Arcata Police Log: Obstreperous Oaves Briefly Engage Grog-Sodden Prefrontal Cortexes, But Only To Throw A Bottle At That Lady
By Abigail Lovelace & Kevin L. Hoover
• Monday, March 4 3:38 a.m. A car window on Tanglewood Road was broken, with a wallet and papers taken.
7:15 a.m. A car window on Zehndner Avenue was broken and the vehicle burglarized.
11:17 a.m. A gun, camping equipment and computers were stolen from a Wilson avenue address, and two “friends” suspected of the thefts had accused each other.
2:28 p.m. A 2 a.m. car burglary in Martha Court had been interrupted before completion.
5:22 p.m. The Bravada Burglar was interrupted stealing a jewelry box from Connie’s house on Virginia Avenue.
8:41 p.m. A man being treated at the hospital for painful urination was reported being “inappropriate” with nursing staff.
• Tuesday, March 5 6:01 a.m. A duffle bag containing $400 in soccer jerseys was stolen through a broken car window in the 1600 block of 10th Street.
10:32 a.m. A man living with other “casual residents” at a house near Seventh and J streets reported that when a woman was kicked out, she took his chocolate lab with her. He suspected that she may have turned the dog over to a homeless camp near Humboldt State.
• Friday, March 8 5:35 a.m. After reportedly trying to kill herself in a variety of ways – cutting herself, drowning herself in the bathtub and starting a fire by pluging numerous items into all her home’s outlets – a woman was taken to the nervous hospital.
12:25 p.m. Men were reported milling about the Plaza’s center, “smoking weed” and kicking a pile of sawdust around. Police found no weed smoking or sawdust kicking, but the group dispersed anyway.
3:30 p.m. Work documents were stolen from a car trunk during a vehicle break-in at Seventh and J streets.
11:19 p.m. A World War 1 “dough boy” helmet was stolen off an F Street porch.
Saturday, March 9 5:43 a.m. A couple and their dog were seen waving flashlights and rummaging through bushes near a D Street park.
11:54 a.m. Five figures lurked on Janes Road—two near a bus stop, two on the side of the road, and one directly in the street, all trying to footrace passing cars. An officer found a few of them lying in the road and admonished them.
10:54 p.m. Someone hung around a 15th Street residence, whistled a bit, rang the doorbell twice and then vanished.
• Sunday, March 10 1:19 a.m. He was certainly dedicated, but after seven hours the bar patrons were really getting sick of that trumpet.
11:50 a.m. A man was overheard threatening a woman in Tina Court, possibly with weapons, and someone was taken to the hospital for an overdose.
11:54 a.m. A man came to the APD front desk asking for help removing his ex-girlfriend from his house, where she was still living.
12:59 p.m. A broken window, the chair below it and the sweatshirt padding the frame boded ill for a G Street apartment, but it was just the residents trying to get in after they’d locked themselves out.
7:28 p.m. In the 20 minutes that the owner was out walking around, a window in her vehicle was smashed and her purse and an iPod charger stolen, per routine.
• Monday, March 11 12:56 a.m. Get a room, you guys. No, seriously, you’re right outside a hotel.
1:20 a.m. A man urinated on a Chinese restaurant and then wandered off into the night.
10:40 a.m. A rocking chair rocked itself right off a Zehndner Avenue porch.
10:57 a.m. A friendly German shepherd puppy showed up on Alliance road, but with nobody to claim him, he was soon taken to the shelter.
2:23 p.m. Two kids who left school to allegedly break into houses had their plans foiled when they realized the resident was still at home. They returned to school, and their principal soon handed them over to police.
• Tuesday, March 12 5:48 a.m. A man sat in a wheelchair on Palomino, disoriented and possibly hallucinating. When contacted, he said he was just confused about the time change. An officer took him home.
7:46 a.m. Driving into a stop sign. Relish the irony.
9:54 a.m. While using the restroom next door, a man left his backpack and the laptop inside and unattended in a laundromat, and it was inevitably claimed by ever-present opportunivores. On his way to the station, he found some of its contents abandoned, and later saw a man wearing it around town.
11:30 a.m. Goats frolicked on Aldergrove.
1:30 p.m. A Chihuahua lurked in a Stromberg yard, shivering and growling whenever anyone got too close, but soon fled.
