Is That A Hammer In Your Pocket Or Did You Just Want To Read My Butt? – July 14, 2012

Saturday, July 14, 2012

• Friday, June 7 12:14 p.m. A woman left her purse, containing credit cards and $300, in her car at the Marsh. Needless to say, it was not there when she returned.

3:19 p.m. A house on Cedar Drive hosts more than a dozen feral cats, according to a neighbor, and one was dying on the porch. The resident said he’d take the feral cat, singular, to the shelter the next day.

4:30 p.m. A woman was described as banging on a fence board, then hanging from it at Foster Avenue and Alliance Road. She then stalked off southward carrying a purse and what looked like scissors or a small knife. She was admonished.

6:55 p.m. A sketchy drama played out near a Valley West golden arches, where something known only as “Kevin” reportedly made a youth take off his shoes and give them to him. The shaven-headed aggressor also demanded $20 which he claimed was “owed” him, and held the kid in a headlock to compel payment. Police found the enKevined youth undamaged, and the conflict fizzling out.

8:20 p.m. A “heated argument” took place at the Skate Park.

8:25 p.m. Travelers kicked out of Valley West’s least elegant motel piled their belongings up near the fence by the freeway and loitered around, possibly preparing to camp there. Coincident with police arrival, the travelers were packing up their stuff to continue their journey.

8:46 p.m. A man was left with a scratched, bleeding chin after an attack by a large woman who continued to follow him on Alliance Road. She said something about this being “her county” as she attacked him. The woman was arrested on an assault charge.

9:16 p.m. A woman said that she was a witness to a murder which took place three or four years ago, and that one of the people “put away” for it had just been released from prison. She said her current husband had married her just to keep her in the area so that the suspects could wreak vengeance on her when they were released. The woman felt that she was being watched, and had seen a “bald head” behind the backyard fence for the past several nights. She asked for “protection,” and the area was placed under extra patrol.

11:11 p.m. A man and woman had “a little bit of an argument” on Airstream Avenue, and somehow 911 was dialed. The woman said this was a mistake, and the man left the house for the night.

11:32 p.m. A woman said her ex-husband was calling her up and begging her to let him spend the night.

• Saturday, June 8 10:43 a.m. A fathered reported that a silver minivan ran a stop sign at Zehndner and S streets – again – and struck his eight-year-old son as he was walking to school, knocking him down. The dad said the driver stopped to check on the child, but blamed him for the collision and left.

4:09 p.m. Someone took someone’s dog in a Uniontown parking lot, claiming it was theirs to begin with.

7:44 p.m. A man described as having been drinking and possessing knives reportedly tackled his wife as she fled to the safety of neighbors after an argument. He was arrested on a spousal abuse charge.

9:48 p.m. A woman said that she had just been fired from her job following threats from an ex-boyfriend who used to beat her.

• Sunday, June 9 3:49 p.m. An insomniac raccoon investigated a Charles Avenue backyard.

5:59 p.m. A backpack left in a car around 11 a.m. was smash-and-grabbed by evening.

8:19 p.m. A neighbor complained that a pit bull had been left tied to the porch of a Patrick Court grow house for several days, and that it cries all the time. An officer found the dog OK and the resident there. There was no current grow, though lighting equipment could be seen through the side window.

9:05 p.m. A man called from Valley West, upset about what happened when he tried to pet a dog being walked by a man and woman. She had told him to “watch his mouth,”referring to the dog, and he felt that she was disrespecting him because he is Asian. He didn’t have time to wait for an officer as he had things to do.

• Tuesday, June 11 1:27 a.m. A man said his delusional girlfriend claimed to have found cyanide in the garage, and was looking for her car keys. But since she was under the influence of narcotics, he said, she shouldn’t drive. An officer found her apparently unencumbered by either intoxicants or paranoia, and once the boyfriend surrendered her keys, she and the dog left.

8:04 a.m. A car at Eastern and Western avenues was attacked overnight, with the exterior keyed and all four tires slashed.

1:55 p.m. A woman said that after disrespecting people at a Beverly Drive address, her cat went missing. She believed that the residents had killed the cat, and she was moving away from the place with all due dispatch.

4:45 p.m. A woman left her blue and white Cannondale Quick CX3 on her car bike rack in Valley West, and it proved to be little more than a handy display case for a sticky-fingered slithy tove in “bicycle friendly” Arcata.

8:12 p.m. A mother called police alluding to an attempted kidnap and murder of her daughter the previous Thursday night, but wouldn’t provide details other than to claim that “the cops and detectives are already on my side.” She said the facially scarred suspect was inside a Northtown pizza restaurant.

• Tuesday, June 12 10:02 a.m. A handicapped parking spot interloper on Diamond Drive came out to his or her car to find a costly citation underneath the windshield wiper.

12:54 p.m. A man demonstrating the intellectual prowess associated with camouflage pants was reported toilet-papering a bush outside City Hall. Following this accomplishment, he sauntered off northbound on F Street.

