Why on Earth would anyone with even a tiny amount of love for our country want it to become a hell-hole like Sudan, Afghanistan,... »
Police Log
Dimbulb Detachment Departs For Doughnutty Devilry – August 12, 2012
12:17 a.m. Discontent spread among five occupants of a vehicle which was out of gas and marooned at a Valley West gas station. As factionalism broke out among the quarrelsome quintet, an argument attracted police, who were told that the running-on-empty ensemble was “working on getting some fuel to continue north.” »
Burgeoning Bag Of Awful Morphs From Onerous To Odious – August 4, 2012
3:13 p.m. More scrounge lizardry in a Ninth Street yard, with five leisure specialists drinking and throwing a bottle. »
Completion Of Pee-And-Pass-Out Ballet Eludes Dumpster Denizen – August 3, 2012
A man in the 1000 block of G Street proposed smashing someone’s face in as an alternative outcome, were the face’s owner not to repay a debt. Police checked the area, finding all faces in proper working order. »
Slithy Toves Seep And Slither Like Kleptomaniacal Fog – July 25, 2012
11:06 a.m. A loose Corgi waddled wildly around Northtown, visiting its collarless splendor all the way from a G Street motel to upper I Street. The pudgy pooch was taken to the shelter, after which the owner called in and was directed to pick it up there. »
Is That A Hammer In Your Pocket Or Did You Just Want To Read My Butt? – July 14, 2012
8:42 p.m. A Valley West apartment dweller said her roommate was violating their agreement by having several bottles of perfume in the residence, and they were making her sick. She placed the sickening scents out on the porch. A restraining order was in the works, but the foully fragrant roommate said she’d be moving... »
Screaming Lord Sutch’s Unwitting Disciples Bring The Loud – July 8, 2012
“You are being slaughtered,” bellowed the hirsute howler. »
Door-To-Door Dingbat’s Garden Hose Aiguillete Foils Fence Ascension – July 1, 2012
• Wednesday, May 23 11:55 a.m. A man who left his wallet in a Uniontown store went back to get it, but by then it was gone. He had a suspicion about who stole it, and went and argued with that person outside the store. 1:42 p.m. A woman left her purse in her... »
Palpitation Emanation Causation An Occultation Celebration – June 24, 2012
3:19 p.m. A woman said her ex-boyfriend had called her 15 to 20 times to tell her that he was en route from Manila to sleep on her couch. Police told him to stop making so many couch reservations. »
Barbarian’s Bad-Boy Garb Completes Misogynistic Mission – June 17, 2012
4:01 p.m. A caller reported a man in a baseball cap and tank top carrying out the misogyny commonly associated with these disreputable garments by yelling at a woman and making her cry, then taking a swing at her. Police found her unharmed and the argument verbal only, but they warned the man to... »
Bongoloid Rubes Suffused With Doobs, Hooch, Pooches – June 8, 2012
6:37 p.m. Have family disputes ever been successfully resolved via high-volume exchanges in gas station parking lots? Has that ever happened, even once? »
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