• Friday, March 15 1:29 p.m. A man called the station to report that he is a black belt in karate and his landlord is threatening his stuff, saying “stuff” was going to happen to it unless he got it out of the house.
2:18 p.m. A man was riding a bicycle on L.K. Wood Boulevard when a black pickup truck roared by and its driver lobbed a piece of fruit at him.
5:35 p.m. Nothing says the high life like waving cash around and groping yourself at a gas station.
5:50 p.m. Two men, one in a black T-shirt, the other in a green hoodie, swung at each other outside an off-Plaza movie theatre and then went their separate ways.
• Saturday, March 16 7:57 a.m. A porta-potty was savagely upended in Redwood Park.
10:59 a.m. A way-drunk woman was found unresponsive but conscious off the side of a trail. An ambulance was called.
2:02 p.m. A Fifth Street lumber yard reported a mustached man in a black cowboy hat wandering around and rearranging things, and the caller was concerned for his welfare. The man was asked to stay off the property unless he had written permission.
6:59 p.m. A dirty child in a Janes Road yard reportedly said his parents had had a fight and left him and that he hadn’t eaten that day. When contacted, however, both parents were home and the child was clean and eating.
• Sunday, March 17 8:41 a.m. A creature both bald and be-dreaded yelled at a woman as he rode his bike around Redwood Park.
1:17 p.m. Party aftermath followed a woman home, where she found an upset guest had broken into her apartment and stolen her laptop and all of her left shoes. The property was retrieved, but it still doesn’t explain why they left her a cup of coffee in the morning.
9:48 p.m. An unknown woman was following a man from place to place and starting to unnerve him. Police found the two arguing outside a late-night donut shop and sent them on their separate ways.
• Monday, March 18 7:18 a.m. A woman in a black sweatshirt and a male friend walked towards the hospital, talking about her taking an overdose. Upon contact, the woman said she had wanted to hurt herself by injecting extra insulin because she was in a fight with her boyfriend. Now that they were no longer arguing, she didn’t want to do it. She was advised to stay with a friend for the day until things calmed down between the two of them.
8:32 a.m. Unknown petrol pirates drilled into a gas tank and drained about 15 gallons of fuel.
10:15 a.m. A patient in the emergency room demanded to speak with an officer, claiming the government had placed a tracking chip in his finger and that the “Yurok Mafia” was after him. He then called 911 to say that he had been accused of molesting someone in Trinidad, and requested police protection. He was taken to the nervous hospital.
• Friday, March 22 1:33 a.m. Well, it’s almost the weekend, and what better a way to unwind than charging about in your underwear and knocking on random doors?
5:40 a.m. In between streams of nonsensical chatter was the complaint that she was getting pimples from the meth the people under her house were smoking. Police found nobody under or around the house.
11:33 a.m. A man with curly brown hair and a green jacket kicked and wrenched at the door of a yoga studio until the lock broke, slammed it a few times and then left. Police were unable to locate him.
1:12 p.m. A woman identified only as “Smiley” argued with a Plaza bartender, then tried to leave with a pint stuffed in her pocket.
• Saturday, March 23 4:17 a.m. A caller reported a gun being stolen from their F street home the previous night, then somehow returning at about 2:30.
6:55 a.m. A man who had been sleeping by a gas station appeared to have a bloody lip, and said he’d just got out of the hospital. Police could not locate him.
• Saturday, March 23 1:40 p.m. A purse left in a car was soon smash ’n’ grabbed. Just another reminder to keep all the valuables in your car out of sight.
6:48 p.m. A group of kids slogged their way through the field behind an apartment complex, occasionally pausing to take another slug of booze and further raise the concern of a woman nearby. Bristling at the suggestion that they were too young to be drinking, they managed to engage their sodden prefrontal cortexes enough to devise a logical response — in this case, the semi-simian hurling of a bottle. The obstreperous oaves were out of city limits, and referred to the Sheriff’s Office.
• Tuesday, March 26 11:34 a.m. A white car parked across from a Valley West motel was described as a “sweat box,” harboring multiple dogs that appeared to have been locked inside all night. The caller reported the dogs looking distressed and trying to get out. The car was gone upon arrival.
3:38 p.m. A week after being fired, a brewery’s formerly gruntled ex-employee came in and stole 75 tickets and $400 in cash.
• Wednesday, March 27 9:06 a.m. Dude, you’re 13. It’s physically impossible to be a badass at that age. Go back to class.
