Police Log

Screaming Lord Sutch’s Unwitting Disciples Bring The Loud – July 8, 2012

Sunday, July 8, 2012

“You are being slaughtered,” bellowed the hirsute howler. »

Door-To-Door Dingbat’s Garden Hose Aiguillete Foils Fence Ascension – July 1, 2012

Sunday, July 1, 2012

• Wednesday, May 23 11:55 a.m. A man who left his wallet in a Uniontown store went back to get it, but by then it was gone. He had a suspicion about who stole it, and went and argued with that person outside the store. 1:42 p.m. A woman left her purse in her... »

Palpitation Emanation Causation An Occultation Celebration – June 24, 2012

Sunday, June 24, 2012

3:19 p.m. A woman said her ex-boyfriend had called her 15 to 20 times to tell her that he was en route from Manila to sleep on her couch. Police told him to stop making so many couch reservations. »

Barbarian’s Bad-Boy Garb Completes Misogynistic Mission – June 17, 2012

Sunday, June 17, 2012

4:01 p.m. A caller reported a man in a baseball cap and tank top carrying out the misogyny commonly associated with these disreputable garments by yelling at a woman and making her cry, then taking a swing at her. Police found her unharmed and the argument verbal only, but they warned the man to... »

Bongoloid Rubes Suffused With Doobs, Hooch, Pooches – June 8, 2012

Friday, June 8, 2012

6:37 p.m. Have family disputes ever been successfully resolved via high-volume exchanges in gas station parking lots? Has that ever happened, even once? »

Nitrous-Betingled Pornlifters Charge iThingies During Parking Lot Daycare Sesh – June 3, 2012

Saturday, June 2, 2012

8:46 p.m. By way of emphasizing an important point during an argument with employees at a Northtown shop, a woman threw her sandwich at them and then scuttled off over the pedestrian footbridge. »

An Artsy And Superficial, Mom-Alarming Arm Carving – May 30, 2012

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

5:17 p.m. After an Occupy 27th and Q streets moo-in by seven calves, police deployed to the scene. But the movement quickly dissolved into docility, and the calf contingent wandered back into the feedlot for eventual dismantlement. »

Unhappy Monologist Finds Validation In Car Horn Artistry – May 21, 2012

Monday, May 21, 2012

3:18 p.m. Arrogant raccoons who have set up a colony under a Wyatt Lane house growl at anyone who looks in on them. »

Anti-Aging Activists Articulate Neighborly Sex And Death Wishes – May 11, 2012

Friday, May 11, 2012

Reads the dispatcher narrative: “Out with one, in a tree.” »

Scruffy Toves’ Doorhandle Research Precedes Hearty Round Of Cigs, Ejection – May 6, 2012

Sunday, May 6, 2012

• Sunday, April 8 1:40 a.m. A man pushed his female roommate down, so she bit his face. This made him yell. She left. He still yelled. »