Anti-Aging Activists Articulate Neighborly Sex And Death Wishes – May 11, 2012

Friday, May 11, 2012

• Tuesday, April 10 9:53 a.m. A man and woman argued on Baldwin Street, with the man claiming that he had killed her grandmother. An officer arrived as she waited out front for the grandma to pick her up. When the man refused to secure an aggressive animal, it was pepper sprayed by the officer.

12:06 p.m. A man was reported hanging upside down in a tree, and a witness was fearful that he might plummet to earth. Reads the dispatcher narrative: “Out with one, in a tree.”

• Wednesday, April 11 2:22 a.m. A Union Street apartment dweller reported frickin’ laser beams being shone into his apartment.

10:51 a.m. The town crier, or blithering howly-growler, as the case may be, made his nightly rounds at 10th & O streets.

3:14 p.m. A mother complained that her daughter may be within 20 yards of a cannabis grow, something prohibited by the custody agreement. An officer didn’t locate the father or child at his business, and found no violation.

3:49 p.m. A car blazed down Fickle Hill Road at impressive speed, its driver jabbering on a cell phone. The car was located downtown and the owner sent a warning letter.

5:50 p.m. A lower H Street resident reported a fearsome foursome of abrasive neighbors antagonizing him at every turn. Just recently, while walking past his front door, one of the caustic quartet greeted him in felicitous fashion with, “I wish you would die, motherfucker.” And on this day, when the resident meekly tried to say, “hi,” he was further reviled with blatantly ageist rhetoric to the effect of, “Fuck you, old man.”

10:05 p.m. A resident in the 1300 block of H Street reported her home burgled. Stolen was $200 cash, three portable computers, an iPod and chargers. Total loss: $8,000.

• Thursday, April 12 2:07 p.m. A gray-bearded man in a trench coat was reported making his way across the Seventh Street freeway overpass with a claw hammer in his hand.

3:22 p.m. People caught picking fiddlehead ferns at Aldergrove Marsh were told not to. The succulent spirals are popular in Asian cuisine.

8:13 p.m. At Cedar Drive and Ponderosa Way, a pizza delivery driver reported a rock thrown at her piemobile, and the manager said the vehicle had been vandalized. It all added up to an arrest for delicious mischief.

10:27 p.m. 

Out on the Way named Wisteria

The thudding was not so mysteria

A house emanated


Police tamped the drumming hysteria

• Friday, April 13 5:53 a.m. An upper H Street resident reported a strange person sleeping in his living room. Police found the person not only strange, but drunk, and packed him off to jail. While they were there, they found some signs stolen from the City of Arcata, Caltrans and Humboldt County Public Works, and recovered them.

11:25 a.m. A woman rented a car in her name, but it was actually for her daughter and her boyfriend, who were instructed to return it “by Friday.” That was two months ago, and since then the fun-loving couple drove it to San Francisco and Sacramento, and have refused to return it. With the rental company threatening to file stolen vehicle charges, an officer called the young rascals and told them to return the car.

12:34 p.m. The arboreal majesty of Redwood Park proved an enchanting spot for three men in a van to inject drugs into their circulatory systems, as witnessed by a passerby. Police soon interviewed six vein-glorious vansters and had their syringemobile towed.

11:07 p.m. 

Loud drumming was sound for the sight

Of marchers reversing the blight

Of sexist oppression

A noisy procession

Marched downtown to Take Back The Night

11:46 p.m. At a lower H Street address well familiar to police, a woman’s voice was heard saying “go home” over and over for 10 minutes. Police didn’t find her, just two other people who hadn’t heard anything like that.

• Saturday, April 14 2:32 a.m. A vehicle with bikes tied to the back was parked in a G Street alley, blasting music and ejaculating beer cans from the windows.

4:33 a.m. An unhappy man told University Police that he’d be “taking matters into his own hands,” a bad idea on multiple levels. The matter apparently didn’t escalate.

6:04 a.m. Just one vehicle was left overnight on the Plaza to block spaces at the Farmers’ Market, a significant improvement over years past. It was towed.