Police Log

Short-Lived Slouchabout Insurgency Interrupts Serial Sitting Session – December 5, 2012

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

5:04 p.m. After an orgiastic bout of smoking, drinking and harassing customers on the sidewalk outside a Valley West restaurant, six sitabouts were dispersed. Something called “Brazzell” was warned away on pain of trespass. »

Mendacious Motel Messiah A Lousy Leprechaun Lookout – November 27, 2012

Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Mendacious Motel Messiah A Lousy Leprechaun Lookout – November 27, 2012

10:30 a.m. A chatter of Chihuahuas, about 10 in number, clattered tinily about on Frederick Avenue. An investigating officer was approached by several neighbors complaining of the chronic Chihuahua crisis, which was traced to a faulty fence. »

Coffee Cup Clobbering Delivers Dual Dings To The Cranium – November 21, 2012

Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Coffee Cup Clobbering Delivers Dual Dings To The Cranium – November 21, 2012

2:40 p.m. A drunk-sounding woman called police asking why she had been arrested for public drunkenness the previous day. »

Poop-Monster Living Large In Trailer Park – November 12, 2012

Monday, November 12, 2012

7:07 p.m. A Janes Road mobile home park resident reported that neighbors had been finding large piles of feces in their yards for the past several nights. The previous night at 2 a.m., another tenant heard noises outside and observed a large “creature” standing upright. The resident went to get a firearm, and saw... »

Abundant Unwholesomeness At The Low-Budget Squalor Pit – November 4, 2012

Sunday, November 4, 2012

5:16 p.m. For many vagabonds and the fellow travelers they give a ride to Arcata, job one on arrival is unloading everyone’s shit from the van and spreading it all out on the sidewalk for sorting. Many cigarettes and refreshing beverages are sometimes necessary to this process. »

Morose Mr. McKinley Unleashes His Glower Power – October 28, 2012

Sunday, October 28, 2012

6:10 p.m. As a woman made her way across the Plaza to work, a non-gentleman unveiled his ghastly reproductive equipment, providing fellow slouchabout-sophisticators a moment of hilarity. »

A Ceiling/Floor Stompadour’s Hateful-Heavy Footfalls – October 21, 2012

Sunday, October 21, 2012

2:37 a.m. A man complained that neighbors in Apt. 6 wouldn’t let him bring home his gal-pal to Apt. 2. The meddlesome neighbors were said to be “acid heads” who “are all tripping.” Eventually he was able to overcome the psychedelic embargo and bring the girlfriend inside. »

Mortality Forecast Accurate, If Contextually Inappropriate – October 15, 2012

Monday, October 15, 2012

4:17 p.m. A suspected trimming operation in a Union Street apartment stank up the local area, annoyingly entingling neighborly nostrils. »

Meth Binge Aftermath Something Of A Letdown – October 10, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

• Friday, August 31 10:22 a.m. A deranged raccoon was reported on West End Road, disoriented, walking in circles and trying to climb a pole. »

Torpor Temporarily Tempers Testosterone-Tinged Tempests – September 30, 2012

Sunday, September 30, 2012

• Saturday, August 25 2:28 a.m. After a wholly unnecessary contretemps at a relatively mellow Plaza bar, a drunk wandered down the donut shop alley to a parking lot, where he was tased and cuffed. »