Theatrical Review: Arcata Elementary School’s ‘Toothbrush Tales’

Monday, April 1, 2013

By Maynard Wilberforce K.B. “Theobald” Twimbleton

Arcata Eye Reporter 

Your correspondent has tackled some difficult assignments in his career, but none more grueling than the so-called “Young Thespians’ Theatre Performance” put on by Mrs. Nelcher’s second-grade class at Arcata Elementary School.

Titled “Toothbrush Tales,” this poorly written and worse-acted exercise in dental hygiene makes one pray for an abscessed tooth to offer distraction from the mess onstage.

Trouble was evident from the start as the so-called “star” of the show, Teddy Toothbrush (performed by Robbie Hastings), wobbled and stumbled across the stage as he whined and stammered through his lines. He looked too small for his toothbrush suit, and kind of like a girl. He should probably be called “Runty Robbie” from now on.

Not much better was co-star Eunice Tompkins, whose mom claimed the girl spent three weeks making her papier-mâché “Mary the Molar” costume. But the giant tooth looked more like a huge, shriveled marshmallow made by a two-year-old in about five minutes. Little Eunice failed badly at her acting and  costume design, and will probably never succeed at anything.

The rest of the cast amply demonstrated that they can’t sing or dance, have no talent, no one likes them and they won’t ever make any friends.

As far as being “young thespians,” the so-called actors seem uninterested in refining their craft. Apprised of their many shortcomings after the performance, several burst into tears, dropped their cake and ice cream and clutched at their mothers’ skirts.

Once Santa Claus hears about this, these kids won’t be getting anything for Christmas this year – or ever again.

“Toothbrush Tales” proves only that taking all the trouble of brushing your teeth is no fun and a waste of time, and that going to the dentist hurts real bad because they stick a needle the size of a pencil into your tongue and it comes out the back of your neck. Plus the dental assistant is really a witch who put a leech on a kid’s eye.