‘If I Wanted To Smoke Your Joint, I Would!’ – April 1, 2012

Sunday, April 1, 2012

• Tuesday, February 28 4:36 p.m. That $10,000 check? No good. The bank wants the $3,200 drawn against it back, and your account? Closed.

4:36 p.m. A trio of roving males made their way down H Street in a flurry of fragrant flannel and dope smoke. Coming to rest in a sleaze-beleagured alley, one was heard to quip, “If I wanted to smoke your joint, I would!”

7:47 p.m. A four-month romantic escapade evolved on schedule into domestic violence, except that the transformation took place not in hearth and home, but at an Alliance Road gas station mini-mart. He, caveman-like, barged into the store, grabbed the gal-pal and non-consensually dragged her from the premises. Police determined that the man had taken her property to get her to come home, a gambit so succsessful he augmented it with the public contretemps. Apart from a slightly stretched hoodie, the woman had no injuries and didn’t want to pursue charges.

9:50 p.m. A shoplifter’s calorie-dense quarry at a 13th Street marketplace included ice cream and ravioli. The feast o’ plenty led to only one of the two citations: for shoplifting, plus one for a warrant.

• Wednesday, February 29 6:58 a.m. A drunk-at-dawn denizen of Valley West motel row managed to get himself arrested with a canny mix of gesticulation and narrative. “Bang, you’re dead,” he declared to random passersby, extending a gun-like pointed finger at them.

9:33 a.m. A caller alleged that parents of three children, two of whom have cystic fibrosis, regularly smoke and drink in the family’s apartment, and that the afflicted kids aren’t being properly treated for their maladies.

10:40 a.m. A suburban resident reported no less than five suspected grow houses, identifying them by address. Symptoms include smells, the swapping of equipment and lights that stay on all night.

3:05 p.m. A Poplar Avenue resident called police to have them remove a crack pipe which he had seen someone place in his recycling bin the previous night.

• Thursday, March 1 10:18 a.m. A woman was hired to serve as a chef for a visitor, who sent an advance check for $4,780 which she deposited at a Plaza bank. Meanwhile, the visitor asked her to send him $3,000 in Texas. This aroused her suspicions, so she called the Montana bank the check was drawn on, and was told he had closed the account.

12:43 p.m. A man called 911 to report that he wouldn’t leave the locker room of a community swimming pool on 16th Street. He said pool officials were refusing to honor a gift certificate he wanted to use. He called 911 a second time to say that he wanted an officer there when he removd his belongings, and that he wanted to citizen’s arrest three people for extortion. He said he couldn’t leave the locker room because this terrible trio of newfound enemies would destroy his belongings. Police negotiated an orderly exit.

1:48 p.m. A woman with what was described as “a large amount” of drugs in her motel room was reported harassing and heatedly arguing with the staff. The person was warned away on pain of trespassing.

3:30 p.m. A citizen reported a vehicle burglary via a back-window smash with a cordless drill, backpack, gym bags and miscellany stolen. The theft took place in June, 2010.

9:17 p.m. An after-hours cleaning service employee was reported wearing a khaki shirt.

• Friday, March 2 12:02 a.m. A man in blue shorts and blue “MICHIGAN STATE” t-shirt was reported going in and out of an Alliance Road mini-mart with disquieting frequency.

1:02 a.m. The pride of Michigan returned to the convenience store to get in some quality time beating on the ground outside with a stick. Police found the meandering Michigander and sent him on his way.

8:34 a.m. A large vehicle was reported left idling in place for two days in front of a Valley West university of metaphysical sciences. Police knocked to see if anyone was inside, but got no response. Sherrif’s deputies arrived and made forced entry, but the rumbling vehicle was unoccpied. The driver was located and advised not to leave the vehicle running all the time.

8:47 a.m. A man was reported ripping up what’s left of the plants on the Plaza. He was found and cited for malicious mischief.

9:12 a.m. A man in a camouflage jacket was easily detected filling up several containers with soda at an Alliance Road gas station, then refusing to pay for them. He must never return.

11:33 a.m. An Antoinette Court resident opened some mail addressed to a former resident and discovered an unspecified sum of money. The intended recipient called police to report that the mail opener was requesting a “finder’s fee” of $57,000. Police told the current resident that opening other people’s mail is a federal offense. He said he had returned the money and didn’t get any finder’s fee.

5:05 p.m. A female HSU student is well and truly creeped out by the man who “monitors” her as she comes and goes from her home. Staring is involved.

6:32 p.m. He wasn’t the first Arcata roommate to come home and find all his stuff out in the yard. Nor the first to protest that he was paid through month’s end, or that some of the cast-out possessions were missing.

• Saturday, March 3 4:05 p.m. When you pose in front of graffiti in a well-monitored alley, expect friendly policepersons to come and interview you.”

6:25 p.m. Another roommate banishment, with the possessions left on a porch.

8:58 p.m. A woman had a “mood swing” after a fight with her boyfriend.

• Sunday, March 4 12:35 a.m. A man in a blue hoodie with a scary knife in a sheath tried to sell marijuana to passersby on Giuntoli Lane, only to repair to a nearby trailer park where he couldn’t be located.

11:04 a.m. Some people who had been kicked out of a G Street party the previous night came back the next day wishing to fight about it. Somehow, a window became damaged, reflecting the jagged shards of emotional ruin the enpooped partiers were feeling, accounting for their lashout.

2:44 p.m. A K Street resident reported a drunken woman taking pictures of his house, then driving away. She then returned to throw a beer bottle through the window of his car.

3:20 p.m. A Hallen Drive resident reported someone having entered the home during the night, stealing pay stubs and personal information but leaving valuables. Creepily, this happened while occupants were there, asleep.

4:47 p.m. A “significant amount” of blood was found splattered all over the entrance to a downtown night spot, but the bouncer wasn’t aware of any extraordinary strife or gorings there the previous night.