Freelance Foot-Fondler Foments Falsehoods – September 8, 2012
• Monday, August 6 12:55 p.m. An orange cat started showing up at a Blakeslee Avenue house, where it kept trying to run inside.
3:54 p.m. A woman locked her keys and one-year-old baby granddaughter in her car in a Uniontown parking lot. UPD, with its special expertise in these matters, opened up the car and saved the day.
5:02 p.m. A mixed-up schmoe on Samoa Boulevard “mistook” someone’s backyard barbecue for trash and was caught fixing to steal it. When confronted, he gave it back and schlepped onward.
6 p.m. At the end of the world, or at least Todd Court, past the ineffectual “END” sign, two people were reported lingering with a “bong” protuberating.
6:59 p.m. An unwell man briefly locked himself in an Alliance Road apartment, where he stated that he was armed and wanted to kill himself. Located in the parking lot, he self-committed to a mental health facility.
7:46 p.m. A Baldwin Avenue resident reported that his summer roommate had ripped him off for some rent and a $150 computer, and was headed for San Francisco.
9:50 p.m. A man complained that his girlfriend was refusing to leave his home. An officer found that they had been arguing over an unexpected pregnancy.
• Tuesday, August 7 8:16 a.m. A man was reported refusing to get off a bus. Someone called 911 on a cell phone, so the call went to the CHP, which relayed it to APD. When an officer arrived, the man had made an inelegant exit by tripping, falling out of the bus and breaking his wrist. After a trip to the hospital, he went to the place for people with addled brains.
10:50 a.m. An estranged wife called police about the ex-husband taking their three-and five-year-old children into “pot clubs,” and wanted to know what to do about it.
4:04 p.m. A woman left her jacket and cell phone at the center of the Plaza for a half hour. When she returned, these items had rather predictably left with someone else.
9:10 p.m. A woman said that she had received information that her son was staying in a tent in the “glass field” area. When she drove past the area, she noticed some graffiti that looked like his penmanship style.
9:25 p.m. A man said his ex-girlfriend had intentionally slammed his hand in a door.
• Wednesday, August 8 7:47 a.m. A man said that his nephew had been arrested, so the man paid a friend of the nephew to move the car to make room for the Farmers’ Market. Now this friend was refusing to send the man property which had been inside the car, and was demanding more money for his services.
10:26 a.m. A Courtyard Circle resident reported losing her dog, but that her brother saw a woman walking it and recovered it. She knew it was hers because of its hernia, missing teeth, hair loss on her back from an allergy to medication and other medical problems. Now the woman who had taken the ailing pooch was constantly walking by the dog owner’s house and trying the door to see if anyone is home.
11:17 a.m. Last year’s podiatrist-without-portfolio has re-emerged, his enduring mission: to fondle the feet of women in Valley West. He’d importuned women to massage their feet using various ruses in the past, and now had a new one. He’d attended some classes at a reflexology center without formally enrolling in the course, but now was approaching women in a Valley West parking lot and offering reflexology treatments in the center’s name.
12:27 p.m. A Stewart Avenue car suffered a slash and smash – to two tires and the windshield.
2:40 p.m. A drunk man pumping gas at a Samoa Boulevard gas station offered a drink to someone passing by.
6:38 p.m. A Chihuahua found wandering in the lobby of a Valley West motel was taken to the county shelter.
6:40 p.m. Its steep terrain doesn’t make it the most convenient place to do drug deals, but for outdoorsy dopers, the many trees and obscure removes of Sunny Brae Park make it an appealing spot for certain surreptitious transactions.
8:44 p.m. A woman staggered into a Valley West gas station store and tried to buy alcohol. She left in handcuffs and leg restraints with her car towed and dog taken to the shelter.
• Thursday, August 9 9:36 a.m. A Chester Avenue resident caught a red-haired man trying to dump a suitcase in her or his trash. The attempt was repelled, and the man slumped away with his unwanted luggage.
• Friday, August 10 10:53 a.m. A drunken man on lower H Street complained that he had given his nephew $100 to buy beer, but the lad absconded with the brew bucks, never to return.
11:46 a.m. The great thing about living next to the Community Forest on Fickle Hill Road is that you can always nip across the street to dump your yard waste, or fire up the chainsaw and grab some firewood.
2:57 p.m. A man with a little girl about six years old was seen lurking around Stewart Park in a suspicious manner. Asked why, the paragon of parenting said he was looking for a place where his band could practice and that “when witnesses are gone, I will bash your car.”
3:11 p.m. A twenty-something man in camo pants with a guitar on his back was seen snooping into cars on lower H Street. He told an officer he was “waiting for a friend,” presumably one who would pop out of one of the cars there. He left the area.
7:28 p.m. Some sort of imposter cable guy went around Wisteria Way saying he was with Suddenlink Communications. Police found his car nearby bearing the company’s sticker.
10:12 p.m. F Street’s Mischief Lab flared, literally, with pyrotechnic artistry and sufficient house-shaking noise to unsettle one neighbor. However, the City and Fire Department (which are two separate, unrelated agencies) had both signed off on the fiery spectacle. What wasn’t helpful were the uncooperative spectators blocking F Street.
10:50 p.m. When his friend, Tittle, wouldn’t talk to him, Anthony had little choice but to fling housewares at the apartment walls. Despite, the screaming, fighting and crashing, the two parties said it hadn’t been physical combat and both felt safe.
11:51 p.m. When $45o cash was left in an unlocked vehicle’s glove compartment at Alliance Road and Foster Avenue, things did not go well. For the owner, that is. For the inevitable opportunivore, it was a grand occasion.
• Saturday, August 11 8:21 a.m. A citizen found the 20 gauge shotgun rounds he’d heard firing off the previous night, The shells littered Old Arcata Road just north of Jacoby Creek School.