Nitrous-Betingled Pornlifters Charge iThingies During Parking Lot Daycare Sesh – June 3, 2012

• Tuesday, May 1 9:03 a.m. A discourteous Villa Way vehicle burglar took $300 in property, smashed out the rear window and broke two side mirrors.

9:05 a.m. After being struck in the head by her boyfriend, a woman hid from him behind an Aldergrove Road telephone pole and called 911. When pressed for details, she said, “I don’t feel comfortable giving you the information,” and hung up. Sheriff’s deputies located her and took her to the hospital. The on-call judge was also contacted for reasons unspecified.

11:10 a.m. Young men appropriated Cahill Park for their exclusive use by stringing up a high wire rope across the playground, then turning their three dogs loose. Police arrived to explain to them that there are in fact, other people in the world, some of them children, who might also like to use the park.

1:54 p.m. A man who plunked down in an I Street store’s parking lot for an extended bout of nitrous oxide-huffing was said to be “extremely high,” and was soon extremely arrested on a warrant.

6:38 p.m. A woman who charged $5 in gasoline at a downtown station got home to find that her account had been debited $150. A fraud case was initiated.

• Wednesday, May 2 9:55 a.m. A Janes Creek Road man left his wallet in his unlocked car overnight, the result being that his debit card was used to purchase an Xbox online.

1:01 p.m. A Villa Way resident had a party the previous weekend which was attended by a number of uninvited guests caught attempting to steal expensive items. They were asked to leave, but days later, one returned, driving past the home in some sort of disguise and making gun-firing gestures with his hand.

9:50 p.m. An Eye Street resident reported that two weeks previous, two people stole a baby rabbit from her home after they found out that it was going to be used for meat. She wasn’t sure it survived the theft, since it was removed from the nest at a very young age.

• Thursday, May 3 4:16 a.m. As a supermarket employee headed into town for a pre-dawn shift, a mountain lion ran in front of his vehicle. The big cat then “galloped” in front of his car down Beverly Drive near Virginia Way for about a block.

6:58 a.m. Slithy toves were spotted at Alliance Road and 27th Street trying car doorhandles. One was seen closing the door to a neighbor’s car. Two tovish-types were located and given probation searches, but no contraband was found.

9:43 a.m. Someone reported a “wonder bar” in the roadway on Samoa Boulevard west of the freeway. It was said to be quite large, and therefore, all the more wonderful.

12:40 p.m. A woman checking out of a Valley West motel had a difficult time managing the transfer of her baby and luggage from the room to her car.

3:32 p.m. A teacher at Stewart School located what appeared to be freshly-shed boa constrictor skin outside Room 200 facing the park. An officer figured it had fallen off someone’s exotic pet, and no big snakes were seen in the area.

7:06 p.m. A woman had a scheduled phone call visitation with her young daughter, who is in the custody of a downtown cannabis center operator. The child isn’t supposed to be inside the center, and yet the mom heard phones ringing in the background and people talking about “patients.” Police spoke with the child’s grandfather, who said neither she nor her father had been at the Ninth Street business all day.

7:09 p.m. Someone left the keys in their car’s ignition at a Uniontown supermarket, and in under two minutes, it had duly ignited and driven off. Police looked for it out Jackson Ranch Road, but the CHP soon found the car with the keys still in it out in Glendale at Greenhill. It was released to the owner, the whole escapade taking about two hours and 15 minutes.

10:02 p.m. The mountain lion was seen running into a driveway where Fickle Hill Road, Park Avenue and Hill Street converge.

10:21 p.m. A two-house party on Chester Avenue reached block-annoying proportions.

• Friday, May 4 1:45 a.m. An 11th Street man notified the ’hood at maximum volume of his intention to kill himself.

10:39 a.m. A passerby came upon a small child playing in the street outside a Valley West pre-school. She stopped to talk to the toddler, and he said he was looking for his mom. The tot was missing a shoe and was cold to the touch. She took the little boy inside the school and asked the staff if he was in their care. They said yes, and hadn’t known the child was missing. The caller was concerned about the child and the facility, so police paid a call. The head teacher and the child’s parent, who had already been notifed, were contacted. The boy and the other kids there were all right, the gate was secure and the teacher said she would file the mandatory report with the state.

