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Police Log
Propriety Restored Under Lusty Freeway Overpass – November 8, 2011
5:44 a.m. The man who’d previously described himself as “charred and buzzy” was showing improvement. Now he said he had a “buzzing” feeling in his body, but he didn’t want an ambulance because he had heard that this was a felony. »
New Hope For The Charred And Buzzy – November 1, 2011
7:10 a.m. After partially smoking a cigarette, a lower H Street resident reported feeling as though he had a spike through his head. An ambulance was summoned. »
Police Disambiguate Bi-Modal Bibulator – October 24, 2011
• Saturday, August 17 8:41 a.m. A woman sat at Blakeslee Avenue and Q Street with a dog, far from the rich muttering grounds downtown and carrying on a dialogue with herself about hating California. »
Drunko-Destructo Found Defuncto – October 17, 2011
8:10 a.m. A Villa Way resident reported hearing some kind of alarm in the area for the past few days. Police traced the sound to a neighbor’s smoke alarm, the batteries of which were dying and causing the device to emit death-chirps. »
Dog Poop Fairy Leaves Three-Bag Blessing – October 10, 2011
6:56 p.m. Hoodie-ensconced philosophers quibbled over quiddity’s finer points at an Alliance Road mini-mart. “I know where you live, bitch,” reasoned one participant. »
Drivers Surrender Wallets, Cash, Computers To Avoid Excruciating Pressing Of Car Door Lock Button – October 4, 2011
11:08 a.m. His breakfast was a pint of vodka, brunch was a drunken brawl in which a tooth was liberated and the mid-day Moment of Zen was serenely wandering out of the hospital untreated and ignoring the appeals of medical staff. »
Parking Lot Poignancy Comes Courtesy Condiment Combatants, Flashlight Gladiator, Woeful Hoeless – September 25, 2011
While details of an encounter are in dispute, it was generally agreed that in principle, she shouldn’t throw bottles at anyone. »
To Shriek Or Screech, Whinge Or Wail, Fuss Or Flail? – September 20, 2011
8:47 a.m. A so-called man had a hissyfit in the Community Park playground, yelling and kicking the children’s play equipment. A cop went and tempered his tiny-tot tempest. »
Whose Driver’s License Is This And Why Is It In My Bed? – September 10, 2011
2:39 p.m. A man called from a bar bathroom, saying he was having an allergic reaction. This set police off on a toilet tour of Tavern Row, starting at the east end and working west. »
Fence-Pooping Horror Brings Bio-Disgustment – September 3, 2011
Persons were observed dancing in the street on H Street between 11th and 12th when they obviously could have been inside watching TV and leading fulfilling false lives in World of Warcraft. »
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