911 Mistaken For Rapid-Response Cigarette-Lighting Service

Saturday, February 9, 2013

• Monday, January 7 2:05 p.m. Shirley Boulevard resident observed someone pulling into a “dangerous parking space” on the street about 7 p.m. the previous night. Occupants then got out and scratched something off the back bumper, then left in a hurry. The car’s registration tags were expired, and the steering column looked like it had been tampered with.

3:26 p.m. Some 20 “vagrants” were reported hanging out and “smoking weed” in the alley behind the bars. An officer found a dozen slouchabouts, but no Heath and Safety violations.

5:38 p.m. The Man Who Stands and Stares did his statue routine near an F Street laundromat.

5:49 p.m. A Buttermilk Lane home was entered through a side garage door and burgled of $3,000 in property.

5:53 p.m. A coat placed on a freezer at a Valley West convenience mart was stolen. It was described as a gray hoodie coat with black lining, with skulls and crosses, containing car keys, work keys, cigarettes and a lighter.

9:55 p.m. A person sitting in a car at Cahill Park said he wanted to commit suicide. He was detained at gunpoint, then committed to the nervous hospital.

• Tuesday, January 8 12:10 p.m. A woman asked that police stand by as she retrieved her daughter’s shoe from a Valley West motel. The manager, she said, was uncooperative, threatenening her and scaring her daughter. The shoe was retrieved, and the wman said she’d take matters up with the motel’s corporate office.

1:56 p.m. More “vagrants smoking weed” on H Street.

2:20 p.m. A man outside a G Street bank was reporte stepping on his dog. He and the trampled pooch were gone on police arrival.

3:19 p.m. A medium-sized white terrier mix of a dog with black spots and a red collar was seen running around in traffic in Sunny Brae. It was described as “bulky, calm and mellow” but running in the middle of the street and almost getting struck by cars.

4:04 p.m. A traveler was reported camping between a G Street home and neighboring dental office, which a resident thought might explain the $200 water bill.

4:25 p.m. After a report of threats that a woman would be beaten up, there was more promising news – the sister and mother of the threatened woman had a plan to care for her baby.

• Wednesday, January 9 1:05 p.m. Mr. Anti-Congeniality positioned himself outside an H Street shop, where, beer in hand, he lashed passersby with halitosis-borne verbal abuse. Arrested on a public drunkenness charge, he was taken to the hospital, which was to re-phone police when he was ready for booking. But the hospital’s next call to police was a request for an officer, because the man was becoming combative and confrontational with staff.

1:37 p.m. A lower G Street resident who has developed an OCD-like obsession with the 911 emergency line called again, this time reporting a “barely conscious” woman. Fire and medical were dispatched, and while they were en route, he calledd the APD business line stating that he didn’t want to speak to police or fire personnel. He was told that he couldn’t dictate the response, at which point he told the dispatcher, “I know you just want to diddle your boyfriend in New Orleans, but…” At this, he was told that the conversation was over. Soon the hospital called, asking for help with a combative patient.

5:43 p.m. A man shoved a bottle of alcohol into his pants, then took a stroll around a 13th Street store. He was confronted before he left, and cooperated. Being just a lad of 20, he wouldn’t have been able to buy the booze anyway.

6:27 p.m. A man’s inability to stand up at a Valley West shopping center aroused suspicions as to his sobriety. Police confirmed the worst –he was drunk – and arrested him.

8:37 p.m. Someone was worried that a dog might die in a car on 11th Street because of the cold. Police alerted the owner.

9:43 p.m. A lower H Street resident called 911 stating that he he had just been beaten up by guys who broke into his house. On call back, the phone rang with no answer, so officers went to the house. The man had been drinking, a lot, and claimed that two men he had allowed to stay in his home for two days had busted through his front door and thrown him on the ground. Asked what they looked like, he said, “I don’t know,” and he couldn’t provide any list of things they had stolen. He did have one pressing request for responding officers though: “Would you light my cigarette?”

10:30 p.m. Two travelers in baggy hoodies and similarly capacious panataloons, one of them wearing a hat, screamed at each other about “meth” on Alliance Road.

• Thursday, January 10 12:55 a.m. A lower H Street resident called 911, reporting someone yelling “Help!” from the house next door. Police went there, again, but there was no answer at the door, again, and his phone line was busy. He then called APD to say, “Your officers are here.” He was advised to talk to the officers, but he was drunk and uncooperative. he said he had been assaulted and that his phone was missing, but he couldn’t describe the phone. He asked that officers find it.

4:42 p.m. Three snoopgaloots – those being slithy toves who forego cover of darkness and do their hunting for fungible items in cars during daytime – were reported rooting around in a Valley West motel parking lot. The caller opinied that the three were “no strangers to speed.” They wandered off before police arrived.

• Thursday, January 10 11:20 a.m. As persons of all ages enjoyed Larson Park, a young man pulled up in a car, parked, got out and peed on the ground.

11:30 a.m. After being refused service at a Uniontown store for being drunk, a man laid down on the ground out front. He was arrested on a public drunkenness charge.

1:57 p.m. Homeland Security agents making an appearance on Eye Street went as well as one might expect, which is, not very. An agent reported people photographing and videotaping them, then blocking, even striking the government vehicle with their vehicle, refusing to get out and immobilizing the agents. The incident was logged as “suspicious.”

2:18 p.m. A snoopgaloot worked an I Street store’s parking lot, trying car doorhandles. He was arrested on an unspecified charge.

2:21 p.m. Two “skinhead guys” blocked a Samoa Boulevard store clerk’s view while a third stole another pair of boots, just like the ones they stole just after Christmas. The store had a description of their vehicle, but no license plate.

3:39 p.m. A Buttermilk Lane resident arrived at her home, pulling up behind an occupied car. As she went to her front door, the car drove away. Then she discovered that the front door was unlocked and the house had been gone through. The suspects apparently left out the back door, leaving behind a wet footprint.

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