Arcata’s Alternative Medicine Ambulance Offers Integrative Emergency Aid – April 1, 2012

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Arcata Alternative Ambulance wellness docents treat injuries with crystals, incense and homeopathic waters. TMc | Eye

Kevin L. Hoover

Eye Editor

ARCATA – With Arcata’s medical clinics and hospital wards overloaded with victims of fluoride poisoning and Smart Meter radiation, it’s only logical to mistrust Big Science and its servile handmaiden, mainstream medicine.

So next time you get a bottle broken over your head on Tavern Row, you need not submit to the dubious treatments of conventional paramedics – the new Arcata Alternative Ambulance is ready to help.

Staffed by a set of Saras, the AAA responds to all manner of emergencies with good vibrations, guided imagery and other nontraditional nostrums.

“The conventional  way to treat injuries is to attack the problem,” said Sara Starr, AAA wellness docent. “But isn’t there enough conflict in the world? Violence never solved anything, and two wrongs don’t make a right.”

AAA first responders instead “try to find the positive side” of dog bites, broken legs, diabetic shock and other emergency conditions, using a spectacular array of integrative medical treatments.

“Just last week a guy got knocked out at a bar,” related Sara Sunstein, senior synergy specialist. “We didn’t waste time with bandages, we knew he needed his aura detoxified – and fast!”

After soaking the pool cue shards embedded in the victim’s cranium with a homeopathic tincture to reverse the Reike vortices’ polarity, the two embarked on an aggressive course of anthroposophical aromatherapy-based triage, waving lit herbal smudges and basting his toes in a poultice of Tahitian Noni root.

“That did the trick,” Starr said. “As soon as we immersed his toes in the Noni, he came to, took one look at us and ran out the door.”

The discussion had to be put on hold when the AAA dispatch radio – actually a telepathic transponder – crackled to life with an alert. A bicycle accident had taken place just down the street, and the two rushed off to treat the victim.

Arriving at the scene, Starr and Sunstein recognized the young man lying half-conscious on the pavement as Mark Whitson, the iconoclastic HSU student bicyclist who had flirted briefly with traffic law compliance by stopping, once, at a stop sign (Eye, April 1, 2008).

“Him again,” muttered Starr. Parking nearby, the two leapt from the ambulance and raced to Whitson’s side.

“Smudge!” barked Starr. “Check!” answered Sunstein, lighting a clump of sage on fire.



“Chakra detector!”


“Coffee enema!”


Their equipment ready, the two quickly evaluated the accident scene, rearranging Whitson’s mangled bicycle and crumpled body for optimal Feng Shui. Then it was time to apply treatment.

As Whitson groaned in pain with multiple fractures, Sunstein waved the burning sage smudge about, purifying his Chi. Meanwhile, Starr dangled healing crystals over him, siphoning away “the illusion” of pain.

That accomplished, Sunstein produced a small electrical meter and applied probes to various points of his body while peering at the readout, her brow furrowed with concern. “This doesn’t look good,” she said. “His chakras are all cattywampus.” (At one point, a Yin-Yang sticker fell off the chakra detection meter, uncovering a logo that read “Radio Shack Battery Tester.”)

“Coffee time!” Starr declared, tugging at the young man’s pants. At that, he stirred and observed his alternative angels of mercy topping off an enema bag with steaming French Roast.

“No, not that again!” Whitson exclaimed, struggling to his sole useable foot and hobbling frantically down the road clutching his trousers. “I’m fine!” he bellowed, looking back at his benefactors in undisguised terror and colliding with a stop sign.

With that, the two Saras began gathering up their gear. “Mission accomplished,” said Starr, high-fiving Sunstein.

Note: An earlier version of this story was first published April 1, 2009. – Ed.