10:41 a.m. This is the third time his car’s been messed with, but the first where he’s been left a bunch of raw chicken and a “Got Karma?” sign.
4:16 p.m. A man hurled abuse at another man who had taken shelter inside a donut shop, screaming at him to come outside but threatening to hurt him if he did. Eventually, he wandered off, and the man he had been harassing was advised about restraining orders.
• Thursday, March 28 10:42 a.m. Yak Man and his diminutive companion argued at a passing jogger before being admonished. One must greet the yakherders with extreme courtesy and caution as they go about purifying Arcata.
10:55 a.m. A dazed-looking woman paced around F Street, apparently fascinated by the flashing Caltrans lights, then wandered off to parts unknown.
3:58 p.m. A woman reported an ex-neighbor identified only as “Malcolm” making threats about his father in Louisiana, telling her he would torture him and make his brother watch. He went on to mention a gun and “making it look like an accident” before driving off in a gold pickup truck with a camper hood.
• Saturday, March 30 12:32 a.m. A man locked himself out of his apartment with the stove on, but managed to get back inside before anything happened.
2:42 p.m. A woman requested an officer make her roommate come back and clean up the room she had trashed.
11:32 p.m. Someone yelled, babies cried, and people jumped around during an argument, yet cops found nothing there.
• Sunday, March 13 12:09 a.m. With close to 70 people, a D Street party became too much for neighbors to handle.
3:49 p.m. A masseuse temporarily left her place of business and came back to find a man who wasn’t a client sleeping naked on the massage table.
4:39 p.m. A shaggy-haired man in a plaid jacket appeared to have his arm around a girl’s throat at a Valley West store. When a woman attempted to intervene, he began shouting at both her and the girl he was restraining. He later called from City Hall to say that he and his daughter had been horseplaying, not fighting, and when contacted, his daughter appeared to be fine.
• Monday, April 1 10:53 a.m. A man was heard beating a small puppy in an H Street apartment building, with loud banging noises and the puppy crying. Police were unable to locate him. The puppy is reported as being brown with white markings and the man as a shitstain on society.
9:27 p.m. The most important rule of exploring is to take only photographs and leave only footprints. When you’re breaking into somebody’s house, however, feel free to nab a laptop instead of a photo op.
• Tuesday, April 2 9:32 a.m. A child who was playing with a phone was admonished for calling 911.
10:16 a.m. A man called worried for his brother, who was hanging out with some sketchy people and doing drugs. The brother was currently in a green Ford Explorer in the driveway with a friend. Police found them on the roof instead and arrested the duo.
10:37 a.m. A man claiming to work for a local motel came to the station asking for any records relating to a past guest, providing a “badge number” but being really weirdly aggressive about it. When denied access to the records, the man said he would e-mail for the information later that day.
8:43 p.m. A liquored-up creature in a wool hat wandered around in front of an Eleventh Street church, darting into traffic and back and yelling to himself. Police were unable to locate him.
• Wednesday, April 3 7:08 a.m. A health clinic’s car remained unlocked overnight and was subsequently ransacked.
12:14 p.m. After guzzling down a few of his favorite adult beverages, a tall, bearded man in a Yankees cap decided it would be a good idea to go to a mobile home park and try to punch an eight-year-old. After attempting to grab him, however, the man receive a decisive thwack with kid’s skateboard, and he fled on foot.
1:45 p.m. A hissyfit in a parking lot ended up with a moped being pushed over and someone getting kicked.
7:58 p.m. A caller suspected a nearby residence to be a grow house, what with the massive foot traffic and the trailer arriving every month or two.
• Thursday, April 4 12:33 a.m. A painted school bus and its lowrider companions disgorged a large number of travelers on Virginia way.
7:54 p.m. After accidentally shoplifting from an off-Plaza grocery store, a woman agreed to pay the $50 she owed.
11:09 p.m. A fight in an F Street home appeared to end with an intoxicated woman trying to drive away with her two children in the truck. Police found her still at her residence after arguing with a cousin on the phone. She agreed to remain off the street.
• Friday, April 5 1:26 a.m. An extremely intoxicated man called the police to ask for help getting to the bathroom. Nevermind, his roommate will help him.
• 1:01 p.m. Two men entered a Westwood grocery store, collected a bagful of goodies and then tried to pay for it with a counterfeit hundred-dollar bill.
