Police Log

Booze-Woozed Brainpans Basted In Belligerence – September 24, 2012

Monday, September 24, 2012
Booze-Woozed Brainpans Basted In Belligerence – September 24, 2012

9:26 a.m. A bearded man was reported pacing back and forth on Eye Street, looking “sketchy.” The free-prance artist wasn’t framed for canvassing the 'hood, but was identified and asked to draw his attention elsewhere. »

Roadway Wallowers Practice Transcendental Medication – September 16, 2012

Sunday, September 16, 2012

7:37 p.m. A gyre of hobos, guitars, puppies, yelling and smoky emissions engulfed an alley off downtown H Street. Police dispersed a tatter of travelers. »

Freelance Foot-Fondler Foments Falsehoods – September 8, 2012

Saturday, September 8, 2012

11:17 a.m. Last year’s podiatrist-without-portfolio has re-emerged, his enduring mission: to fondle the feet of women in Valley West. He’d importuned women to massage their feet using various ruses in the past, and now had a new one. He’d attended some classes at a reflexology center without formally enrolling in the course, but now... »

Man Says ‘Hi’ – September 3, 2012

Monday, September 3, 2012

4:35 p.m. An L.K. Wood Boulevard resident complained that his neighbor was strewing trash in front of his house and drizzling milk down the windows, actions which he interpreted as possible harassment. An officer spoke to the neighbor, who said he would strive to get along with the neighbor, presumably sharing no more cream... »

Melvin-Rich Scenario Collapses – August 18, 2012

Saturday, August 18, 2012

9:34 p.m. A man seen peeing on the wall behind a Northtown restaurant was asked to leave. He sort of complied, but seemed unready to make the emotional break with his urine, and just went around the block and came back to further dwell in the vapors of the acrid plume and process his... »

Dimbulb Detachment Departs For Doughnutty Devilry – August 12, 2012

Sunday, August 12, 2012

12:17 a.m. Discontent spread among five occupants of a vehicle which was out of gas and marooned at a Valley West gas station. As factionalism broke out among the quarrelsome quintet, an argument attracted police, who were told that the running-on-empty ensemble was “working on getting some fuel to continue north.” »

Burgeoning Bag Of Awful Morphs From Onerous To Odious – August 4, 2012

Saturday, August 4, 2012
Burgeoning Bag Of Awful Morphs From Onerous To Odious – August 4, 2012

3:13 p.m. More scrounge lizardry in a Ninth Street yard, with five leisure specialists drinking and throwing a bottle. »

Completion Of Pee-And-Pass-Out Ballet Eludes Dumpster Denizen – August 3, 2012

Friday, August 3, 2012

A man in the 1000 block of G Street proposed smashing someone’s face in as an alternative outcome, were the face’s owner not to repay a debt. Police checked the area, finding all faces in proper working order. »

Slithy Toves Seep And Slither Like Kleptomaniacal Fog – July 25, 2012

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

11:06 a.m. A loose Corgi waddled wildly around Northtown, visiting its collarless splendor all the way from a G Street motel to upper I Street. The pudgy pooch was taken to the shelter, after which the owner called in and was directed to pick it up there. »

Is That A Hammer In Your Pocket Or Did You Just Want To Read My Butt? – July 14, 2012

Saturday, July 14, 2012

8:42 p.m. A Valley West apartment dweller said her roommate was violating their agreement by having several bottles of perfume in the residence, and they were making her sick. She placed the sickening scents out on the porch. A restraining order was in the works, but the foully fragrant roommate said she’d be moving... »