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Police Log
The Motel Was Cheapo, The Mom A Psycho And The Kids Both Klepto – September 5, 2010
10:48 p.m. As is not uncommon, a drunk got the notion in his pickled brain that one of the beleaguered Plaza street trees required further dismantling. Even though he was sort of dressed like a tree, with brown pants and a green shirt, the man showed no particular fealty to the spindly object of... »
Chain Falls Off Little Girl’s Bicycle – August 29, 2010
• Sunday, July 25 2:33 a.m. Overdressed for the occasion, a man who not only lacked the mandatory skanky hoodie but was all spiffed up in a white dress shirt and slacks made an extremely literal beer run at an Alliance Road stop ’n’ rob. That is, he snabbed an 18-pack of The King... »
Texting Ex’s Vexing Pledges, Dog And Swim Fin Swipe Perplexes – August 24, 2010
5:28 p.m. A dark-haired man with a vestigial sense of style manifest in his scraggly goatee staggered down 13th Street, catching brief naps on the sidewalk along the way. He intermittently careened, with maniacal drunken-zombie resolve, onto northbound Alliance Road, there encountering an officer. Murkily sensing a threat to his way of lifestyle, the... »
Alleged Grass Grower Goes Small-Game Hunting In Neighbor’s Closet – August 19, 2010
11:05 a.m. Like a moth to flame, a mentally disturbed person roamed too near the donut shop, sapping any remaining vestiges of sanity. Found yelling in the alley, the person was ambulanced to a mental health facil. »
Hissypats Over This And That Frequently Follow Ephemeral Grat – August 10, 2010
10:41 a.m. When two men argue on the street in a business park, and one isn’t wearing a shirt just like the famously lowbrow neanderthals on TV cop shows, it isn’t profiling to do a back-of-the-envelope calculation that things could get all clashy-bashy road-rashy. But any further manly excess in this case isn’t documented. »
Exciting New Vomit-And-Pass-Out Diet Brings Cookie Toss, Not Weight Loss – July 27, 2010
2:02 p.m. A trusting soul, one of the remaining few not yet predated by ever-swarming opportunivores, parked in a designated handicapped spot outside the store where everything’s worth a dollar, without posting armed guards around the car. On returning, he found that his handicapped placard had been stolen. »
Shambolic Scalvagers Buttnap The Blight Craptastic – July 21, 2010
4:12 p.m. A man was reported kneeling in the roadway on the Plaza, then wandering in McKinley’s direction as all wiggo wingnuts are wont to do at one time or another. As an officer drove him to the hospital, he forewarned the ER that the guy might be “on LSD” and to have restraints... »
Pent-Up Mojo Unleashes Unanticipated Duncequences – July 13, 2010
11:57 a.m. The world’s most unsympathizable beggar entreated a woman for money at 13th and G streets, his coin-cadging compromised by unzipped pants which allowed a panoramic view of that which no mortal never would have wished to observe. The dangly wrangler ambled away, penniless but well-ventilated. »
Grog Glugged, Buds Chugged, Synapses Nulled, Enstupidation Process Complete – July 6, 2010
• Tuesday, June 14 2:21 a.m. The alley behind a downtown hardware store serves the spillover crowd from the Carport of Mystery, Adventure and Romance, a popular venue for any manner of after-hours recreational activities, just a stumble away from the donut shop. These pastimes range from fragrant joint operations to freestyle saxophone serenades, unique... »
Donut Shop Is Best Supporting Pastry Outlet In Various Dingbat Dramas – June 29, 2010
1:45 p.m. One man in a long trench coat and another in a camouflage jacket overcame their differences in terms of outerwear preference and shared marijuana in front of a Plaza tavern. On seeing a bar employee calling police, the two activated a unified emergency response plan, the primary component of which was skedaddling... »
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