Hapful Doorman Withstands Largiloquent Dithyramb – March 3, 2012

Saturday, March 3, 2012

By Kevin L. Hoover & Lauraine Leblanc

• Friday, February 10 2:20 p.m. Hi, I saw your car for sale on Craigslist. Can I test drive it? Pick up the keys where? At the police station? Are you kidding me?

2:22 p.m. He left his car at the repair shop in December with a blown head gasket and went home for the holidays. He returned to find it impounded for having been abandoned. Someone’s got some explaining to do.

6:54 p.m. Overzealous construction workers at Eighth and I Streets failed to call it a night, annoying a neighbor.

• Saturday, February 11 3:49 a.m. She was confused as to whom she had given five bucks, but darn it, they were supposed to buy her egg rolls.

5:27 p.m. Please keep your chickens and their poop in your yard.

11:25 p.m. Party.

11:27 p.m. Party.

11:33 p.m. A shady character in a light-colored sport coat came stumbling out of a party and attempted to get into the neighbor’s vehicle. He returned to party when confronted.

11:39 p.m. Party.

• Saturday, February 12 12:26 a.m. Party.

12:31 a.m. Surprise! DUI.

2:23 a.m. Party.

3:12 a.m. Party spawns 30-person argument.

1:13 p.m. A man was spotted walking a cow on a leash on 11th Street. No report on whether he had previously been in possession of magic beans.

• Sunday, February 13 1:39 a.m. Calling from Tavern Row, she admitted to dropping acid earlier that night, and so acknowledged that perhaps people in Trinidad are not actually trying to kill her. She was advised to seek the safety of the donuttery rather than drive home.

1:31 p.m. A power mower that was trying to elope with a television was intercepted at 12th and M streets.

3 p.m. A man in a black hooded jacket was reported urinating or possibly just holding it outside a dance studio.

• Valentine’s Day 5:37 a.m. A D Street resident allegedly confided in his girlfriend a novel method by which he planned to kill himself – lying in the roadway until he was run over. Police found him and he denied the suicide sprawl, attributing the false report to an ongoing argument with his sweetheart.

11:09 a.m. The donut shop’s alley was well represented by languid guzzler-tokers, one of whom was equipped with a stick. Police meandered into the medicating millabouts’ milieu and arrested one on a warrant.

12:43 p.m. If the big, friendly dog with no tags tied up on Old Arcata Road could have talked, it might have told officers where it came from. But since it couldn’t, it was taken to the shelter.

3:40 p.m. Someone put a trash can under the window of a Villa Way residence, climbed inside the house and stole a $300 camera. The perp then went out the front door, leaving it unlocked and unclosed.

6:15 p.m. A bag of clothes was left on Union Street, and inside, in the pocket of a jacket, was a gun.

8:19 p.m. A man reported his car damaged near the donut shop – by a hat. He said a man had walked in front of his car with a string hat hanging from his backpack. The hat got caught on a metal part attached to the bumper and damaged the lower portion.

9:18 p.m. A largiloquent lout channeled a deranged dithyramb composed of state-of-the-art halitosis at a hapless Plaza doorman. But the plucky portal protector turned out to be hapful, called cops and with this measured response set the squealing psychostick a-scamperin’.

11:09 p.m. A man near 12th andL streets was seen examining license plates of parked cars in the area and entering things on his cell phone. Asked what he was doing, the man said he was looking for criminal activity. Asked if he was a police officer, he said that wasn’t the inquirer’s business.

11:59 p.m. A woman reported a man walking away from a party near L.K. Wood Boulevard and California Avenue with a bloody lip and wondered if “it” was out of control – presumably referring to the party and not the lip.

• Wednesday, February 15 7:54 a.m. Someone left $500 in CDs in an unlocked car on Wyatt Lane.

3:03 p.m. A man left his fancy $450 cell phone on a bus the previous Thursday, and today it turned up smashed and broken at his house, left there by an unknown antagonist for purposes unclear.

3:23 p.m. A youth was reported covered in numerous scars that resembled cigarette burns, and had said that his father was going to murder him. On investigating, the cig burns turned out to be Chickenpox lesions, and the lad had blurted to another kid on the bus that “Dad is going to kill me!” in the traditional, hyperbolically figurative sense, over a behavioral issue.

9:15 p.m. The faint sound of a dog barking was heard in Sandra Court.

• Thursday, February 16 1:22 a.m. A drunk snuggled down in the cosseting pavement of the eastbound Samoa Boulevard bike lane for a little nappy-poo. Officers scraped him up and drunk tanked him prior to his likely conversion into road kill.

2:43 a.m. A burglary victim dealt with the loss in the most inefficient way imaginable by calling Arcata Police to complain. On reporting his vehicle broken into and a backpack stolen, he was asked to come to the station and file a report, but he refused and hung up. A callback reached his not-set-up voice mail box, but he soon called again, demanding APD action. Told he lived outside Arcata city limits and would have to file a report with the Sheriff’s Office, he got all huffy and kept calling to pointlessly badger APD about it. An Sheriff’s deputy went to the victim’s house in county jurisdiction, but he flatly refused to file a report.

9:13 a.m. In Tilley Court, an overnight vehicle rummaging resulted in the loss of a flash drive to a slithy techno-tove.

11:35 a.m. A mail theft at a residence in the 700 block of D Street resulted in the loss of $50 cash, a CD and chocolate. The thief left the gaping, empty envelope behind to cruelly mock the chocolate-deprived victim.