Slovenly Slobs Seek Succor In Slumpabout Settlements – January 31, 2012

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

• Monday, January 2 8:56 p.m. A skateboarder equipped with a headlight and taillight only made himself more visible to a predatory motorist trying to run him off the road near Stromberg Avenue.

10:10 p.m. $100 cash left in an oxymoronically unlocked locker at a health club was sticky-fingered.

• Tuesday, January 3 10:34 a.m. Someone walked on and left recyclables atop a car in the 1500 block of F Street.

11:03 a.m. A 17-year-old boy was reportedly spirited away to Fort Bragg by his 19-year-old girlfriend. The father called en route to retrieve him, demanding that the girlfriend be charged with kidnapping.

1:45 p.m. A charming gent in a downtown business “got in the face” of a female worker, asking her, “Hey baby, want to suck on this?” This highly appealing proposition being unrequited, he then wandered off, looking agitated.

4:57 p.m. A Community Forest hiker went off-trail and stumbled upon a campsite which had “teen” clothes, makeup, underwear and blankets. The hiker theorized that is was being used by a runaway.

5:53 p.m. Hobos in the night, exchanging bottles often use a business’s balcony with its panoramic view of Arcata and Humboldt Bay beyond. Since they predictably pollute this paradisical promontory place with trash and spent beverage husks, the business has to shoo away up to a half dozen of the grog-sodden slumpabouts every morning.

• Wednesday, January 4 7:21 a.m. A wrong-way driver was killed on U.S. Highway 101, injuring another motorist.

10:55 a.m. While a duck hunter was off blasting them out of the sky, someone kicked his truck, which was parked back at the wildlife sanctuary.

1:05 p.m. Another woman at work downtown got an “odd” phone call, then a while later a man came in and said he had been watching her through the window. She wondered if the two incidents were related.

3:01 p.m. A he-she argument included her whapping him with a frying pan.

4:41 p.m. So many people are bitter and grudgy these days, or just lashy-outy and hissy-snitty. For whatever reason, car tires were found slashed in the Community Park lot.

6:53 p.m. A woman who smoked marihuana had a “bad trip” and “freaked out” to some degree. She said her heart was racing, she was scared and paranoid and that she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to care for her four-year-old. Then she said she meant to call her mother but had called police instead. An officer checked in on the woman and she said she was feeling much better.

• Thursday, January 5 7:41 a.m. A caller from the Skate park said that he was drinking with a friend at a nearby residence when the friend used a racial slur. This enraged a woman there, who attacked the friend, scratched his face and threw a cell phone against the wall, breaking it. The caller said he was staying at a Northtown motel until he could buy a new phone and go home to Miranda.

1:18 p.m. A Sunny Brae shop reported the theft of a hoodie. An employee saw a woman wearing it on Christmas Eve, but was just now reporting it.

2:23 p.m. A “giant lifted monster truck” was reported parked against traffic and on the sidewalk on Janes Road between 11th Street and Haeger Avenue. You can’t miss it, assured the caller, due to its “huge” size and “giant” tires.

7:40 p.m. A caller from a cannabis center asked police to document that his wife had stated several years ago that she stole medication from her former employer seven years ago. He said he was calling now to get back at his ex in their ongoing child custody battle. The dispatcher dutifully recorded his assertions.

10:27 p.m. 

There’s a car in a trailer park

And it swerves, driving in the dark

The lonely driver passes night away

Cruising past mobile homes


The caller said Brandy,

You’re no fine girl

Drawing neighbors to the street

With your tires, you’re making them squeal, also screech


Brandy drives an SUV

Made of finest steel, painted green

Like a rocket, but with Oregon plates

Blazing past mobile homes


The caller said Brandy’s a DUI girl

In her big-time SUV

But my night, my home and my craving is for sleep


• Friday, January 6 2:31 a.m. A woman reported that a man in a dirty white shirt had tried to set fire to a pile of clothes in the Carport of Destiny, Adventure and Romance, Not Necessarily In That Order. But police couldn’t find anything burned there, and a cruise along the arsonist’s supposed route turned up no sign of him. The woman who had reported the fire wasn’t able to show any officer where this had taken place and changed her story. Someone else had told her of the laundry inferno, she now said. The heroic dud-dousing seems to have been similarly imaginary.

