Carport Lurkers Cluster Around Microzoologically-Festive Intoxicant Delivery Nozzle – March 17, 2012

Saturday, March 17, 2012

• Saturday, February 18 9:15 a.m. A man often animated by unseen forces was uncharacteristically motionless – seemingly asleep yet still eerily vertical – leaning against a wall in an H Street alley. Police went to investigate the intriguing neuromotor anomaly, but found the man back in motion at 10th and H.

12:10 p.m. A woman called from an odd location for child custody exchange – a health club – to report the father refusing to relinquish their daughter, whom he took with him into the men’s locker room.

12:52 p.m. A woman called from a Valley West store to complain about being stalked by a man and woman in the cutest li’l stalkermobile – a red VW bug. An officer found the allegation unfounded, and later follow-up indicated that the problem between the three traces back to when they were all in jail.

7:01 p.m. A woman was subjected to multiple forms of public abuse by a man, including spitting in her face, threatening her with a baseball bat and making her look at the mole on his face. As the gallant Mr. Projectile Saliva savored the aromatic warmth of the donut shop, she summoned police. They found no assault having occurred, and advised the two to separate and keep it that way.

11:38 p.m. A cow went for a stroll southbound on Q Street.

• Sunday, February 19 12:36 a.m. A man yelling into his cell phone and at someone else nearby loudly reported having been “suckerpunched” by an assailant on the Plaza.

1:55 a.m. A man on 10th Street was reported punched and plopped in the roadway on 10th Street. When police arrived he was upright and walking from the scene with a small dog wearing a sweater.

2:26 a.m. Street-lying must have been the night’s fad, as a man in a camo jacket was also reported indulging in asphalt surfing on Fickle Hill Road.

12:01 p.m. A handicapped woman was reported in a Valley West motel room covered in feces, with liquor bottles and food strewn about the room. An ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital for medical clearance, after which she was taken to jail on a public drunkenness charge. She’s been banished from several motels in the area for the behavior, and now this one too.

2:38 p.m. A man in a camouflage jacket importuned passersby at a Uniontown supermarket to buy his bicycle until asked to leave by the security guard. The burly bike salesman’s next stop was the police station across the street, where he complained that the guard had yelled bad words at him as he left the shopping center.

4:13 p.m. Maybe a “local transient” is the opposite of an out-of-town native, but whatever it is, that is who was described as buying drugs off a guy with a walker out front of the Uniontown supermarket.

• Monday, February 20 9:36 a.m. A former school employee turned up and allegedly harassed parents picking up their children, making a several-minutes-long scene. Police called her and told her not to return on penalty of trespassing, and she said she had no plans to go back.

• Tuesday, February 21 8:24 a.m. A man in all black was said to be paranoid and changing his story as he talked to emergency personnel in Valley West, When he said his panic attack would lead to a heart attack, he was ambulanced to the hospital.

8:50 a.m. It was a bunk bed, not a bad dad, that bruised that boy’s leg.

9:23 a.m. The Occupy Arcata Heights homestead on K Street and its variety of barnyard animals drew a complaint.

10:52 a.m. Police were asked to hurry up and get out to a Larry Street residence where “something is banging wall.” That special something, presumably an embittered former associate, was then arrested for violating a court order.

11:03 a.m. A Park Avenue rental home is said to consume an inordinate amount of electricity. The frustrated landlord described the usage as “extreme.”

11:04 p.m. A Valley West business called about a wallet with cash in it that had been found. They had checked the phone book for the owner with no success.

11:24 a.m. A paraplegic individual was found covered in ants, with open wounds that needed attention. An ambulance was called.

12:15 p.m. Hard-luck Larson Park was recently restored, but is in swift decline due to moron visitations. Graffitists destroyed the fence screen that buffered the tennis courts from the freeway. Lately, skateboarders from the nearby Skate Park are using the tennis courts, taking chunks out of the surface. The nets are being torn down too.

4:07 p.m. A probation officer came out to her car to find the passenger-side door and glove box hanging open. Her purse was still there, but her handcuffs, badge, pepper spray and iPod were gone. The loss of the badge was particularly concerning.

4:19 p.m. Responsing to a seamstress’s ad on Craigslist. a woman provided fabric for creation of an unspecified garment. But then the seamstress lost the thread, and was not answering calls or e-mails.

4:30 p.m. Irony was abundant when the only video shop in town that has a faux tower attached to it lost a copy of Tower Heist to a thief. Also, the Heist-heist was caught on video.

5:11 p.m. A Union Street apartment dweller left his back door unlocked all day, and sometime between 8:30 a.m. and 4:30 p.m., got robbed. Taken were his Playstation and a .45 caliber Beretta PX4 Storm handgun.

8:24 p.m. A gentleman passed away in his home, and soon the family arrived to comfort his wife.

10:18 p.m. 

A circular drummer assembly

Made a racket both loud and unendly

Till cops made a veer

Toward Plazoid racketeers

Who left the Schwazz more eardrum-friendly

• Wednesday, February 22 2:57 p.m. The Occupy Arcata Heights urban barnyard generated a complaint over what was described as 30 to 40 animals in the backyard. The complainant said he had tried to reason with the tenants about the condition of the yard and house but had been told to “F” off.

5:50 p.m. A woman said she had been approached by a seedy-looking guy flashing a badge who said he was an undercover cop. The man, wearing a camouflage cap and goatee, said he had followed the woman from Eureka and he thought she might be DUI, something that apparently requires undercover surveillance.

7:58 p.m. Wacky hijinx in the donut shop alley included the usual unimaginative routine of herb-chugging, booze-glugging and blithely exigent disregard for the perils of shared bacterium-laden intoxicant-delivery nozzles, and earned three chaps citations.