10:54 a.m. A man picking up take-out food at a Valley West drive-through window turned to place his delectable McGriddle sandwich on the passenger seat when someone took the opportunity to suckerpunch him through the open driver’s side window.

1:10 p.m. A shoeless man in shorts and rainbow shirt was seen at Fifth and F streets running and yelling, “I’m going to kill everybody! I’m going crazy!”

1:49 p.m. During a visit with their children, a woman’s ex got snitty and broke the coffee table, then flung the table leg against the wall.

4 p.m. A woman reported six nylon shopping bags stolen from her home, and suspected her caregiver in the theft.

4:11 p.m. Two floor jacks left outside a K Street gas station didn’t survive the night.

6:21 p.m. A process server said that after serving papers on a man at the entrance to a Valley West mobile home park, he threw the papers out of the car and into the street. The woman said that she could not legally go back and get the papers, but that they had bank account and other personal  information in them.

• Saturday, May 5 4:58 a.m. Oh, the many ways people make life difficult for Portia, starting with leaving their cars on the Plaza overnight to occupy farmers’ stalls on market morning. The cars were cited and towed in time for the influx of shoppers and their dogs.

8:08 a.m. A shaven-headed man somehow entered a gated community on Old Arcata Road, triggering multiple calls to police. After asking one horrified resident for gas money, reports came in of the bald man and his unsavoury cohorts breaking into vehicles and ingesting drugs. The matter was turned over to sheriff’s deputies.

10:59 a.m. A church representative reported harassing e-mail messages being sent by an Arcata resident.

11:46 a.m. An H Street businessperson said a street sign blew over onto her vehicle.

9:06 p.m. A woman was heard screaming that she was having a bad trip on mushrooms. Police found her with two other “fairly calm” subjects deep in the Community Forest, but they were all throughly ripped on one thing or another. Police took them all in on public drunkenness charges.

A caller from I Street reported

That peace was disturbed and distorted

Cops found no one there

Though beats filled the air

From nearby, where drummers cavorted

An upsurge in Plaza percussion

Meddled with key snoozing functions

Of tired hotel stayers

When cops found drum players

Their bongos were doomed to extunction

7:09 p.m. Ill-behaved patrons at a Northtown erotic supply depot purchsed nitrous oxide, which they apparently thought justified their stealing a torch lighter, packets of sexual lubricant, a card game and two packs of pornographic playing cards. Before repairing to the parking lot to suck down the brain-tingling gas canisters’ contents, the two women and a man plugged in their iPod and cell phone and left them for a courtesy charge. As the charging and huffing took place, an employee reported the theft and noticed children in their car. Police arrived within six minutes and arrested the man on charges of intent to breathe, inhale or ingest for the purpose of causing the condition of intoxication, elation, euphoria, dizziness, stupefaction or dulling of the senses or for the purpose of, in any manner, changing, disorting or disturbing the audio, visual or mental processes; and manufacturing, causing to be manufactured, importing into the state, keeping for sale, offering or exposing for sale or giving, lending or possessing any cane sword. The car was impounded, so the women and kids – presumably relieved of the porn-tidbits – toddled off to wait for a licensed, yet less licentious driver to pick them up.

7:32 p.m. A slender but hysterical man ran through a Valley West motel parking lot yelling about someone hiding his wife and child.

7:45 p.m. After a man and woman fought, she left and he chased her in a car. She was afraid to go home, and called her mom from a gas station. Mom told her to get a hotel room and that she would pay for it, then would try to get her into a safe house in Fort Bragg in the morning. The mom then got a creepy text message from the man stating, “Isn’t it pretty? You want to see it, don’t you? But you can’t.” An attachment to the text message couldn’t be opened.

• Monday, May 7 10:05 a.m. A slightly built fellow was reported pleasuring his wispy self about 50 feet north of a California Avenue market.

1:25 p.m. More than $4,000 in equipment was stolen from a locked trailer parked in the 100 block of Samoa Boulevard overnight, yet it showed no signs of forced entry.

5:10 p.m. A man in a blue jumpsuit howled insensibly at the Plaza’s center. The maundering monotard was cited for disturbing the peace.

8:46 p.m. By way of emphasizing an important point during an argument with employees at a Northtown shop, a woman threw her sandwich at them and then scuttled off over the pedestrian footbridge.