2:02 p.m. A man in white pants was reported lingering outside a Plaza bistro bearing a sign proclaiming that the restaurant “sucks.” After arguments with some random passersby, and some yelling, he left.

2:03 p.m. Someone entered an 11th Street house and took a backpack containing a $1,200 laptop computer and some clothing.

• Wednesday, June 13 10:01 a.m. Xanax, that gold standard of soporific brain-happifiers, doesn’t last long when exposed to photons, even the feeble few at large in a murkily-lit tavern. It’s not that the drug itself is degraded, it just doesn’t remain under the same ownership. Take, for example, the patron who placed his X-pills on the bar, turned away for a moment, then turned back to the bar only to find his “bars,” as Xanax are known on the street, disbarred.

4:17 p.m. A woman who lives near the Community Forest said a man she has seen treading about on the trails left a note on her house asking if he could shower there.

9:16 p.m. A clueless dude with a stylish leather jacket and goatee parked his motorcycle outside a Bayside Road apartment complex, turned up the music and the foul language and starting working on his bike. After consenting to a search, was arrested on drug possession charges.

• Friday, June 15 1:54 p.m. After an ex-boyfriend was served with a restraining order, he reportedly called his ex-girlfriend and stated, “Now you’ve gone too far. You need to be stopped, and I’m the one to do it.”

8:42 p.m. A Valley West apartment dweller said her roommate was violating their agreement by having several bottles of perfume in the residence, and they were making her sick. She placed the sickening scents out on the porch. A restraining order was in the works, but the foully fragrant roommate said she’d be moving out anyway.

• Saturday, June 16 2:06 a.m. People walking near Eighth and G streets saw a very intoxicated, angry man carrying a purse. On seeing them, he threw the purse down and ran off. They brought it to the police station, and on walking back past the same area, they found a California ID card bearing a photo of the purse-dumper.

6:11 a.m. A man said that money had been stolen out of his pocket while he slept on the Plaza. It turned out that he had filed an identical report two weeks previous.

8 a.m. A man said he had been robbed at 11 p.m. the previous night in Tavern Alley by three men, one of whom simulated a gun inside his sweatshirt. Lost was his wallet, $200 cash and his medication. He didn’t lose his cell phone to the robbers, though, as his roommate had already stolen that.

8:41 a.m. A car parked behind an historic Plaza storehouse was burgled via its driver’s side back window. Taken was a bag containing a checkbook, keys and lunch all valued at $80.

3:45 p.m. A Union Street resident said a man wearing a plaid shirt with a flower sticking out of it and carrying a hammer approached her asking what the writing on the back of her pants meant. This, she said, made her uncomfortable.

4:32 p.m. Loose pit bulls were again reported romping on Mack Road.

5:34 p.m. A plump backpack containing a camera and clothing was left outside of a downtown brewery, and was a juicy groundscore for an unprincipled passerby.

8:45 p.m. A road-enraged man coated in tattoos from the face down drove up on the sidewalk at a Valley West shopping center and yelled at people. He was arrested for DUI and his vehicle towed.

• Sunday, June 17 10:16 a.m. A store window at 11th and G streets was kicked in during the Oyster Festival.

10:38 a.m. A Plaza business’s upstairs storage area was burgled, with tools and holiday decor valued at $6,500 taken.

2:04–3:15 p.m. An erratic-acting Bayside Road resident is alienating neighbors by “acting crazy and out-of-control,” which includes peeing on someone’s trailer.

• Monday, June 18 9:12 a.m. A grandfather asked for guidance on how his grandson might “turn his life around and become a productive young man.”

9:47 a.m. A woman used the restroom at a Plaza bar, leaving her purse behind. And when she returned, it was gone. This left her without her car keys and unable to return home.

4:19 p.m. Among the random property items harvested by thieves all over town this day was a $243.60 box of “diet pills” left on a J Street resident’s front porch by a delivery service.

5:35 p.m. A woman said that while hitchhiking, she was picked up by a vehicle containing several people who punched her in the face, shoved her out of the car and stole $500 from her bag.

6:06 p.m. A man and woman reported “stoned out of their minds” in a vehicle in a Valley West parking lot were hospitalized for overdoses.

8:17 p.m. A woman returned home to her Sixth Street residence and found her front doorknob removed and placed under the doormat.

9:51 p.m. A Wisteria Way woman got out of the shower and sprayed “icy hot” on her back, which made it sting. This triggered an unanticipated side effect, an anxiety attack.

• Tuesday, June 19 8:08 a.m. Someone found a stack of baseball and football cards at Seventh and J streets.

8:25 a.m. An overnight vehicle burglary on California Avenue netted the thief a GPS unit and glove compartment paperwork.

1:03 p.m. The nutty-obnoxious Bayside Road resident threated to kick a woman’s boyfriend’s ass, then tried to break into her home by drilling through the lock. He was deemed mentally disturbed and taken to a mental health facility.