Slithy Toves Seep And Slither Like Kleptomaniacal Fog – July 25, 2012
• Tuesday, June 19 2:59 p.m. An unlocked car on G Street readily yielded its backpack, camera, iPod and more, a $500 loss.
9:52 p.m. A woman said she was robbed at gunpoint on Sunset Avenue.
Wednesday, June 20 4:07 a.m. A lower G Street resident called reporting “someone waking up at four in the morning,” and wishing to discuss “how we are going to deal with this.”
• Thursday, June 21 5:19 a.m. A lower H Street resident leaves for work at 4:30 a.m. with considerable door-slamming fanfare and, per routine, the mandatory yelling.
3:04 p.m. A frequent fuckup was reported down in the Breakfast Club portion of the Marsh enjoying solo erotic adventure amid some bushes. Police found him in his shrubbery pleasure dome applying ointment to his nether regions, apparently afflicted with some deplorable malady best left unspecified. He was admonished for his reckless topical tincturing.
3:29 p.m. A mom went to the store in Westwood Center with her child, who was driving a Hot Wheels. They left the kiddie conveyance in the bike area, and while they were shopping, it was stolen.
• Friday, June 22 2:50 p.m. An executive director came to the police station to report an employee having confessed to embezzlement of $2,600.
• Saturday, June 23 11:54 p.m. Someone complained about a marching band in a downtown alley.
• Sunday, June 24 3:29 a.m.
Drums vilified far Highland Court
With their sleep-wrecking insolent snort
Police roved the ’hood
Found the sitch was all good
As the pounding had done an abort
4:54 a.m. A woman who went off her meds at a low-budget Valley West motel rather predictably started having visual and auditory hallucinations.
• Monday, June 25 4:38 p.m. A man left his wallet and sweatshirt in a friend’s car while he shopped in Westwood Center. On returning to the vehicle, there was no vehicle. This so-called friend and a passenger had boogied with his possessions.
• Tuesday, June 26 2:23 a.m. A raccoon was believed wedged behind the ice cooler at an Alliance Road mini-mart. Police determined that the raccoon was free to come and go as it pleased.
10:32 a.m. An overstuffed mailbox on H Street was mined for grabbable items by a passing slithy tove, who then scattered the letters all over the street.
5:02 p.m. A woman on the Plaza was reported drunk, yelling and spitting at passersby. She was compelled to salivate elsewhere.
8:33 p.m. A brown bear wearing a radio collar ravaged garbage cans in Coombs Court.
• Wednesday, June 27 9:34 a.m. A woman says cannabis growers in her neighborhood seem to hold her responsible whenever a grow house gets raided. “Every time a grow gets busted, the calls start and the trucks start driving by,” she said. She said one man previously arrested for residential cultivation “stops by wherever I am, flips me off and drives off in his truck.” A message left on this retirement-age woman’s answering machine by one brave man that morning intoned, “Hope you have a miserable day, bitch.” She believes he is a grower, and that he holds her responsible for reporting a grow in Daina Court.
11:49 a.m. Flowerjackers clipped a bunch of roses at a 14th Street house and ran away.
2:29 p.m. A pregnant woman with black eyes named the man she said had beaten her, and he was arrested.
3:52 p.m. A woman replaced her stolen cell phone and received a text message from the suspected thief stating, “I don’t know what you were thinking by stealing out of my room, even. But I’m going to have to file charges against both of you. You both have hurt me because of what? All I was trying was to help you, and this is what I get.”
7:40 p.m. A Buttermilk Lane house turned out to be a treasure trove of stolen property, apparently from area burglaries.
• Thursday, June 28 2:05 a.m. A man was arrested for making a disturbance at a drama-beleagured donut shop along with another guy who was publicly drunk. But on review of the video, it was clear that someone else had thrown the bottle. The jail was called and the wrongly impugned non-bottle thrower released. But his wobbly associate had to stay.
2:27 a.m. A cell phone found plugged into a Plaza lamp post was removed for safekeeping.
11:42 a.m. A $200 battery was stolen out of a bulldozer on Janes Road.
12:02 p.m. A gardener reportedly broke into a Third Street laundry room to use the outlets. When asked to leave, the electron hijacker reacted badly, arguing with the resident. An officer admonished the man for making threatening statements, forcing entry and unlawful use of electricity.
3:41 p.m. A lower G Street resident suspected of being on meth and alcohol had taped all his windows and left notes on his door, then moved on to dislodging a bathroom sink from its moorings.
5:46 p.m. Someone left a camera and GPS unit in a car in Baldwin Court overnight.
7:26 p.m. A horse trailer left on Weott Way overnight was relieved of a harness, bridles, reins, four halters and miscellaneous tack overnight.
• Friday, June 29 2:15 a.m. A woman peed on the floor of a Uniontown variety store and was arrested.
1:46 p.m. At the Community Park playground, a chain-smoking woman let her gray-sweatered chihuahua romp and frolic.
• Saturday, June 30 3:24 p.m. A tipsy leisure enthusiast came to the station to complain of being “suckerpunched” on the Plaza earlier. He was told to return to give a statement when he sobered up.
9:08 p.m. Upset with his infidelity, she shoved him. He held her for restraint purposes, and a struggled ensued. She called police initially complaining of neck pain, but after an officer visited, things settled down.
• Sunday, July 1 8:48 a.m. A man complained that a skunk outside his Lewis Avenue door was “acting weird and ignoring him.”
6:02 p.m. A woman was reported riding around on a green quadrunner on Poplar Avenue without a helmet but with a beer lodged between her knees. Residents at the scene were admonished.
8:55 p.m. A mother complained that her son and a number of other juveniles were supplied with beer at a party near California Avenue and L.K. Wood Boulevard.
8:58 p.m. A concerned grandma asked that police check on her grandchildren, whose mom does drugs and lets travelers live in her mobile home. An officer found the kids adequately cared for ad the house “generally clean,” though permeated with a penetrating pot/alcohol reek. The woman said that she had dropped a 12-pack of beer, causing the alcohol odor, and that well, yeah, she had smoked some dope – for medicinal purposes, of course.
• Monday, July 2 8:40 p.m. A woman complained that her husband was slamming doors and “freaking out” after guzzling some booze. A five-year-old had been struck in the head by one of the doors, but she was collateral damage in his slamming frenzy. Police found both had been drinking, and that the argument had resulted from his unhappiness over her obtaining a health club membership.
10:39 a.m. By leaving his car unlocked behind a Valley West store, a man generously donated his cell phone to a lucky slithy tove.
• Tuesday, July 3 7:58 a.m. Multiple classroom windows were broken out at an S Street charter school.
8:58 a.m. A man with a puppy was reported smoking the dope near something referred to as a “pay phone” at a Uniontown shopping center.
9:19 a.m. A Fifth Street resident complained that his locked vehicle had been broken into and rummaged through. It had been parked next to a neighbor’s vehicle which was unscathed. The victim was upset because the neighbor was refusing to file a police report.
11:01 a.m. Continuing the theme of rude skunks, an 11th Street resident reported that one had walked up to his front door and died.
11:06 a.m. A loose Corgi waddled wildly around Northtown, visiting its collarless splendor all the way from a G Street motel to upper I Street. The pudgy pooch was taken to the shelter, after which the owner called in and was directed to pick it up there.
