Tim Martin: How Can I Be More Like Mitt? – October 31, 2012

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Please, I need your help. I’ve got this problem. I was exposed to the hippie movement back in the 1960s when folks wanted to end war, make love, and have world peace. All that countercultural gobbledygook and second-hand pot smoke must have made me soft in the head, because I’ve never been able to walk over people to get where I want or view others solely as a function of my needs. I have power over no one, yet I’m somehow satisfied with my life.

Depressing, huh?

I wish I could be more like Mitt Romney who is bold and pushy and never worries about stepping on the toes of others to get where he’s going. He isn’t hamstrung by dumb stuff like honesty or affection or a desire to please. No way. For him, that’s all a bunch of hooey.

Mitt hopes to become our next president, you know. He’s certainly got the chops for the job. The man is a world-class in-your-face politician, as focused on the task of leadership as a bullet in flight. He knows how to stretch the truth, too. When Mitt’s right, he’s right. And when he’s wrong, he’s also right.

But Mitt is never wrong. That’s how he got where he is today.

I’ll probably never be as powerful or successful as our future president. Somehow, I never mastered the art of exploitation and manipulation. I wasn’t born with a fat trust fund and a divinely-inspired belief that I could impose my wishes and worldviews on others. Like most Americans, I’ve been content with a simple job, a mediocre retirement and my “government aid,” or social security.

Yes, I’m a dismal failure. I’m one of the lazy 47 percent.

I wish I could be more like Mitt. I’d like to develop a fondness for firing people and making large sums of money in the process. It would be fun to brag about my plans to stamp out health care for the elderly, cut injured veterans benefits and snatch food stamps from the poor as I cruised around the Cayman Islands in my 150-foot party yacht. But that takes someone without a scrap of consciousness. It takes a politician like Mitt.

That’s what makes him so dynamic, you know. He’s huge and worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Mitt’s drinking from a vat of pure cream and we’re not even near the milk dish. Here’s another thing I like about him: Mitt’s not afraid to crush everyone in his path, friend and foe alike, in his quest for power. He isn’t troubled by bossy female moderators or angry complaints that he straps the dog on the roof of his car. Why should he care? When Mitt becomes president there won’t be an ASPCA.

You gotta admire that kind of chutzpah.

How can I be more like Mitt? What would it take to be a super-powerful giant who sends jobs to China, destroys the lives of tens of thousands of American workers and enjoys compensation by the truckload? Do I need to join a cult? Get a job at Bain Capital? Must I no longer view others (especially women) as free and equal? Should I fabricate lies like a spider spins webs and never be embarrassed by my own greed?

Maybe that will help me rise to the top like gas bubbles in a bottle of Dom Perignon? You think?

What’s that? You can’t wrap your mind around Mitt’s voracity and self-indulgence? Get over it, you sniveling bottom feeder. If you don’t have the stomach for success, you might want to consider working for the Salvation Army and spending your evenings dumpster diving. Personally, I’m taking the path to power and lucrative stock options. I’m climbing aboard Mitt’s money train.

Sure, folks are going to hate me because I hold all the chips and assert complete control over those around me. Who cares? This isn’t some popularity contest. The goal here is to make lots of money and have other people fear and respect you.

To create a belief system like Mitt’s, though, I’ll have to start deluding myself, pronto. I’ll make demands on my friends. I’ll spend hours each day holding my family’s feet to the fire and keeping those around me marching in lockstep. I’ll be so mean it will curl your nose hairs.

I can do that, I think.

Heck, I’m already developing my selfishness within. I’m letting my ego flower and become a white-hot energy center of authority. I’m watching the universe rotate around me, not vice-versa. Right now, I’m getting ready to pink slip a factory full of little people and send their jobs overseas. Mitt is going to love me for it.

Tim Martin is the author of numerous young adult novels, including Rez Rock and Summer With Dad. His book Fast Pitch (co-authored with Fieldbrook resident Jim Brown) is due out next spring with Cedar Grove Books.