at the transit center said he had been robbed of his tent and medical marijuana, and was headed to the Occupy Humboldt camp at HSU, where he could be around people he knows.