Burgeoning Bag Of Awful Morphs From Onerous To Odious – August 4, 2012

Saturday, August 4, 2012

• Tuesday, July 17 8:58 p.m. More items turned up missing at a burgled Golf Course Road residences, including two computers. A back door had been left unlocked.

• Wednesday, July 18 7:41 a.m. It was either a small mountain lion or the world’s burliest housecat that was glimpsed in a Spring Street backyard.

9:05 a.m. A woman said that someone was using the frightening little tools that science has made available – text, e-mail and voice mail – to deliver threats. The bombardment was making her feel suicidal.

10:51 a.m. A woman who left her cute-ute parked at the Diamond Drive entrance to the Community Forest came back after a hike to find it broken into and burgled, with numerous items missing.

11:57 a.m. Alfred either did or didn’t get into an argument with hitchhikers at his 17th and G corner.

12:18 p.m. 

Drummer-types hatched a mad plot

To throttle a calm parking lot

In H block 900

The boppingness thundered

Till cops gave beat-stopping bon mots

1:44 p.m. A woman reportedly abandoned her four children, ages 5, 4, 3 and 1, leaving them with a roommate, and no one has been able to contact her. Child Welfare Services and the Sheriff’s Office were notified.

5:39 p.m. A trash bag crammed with an unholy stew of ejectamenta turned up on an L.K. Wood Boulevard lawn. First thought to be a bag full of marijuana, the malodorous melange was then described as garbage and woody debris. The commingled substances seemed to evolve over a matter of minutes, as an arriving police officer described a fetid goulash of condoms and feces, mixed with further mind-reeling “unknown debris.” The odious admixture was taken to the Corp Yard, where they have a cadaver-rated incinerator.

5:48 p.m. A pregnant cat in distress at the Marsh was taken to the animal shelter.

• Thursday, July 19 3:30 a.m. A thoroughly cocktailed man found hazardous repose in the roadway on Samoa Boulevard. He was deposited in the drunk tank.

10:50 a.m. A man came to the station complaining of having been in a “funk” for two days.

12:20 p.m. A tall, bearded man dressed all in white with a walking staff committed some lunch hour messianic activity by knocking over a ladder and arguing with random individuals, including children in the area of 10th and I streets.

2:43 p.m. Out Eighth Street way by the trainless tracks, a man had a hissysnit with himself, screaming profanities and not taking the self-dressing down very amicably. An officer waded into the weeds and told the wailing want-wit to clear out.

7:05 p.m. A Sixth Street resident admitted that he had been up two or three days on meth, which may be why he was having those delusions.

• Friday, July 20 2:55 a.m. A wrong-way driver drove up H Street and parked against traffic. He then took ukelele in hand and wandered around in the middle of the street with the minute musical device. Slipping into something more comfortable, he removed his brown hoodie to reveal an underlying blue ensemble, including a quilted vest and jeans. He was encouraged to move his car and drive home, and did.

12:02 p.m. Someone plundered and pillaged a pot of flowers and blue-potted treelet from an 11th Street front porch.

2:16 p.m. A man riding a bike crashed at Ariel Way and Lorelei Lane. After he dropped to the sidewalk, said a witness, he began beating himself in the head. The man then wandered into a nearby field and wasn’t found.

6:21 p.m. Merely speeding and tailgating on ribbon-thin Buttermilk Lane wasn’t sufficiently reckless and obnoxious for one lout. No, he had to try to pass a resident, and as she pulled into her driveway, “laid on the horn.”

7:43 p.m. One of the multiple neighborly feuds in progress around town featured dirty looks and mocking laughter hate-beamed across the street at the despised foe.

8:57 p.m. Between the two, the loungeabouts at Sixth and F streets boasted at least one bandana, one set of camouflage pants, two open containers and as many alcohol-infused world views. This set of circumstances may have helped compel the top-volume verbal commentary they directed at passersby.

9:01 p.m. A ’90s Honda Accord was stolen from a Union Street apartment building’s lot.

11:32 p.m. A Lincoln Avenue resident returned home after being gone several hours to find a tape measure outside the front door and the dog behaving oddly.

• Saturday, July 21 4:27 p.m. A woman called 911 making nonsensical statements about being with “Debby.” She was counseled about making frivolous emergency calls.

8:37 p.m. Obnoxiousness Central may have been the Alliance Road apartment that was blasting music, with the hostess allegedly deputizing her “guests” as field agents of annoyance to deploy retaliatory knocks on the doors of any neighbors who complained.

• Sunday, July 22 8:58 a.m. A passenger-side window was smashed on Buttermilk Lane.

10:27 a.m. A car window was smashed and a purse stolen on Margaret Lane.

11:58 a.m. An unlocked vehicle on Chester Avenue was entered. Items stolen included backpacks, a rain jacket, sleeping bag, passport and Social Security card.

1:03 p.m. A man was reported yelling and throwing things at Ninth and H streets. He was upset because he had stashed his backpack in some bushes near the Skate Park, then later observed a woman downtown wearing his clothes and backpack. She “freaked out” at the accusation, but gave him his pack back. He wanted it known that his Epinephrin was missing from inside the pack.

2:04 p.m. Four slumpabouts clumped up on a lawn at 12th and J streets, smoking pot and letting a dog romp unleashed.

3:13 p.m. More scrounge lizardry in a Ninth Street yard, with five leisure specialists drinking and throwing a bottle.

3:23 p.m. Three people were reported yelling and advertising something at Samoa Boulevard and G Street. An officer soon reported being “out with the shrieking car washers.”

7:13 p.m. A mother called from Southern California, unable to contact her daughter for five days through any of the modern channels – phone, texts, e-mails or Facebook. An officer went to the daughter’s home, and was told that she had several overdrawn accounts from local grocery stores. It was suggested that she was at a local reggae festival, which was ending that day.

• Monday, July 23 6:51 a.m. An officer dragged a washing machine out of the roadway in Giuntoli Lane near the freeway.

9:11 a.m. A person got his or her hand caught in an industrial shredder on West End Road. The victim was hospitalized.

9:38 a.m. A deposit bag containing $450 and a check for $1,400 was either lost or stolen.

10:08 a.m. Since his car contained an iPod, charger, pain pills and $32, a man decided to leave it unlocked in a Uniontown parking lot.

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3 Responses to “Burgeoning Bag Of Awful Morphs From Onerous To Odious – August 4, 2012”

  1. "It was either a mountain lion or the world's burliest housecat…"

    Perhaps it was a bobcat?

    #63945
  2. Andrew Isaac

    Kevin, Kevin. Tall, all in white, staff– that's wizardry, not messianics..

    #63961
  3. Or the Good Humor Man's humor has soured…

    #63967

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