2:59 a.m. Youths reportedly tagging an abandoned A Street house of worship and mildew also turned out to be chimeras.

3:21 a.m. The church vandalism witness doubled down on the report, stating the elusive kids were still there and on top of that, a neighbor’s dog had chosen this moment to enter his yard and commence pooping. Argumentative and agitated, he said he would be making a citizen’s arrest of the neighbor. Police found no poopy pooches or punks.

3:51 p.m. An anonymous male said people were vandalizing the Church of Mold, and climbing its lichen-encrusted steeple.

4 p.m. Not far away, at Seventh and Union, a drunk was arrested and taken to jail.

9:16 p.m. A woman said she awoke with a man’s clothing next to her, which wasn’t her husband’s, and brusing possibly indicating a sexual assault. This angered the husband, who took the children and left. Extremely emotional and frightened, she sais she knew who the male was, and needed to talk to an officer.

9:44 p.m. A woman returned from out of town to find that someone unknown had stacked her wheelbarrows on top of each other and wrapped her garden hose around the fenc ein the backyard in such a way as to make tenant egress difficult. Hate it when that happens.

2:37 p.m. With an iPod locked in a car on 13th Street, a mere window wasn’t going to deprive a slithy tove  of the techno-nugget.

4:31 p.m. A mentally distressed woman went missing for a bit, and was described as carrying a large bag containing a photo of a spiritual leader, which she views constantly.

11:01 p.m. A citizen noticed “young-looking” females buying what  he believed to be CO2 cartridges at a Fourth Street market. He followed the carbonized chicks to a big party on south D Street, and was concerned about their safety.

• Saturday, January 7 3:05 p.m. A man suffered a liquor-exacerbated hypothermia and a heart attack, and died on a bench overlooking the wetland-pasture on Samoa Boulevard.

• Sunday, January 8 12:53 a.m. 

A drummer decided to practice

On 12th Street, where some were exasperous

At the midnighty thunder

Cops called out his blunder

Which ended up somewhat disastrous

9:53 a.m. A man at the front door of the police station reported that he had taken a radioactive bomb away from a terrorist at the transit center, and that he had it in his pocket. Somehow the man was deemed un-crazy, though his report was unfounded. and he was sent on his way.

3:22 p.m. It doesn’t matter if you have a 215, you can’t smoke anything on the Plaza, not even the high holy herb.

7:56 p.m. An unwell woman reported her daughter stealing her jewelry from her. She alleged that the daughter kept her stolen jewelry buried in the backyard, but an oficer found her confused and forgetful. After interviewing both daughters, it seemed clear that the mother had gifted several of the baubles, bangles and beads to the daughter over the years but forgotten she had done so, and her claim was considered unfounded.

• Monday, January 9 10:37 a.m. A pharmacy employee was reported having stolen 150 pills since September, with the thefts recorded on video.

1:48 p.m. A man with a backpack and a knife on his hip wasn’t the ideal laundromat patron, threatening to pepper spray one customer and displaying the big knife to another. Police found him nearby, detained him at gunpoint and then took him to the crazy house.

• Tuesday, January 10 9:36 a.m. A man was seen digging in the dirt on the side of Giuntoli Lane, wearing only underwear. He too went to a mental health facility.

10:17 a.m. A Samoa Boulevard reported someone having taken his $2,5000 saxophone and refusing to give it back.

10:57 a.m. Motel officials brought a left-behind iPad to the police station. They weren’t comfortable with the owner returning to the motel to pick it up.

5:49 p.m. Four men in “army clothing” mustered in front of H Street businesses, their duties consisting mainly of  smoking and drinking. They were asked to come back later when the bizzes were closed, but refused. Police came and arrested one on a warrant.