Torpor Temporarily Tempers Testosterone-Tinged Tempests – September 30, 2012
• Monday, August 20 2:06 p.m. A Hallen Drive resident suffering from depression and paranoid episodes was going to see about changing her medication.
2:32 p.m. An Eye Street resident looking out the window saw a neighbor who has previously been arrested for drug possession dig up a plastic bag with a white substance inside, then go back in the house.
That classic pair – bongos and dog
Let loose, caused a Ninth and H clog
By passive aggression
Not cool, cops suggested
Through veils of cannabis fog
3:05 p.m. A passenger-side window left open in the 1600 block of H Street was all a slithy tove needed to snatch up a “field radio.”
5:02 p.m. A Wyatt Lane resident notified police that the four turkeys cavorting on their roof didn’t belong to them, should anyone call to complain.
7:37 p.m. Dispatches flooded in from a 27th Street residence, where four large turkeys were holding an Occupy Front Yard waddle-in. But whether due to the traditional internal disputes, the usual waning of interest or other movement-gobbling issues, the fowlsome foursome left before police arrived.
7:43 p.m. A rabid skunk in Van Dyke Court was imperiling domestic animals, so a resident dispatched it to a far better place. In the interim, it went to a far hotter place – the Corp Yard incinerator.
8:14 p.m. On Seventh Street, goats perambulated through a hold in a fence to mill about in a neighboring apartment building’s parking lot – because they could.
8:40 p.m. On leaving a 13th Street market place, a blonde woman in bright green pants helped herself to a plant which she hadn’t paid for. She was last seen in the company of a male consort wearing a bright red “beehive” cap.
9:14 p.m. The loud rummaging sounds coming from bushes on Charles Avenue were likely the bear or bears that have been pillaging trash cans in the area.
9:21 p.m. A possible pseudo-cable guy clad in full SuddenLink regalia was again reported knocking on doors, this time on Sunset Avenue.
10:29 p.m. A white pickup truck kept stopping on L.K. Wood Boulevard, but when approached, would lurch ahead. Arriving police found no sign of the herky-jerky lorry.
• Tuesday, August 21 7:50 a.m. An ailing opossum with one foot in the grave turned up near an apartment playground on Samoa Boulevard. An officer assisted it to its final destination.
11:24 a.m. Someone wrote a fake check in a lower G Street business’s name and used it to purchase $3,200 in welding equipment in Sacramento.
Ninth Street, where travelers waddle
At H, they carouse at full throttle
All chuggin’ the nugs
While they guzzle and glug
All swigging a passed-around bottle
1:50 p.m. Someone climbed through the window of an Arial Way house and stole a MacBook Pro, TV and a suitcase.
3:54 p.m. A bearded man on F Street drank himself into defunctional torpidity, his two pit bulls lacking guidance from their moribund master. He was drunk tanked and the pooches released to the care of a friend.
11:53 p.m. A man called 911 to report a black bear “ran really close to him” on Shirley Boulevard. News of the passerbear was forwarded to patrol officers.
• Wednesday, August 22 2:03 a.m. For once, they who leave bags of trim here and there in the night were, allegedly, caught in the act at the Community Park, and arrested.
7:19 a.m. A woman in a pink dress was trying to return merchandise at a 13th Street market place, and her demeanor was sufficiently odd that store officials called APD to check on her well-being. But before police arrived, she rode off on a matching pink bike.
10:52 a.m. Some marijuana found in a Plaza tavern was turned in to police, never to be smoked.
11:41 a.m. Someone parked a car partly blocking the drive-thru lane at a Vallet West golden arches, then tied a dog to it.
8:15 p.m. Two men, one in a plaid shirt with a baseball cap, peed in the street at Bayview and 12th streets.
8:19 p.m. After purchasing items from a Westwood Center store, a patron and three cohorts got in a van and didn’t leave, loitering so as to “mad dog” the store’s employees. They’d left when police arrived.
• Thursday, August 23 9:59 a.m. A woman brought her elderly father’s WWII-vintage Russian pistol to APD. It was loaded, and she wanted someone who knew how to take the bullets out. Assistance provided.
10:34 a.m. Someone smashed the driver’s-side window on a car parked on L.K. Wood Boulevard, stealing a pack of cigarettes and leaving blood on the door.
1:10 p.m. Someone entered an unlocked gate on Fifth Street and stole three pairs of shoes and a watch worth $350.
2:15 p.m. A child attending a Redwood Park camp found a gallon ziplock bag full of marijuana. Police retrieved it.
3:56 p.m. Someone found a bag on Valley East Boulevard, and inside was a pill bottle full of cannabis.
8:45 p.m. A man was found with a needle hanging out of his arm and turning blue at Samoa Boulevard and H Street. He was revived and hospitalized.
• Friday, August 24 10:16 a.m. A physician staying at a a Plaza hotel said she witnessed a large group of juveniles enter the bars the previous night and purchase $1 beers. She said she was “appalled.”
2:28 p.m. Wilson Street roommates argued over a stolen Smith & Wesson Model 66 .357 caliber handgun. The loaded weapon had been left in a tupperware container in a closet.
2:39 p.m. A customer argued over installation of a $25 tire at a Samoa Boulevard business, and drove off without paying.
4:21 p.m. Someone left two duffle bags full of assorted tools in the open bed of a pickup truck on West End Road. Gone.
• Saturday, August 25 2:28 a.m. After a wholly unnecessary contretemps at a relatively mellow Plaza bar, a drunk wandered down the donut shop alley to a parking lot, where he was tased and cuffed.
7:47 a.m. A female person of unknown age complanied about a youth sitting in a California Avenue parking lot who had slapped her on her “tosh.”
1:49 p.m. Brent has been acting up lately, his normally congenial placard-waving giving way to more obstreperous (if similarly ineffectual) forms of protest. For reasons known only to him, the brazen Brentster paused his cardboard sign-brandishing/humanity-saving labors long enough to repeatedly press the handicapped door-opening button on an H Street store’s entrance. Despite the short-lived frenzy of anarchic button-pressing, Babylon and its consumerism-crazed sheeple remain in business, largely oblivious as well to the health-giving benefits of “dandy lions.”
3:29 p.m. Ever resplendent in his messianic beige linens and philosopher-style beard, Brent made his way to 17th and G streets, where he stood on the corner and yelled about “combustion.” A woman there was afraid to leave her house because of the externally Christ-like figure yelling at her.
• Sunday, August 26 12:11 a.m. A hundred-something texts from an ex-girlfriend later, a rock hurtled through a Lewis Avenue man’s front window. Remarkably, none of the tactics helped restore their relationship, he didn’t want to press charges, but police did talk to her and warned her of trespass should she return.
12:41 a.m. That volatile juice that has made the planet such a placid place – testosterone – was in abundant supply at 10th and F streets, as three men yelled and challenged other males to fight. Suitably impressed with themselves, they then went inside their dank, dark, bongwater-saturated manly-man cave.
12:19 p.m. Someone physically ran over the top of a pickup truck on upper H Street, leaving footprints on the upper surfaces.